Randomest of All
I don't really feel like writing right now. I do, but I don't. It's like everything with me - cleaning, homework, etc. I just want it done, and want it to be good, but the thought of actually doing it wears me down.
But, the cleaning has commenced! I've been rocking out to really loud Prince (I AM a sexy muthafucka) and busting ass. So far, some dishes have been done, lots of trash thrown out, lots of rotten food thrown out, and the kitchen cleaned. It's a start.
The reason for the cleaning is that I invited my folks down here on Sunday. Not that I didn't see them a few weeks ago, or won't see them in a week, but dad will hook up some contraption so I can have curtains (the damn blinds take up all the room for a normal curtain rod) and I did see a bakers rack at TJs that I think I want and can't fit into my own car. Whew, long sentence.
It was an absolutely beautiful day here. My division had an 'outing' at the local horse track. The sun was beating down like it was getting paid to do so! It was so nice, to be in the sun, with a slight breeze, drinking a cool drink, just chatting with people and relaxing. Not to mention, it got me out of work for the afternoon, which was welcome. Tomorrow will be a busy day.
So, yes, I realize that this post is about nothing in particular. There are some things on my mind - some deep, dark things - but I generally have a hard time sharing them. And I know you, readers, won't judge or shame me, but I don't quite have them figured out in my own head yet. Writing would perhaps help with that, but putting words to these thoughts would somehow make them 'real' and that's not necessarily something I'm ready to deal with. So, until then, I'll keep up my ramblings about my petty life and my pity parties and try to do it with some wit and charm and perhaps some T&A to keep you folks entertained.
Good night, all.
Dear Neighbors:
I understand that not everyone who lives in this apartment complex works the typical corporate 8-5 job. However, that doesn't give you the right to play your music loudly at 11:39 pm on a weekday. Nor does it give you the right to come home drunk and loud and shout directly outside my window. I understand what it's like to be young, dumb, and full of cum, but please have courtesy for those of us who are now old, wise, and barren.
Thanks,
Management
Yup. Me Again.
Ever notice how blogging is addictive? Of course you do, or you wouldn't be here reading my little ramblings, now would you? I get lost in BlogWorld - one person's comment on another person's blog leads me to check out 15 other blogs that they've linked to, and before I know it, the sun has gone down and I'm out of smokes and dinner was peanuts. Literally. And they weren't salted, either, which sucks.
I'm trying to do the low-carb thing. Actually, I'm just trying to eat healthy, which means lots of salads. Well, not so many as 'lots,' actually, since moderation is key to eating healthy. As a result...I'm FUCKING STARVING! I eat lunch, and 10 minutes later (hell, 5 minutes later), I'm wondering when it's time for dinner. Gotta be doing something wrong. Although it's kind of fun hopping on the scale 15 times a day - does that count as exercise? What if I really hop, putting energy into it?
I've been really deliquent in paying things these days. Things = bills and stuff. Like the speeding ticket I got and paid late. Not late-late, just a little late. Then, though, there's the parking ticket I got that I haven't paid yet. Did you know that they send little reminders when you don't pay parking tickets on time? Little postcards in the mail, telling you that the $20 fine is now $20484 because you were a fucking lazy SOB. Tax dollars at work.
Petty Shit
You know, just when I'm feeling good about posting all sorts of inane, worthless, non-monumental shit, along comes a post on someone else's blog about cancer and dying parents.
Yes, my life is trivial.
Nothing is really wrong in my world - I have healthy parents; a healthy sibling in a healthy marriage with a healthy guy; I myself am mainly healthy, and the parts of me that aren't will be excised later this summer - and yet, I feel miserable often. Why the fuck am I depressed? I've had a privileged life; I do well for myself. All of these things just factor in to make me even more depressed - there's no REASON for me to be so, yet I am, so what does that make me besides a spoiled, selfish, whiny brat?
I've never liked people who bitch and moan without trying to do anything to better their situation. I try to vent, and not whine, at least for the majority of the time. As the great Veronica Sawyer once said, 'Life sucks losers dry." Am I then a loser, getting sucked? Stay with me, pervs. There's nothing wrong enough in my life to warrant my bitching. And yet, I continue bitching.
WHY?????
What the...
Anyone hear about the earthquake that hit the midwest last night / this morning? I felt the fucker. Lying in bed, in a not-quite-dark room b/c there's a HUGE light in the parking lot just outside my place, and I'm tossing and turning trying to get to sleep, despite a day of napping (and a still sore back, whine whine whine), and I feel this rumble. I live within walking distance of a really small airport, and my first thought was that a really big airplane was flying overhead. But then, that didn't make sense, since I didn't hear a plane, and they go overhead all the time and never rumble the place. There was one big rumble, then a few smaller ones. I swear my whole building shook. Never been in an earthquake before; I'm pretty impressed. No one was hurt, so I feel free to be flippant about it.
At any rate, I'm back at work after a 4-day weekend. Not so motivated, and already frustrated with others. When did I decide that smoking at work was a bad idea? And what the hell was I thinking???
Am I Lazy or What?
My apartment is a pigsty. Literally. I step on shirts, blankets, etc and twist my ankle because there are shoes lurking underneath. Empty soda cans line the counters; the trash is overflowing; random shit is everywhere. I swear, I don't know how this happens. It's as if I leave one or two things out, and when I come home at the end of the day, they have multiplied and spread their progeny across my 800 sq feet of space.
And yet, what am I doing about this? Nothing. Nada. Not a damn thing. I'm back online, one of my official addictions, wasting time. Thinking about my next cigarette.
Sure, I'm THINKING about cleaning. Just tackling one room. Just tackling one space. Just throwing out the shit that can be thrown out would make such a difference. I fool myself into thinking that thinking about cleanign is the first step, when really, I use that first step to tire myself out and give me an excuse to nap or plop down on the couch for yet another 90210 rerun.
More later, if my apt hasn't swallowed me whole.
Random Ramblings
So here it is, Saturday night, and I am home. My back is still killing me, despite a long, yummy nap and some extra strength Tylenol. Ah, youth - you don't know what you got til it's gone.
Okay, so that was said tongue-in-cheek. I'm still young. Hell, I got carded for beer the other night. I always say I look like I'm 19 - I think it's because I don't care much for makeup or 'done' hair. I'm pretty easygoing where that stuff is concerned. Give me a hairclip, some lipgloss, and I'm out the door. It's too much of a hassle to worry about all that other stuff, day in and day out. Besides, to what end? Would guys find me more attractive if I did that stuff? Maybe, but is that the kind of guy I want?
I entered into a conversation at a bar one night with a guy. The bar was 'Coyote Ugly,' and like the movie, the bartenders dance on the bar and shake their groove thangs. One girl got up there after the hot bartenders were done and started dancing to her own beat. I was interested in whether she was sexy - whether the bartenders were sexy - b/c honestly, I thought they bordered on skanky. Now, I know that everyone has their own opinion, but that's precisely what I wanted. To hear a genuine opinion from someone.
Well, said guy - random stranger - gave me that conversation, but he thought I was comparing myself to the chics in question and ended up labeling me as having no self-esteem and paranoia. Whaaa? I was just curious, dude. Sure, I have self-esteem issues when it comes to my looks - show me a girl who truly doesn't. But does that mean I freak out about it and judge myself against pseudo-strippers? Hell no. I yam what I yam, says Popeye.
Exhausted Before the Weekend
The Prince concert was pretty good. Music is so invigorating! The rain stopped before we got to the park, so that was good timing. Lots of people watching - I never knew so many Goth kids existed!
And no, I won't tell you how much money I wasted at the casino. Let's just say it was more than I intended, and the fact that they have ATMs there is EVIL!!! I do love me some slot machines.
I spent some quality time at the pool today - something about being in the sun and by water is very refreshing. I lathered up with sunscreen so hopefully the lasting damage isn't lasting, you dig.
My back is hurting again - it goes through spasms a few times a year, where walking is hard and standing is worse. I think I'll lay low tonight and avoid the downtown scene. Driving into the city - parking! - and spending money on overpriced alcohol and cover charges is not my thing. Sorry, Sharon.
Work. A Necessary Evil.
So, it's my day off. I just held an 8:30 conference call and attempted follow-up from that. I generally enjoy my job - and I'm good at it and well respected, which always helps - but I have a hard time with people who don't have my same work ethic. I get the job done, and if that means staying late, well, then, you stay late. I don't whine (often) (honest), and I try to do a good job. But some people...some people whine all the time, nothing's ever their fault, it's always not their job, or they're too busy, blah blah blah.
We recently changed our review policy to take behavioral factors into consideration. It's no longer enough if you get good results but have a shitty attitude - and I'm so glad they've moved this way. There are a lot of people who work that way and it drives me nuts. Short drive, huh?
Forgot to mention...
...that I got an A- in my grad school class. Yippee! Some people freak out if there's a little minus sign next to their letter grade - fuck that. I'm all about the letter, baby.
The class was 'project management,' and boy did it blow. The prof sucked, the class sucked, some of the people sucked...it was like a bad Twilight Zone episode. The only reason the grade really mattered to me was because my official title at work is "Project Manager," and I would have been very embarassed to get a B. All's well that end's well.
Aimee's comment made me decide to brag about my bargains - a $10 work dress and $10 shoes. Yeah! I don't shop much either, usually, normally, but I do get on tangents now and again. Good thing I am cheap - after all, got slot machines to save up for...
All done!
YEAH! I'm done with work for the week! Tomorrow is Summerfest & the Prince show with my sister and her hubby; Friday is casino day with a friend! I've definitely earned some fun!
I'm meeting with my financial advisor tomorrow. Good! Time to see what I can do to increase my investment fun. I'm tired of these dollar dividends - show me the money!
I'm an addict
Lately, I've been addicted to shopping. That is my self-diagnosed cure for my addiction to boredom. I am, of course, still addicted to cigarettes. And there's always the potential of a gambling addiction, which is why I purposely ration myself. Life could be worse.
That's my motto for a lot of things these days. Life can always be worse, which is why the good times should be enjoyed to the max. Of course, with my cynical outlook, I always am wary of the good times, b/c that means things will crash shortly...gravity, what goes up most come down, and all that. Know that old cliche? If it never rained, we'd never appreciate the sun. Well, it's a cliche for a reason.
Nada Life
Things are pretty dull. I'm slowly letting my anger dissipate; it helps that this is a short work week for me and that I have fun things planned. I'm going to see Prince on Thursday night at Summerfest - whoo hoo! And then Friday will be spent in one of the best places on the earth - in a casino. Yes, I will be smoking like a fiend and losing money like it's the sweat pouring off my brow when I wait for that next bonus round.
Hey, things could be worse.
Still Steamed
Sorry to dwell on this, but it really ticks me off. I went through the whole 'what did I do wrong' thing, thinking I screwed things up, thinking I was too ___ (fill in the blank) or not ___ (fill in the blank) enough. And it turns out that he just found someone new.
What 29yr old doesn't have the balls to be honest and upfront about his reason for ending something?
I guess I know the answer to that. It's a 29yr old boy, not a 29yr old man.
Faith in Mankind
I don't seem to have much these days. The last guy I was seeing blatantly lied to me about why he didn't want to see me anymore. That's fine - it wasn't a surprise when things ended, and it wasn't an upset. But the fact that he LIED about it is annoying, and the fact that I found out he lied through his BLOG is even more annoying.
It's not a big deal that he was seeing 4 other girls when he was seeing me - we weren't committed, weren't bf/gf. What is annoying is that he told me things about not being ready for a bf/gf situation - how he was looking for friends first and taking his time - and then his blog tells all about how after 2 dates, he has a new gf. WTF???
It's also annoying - and rude - that his blog named me BY NAME. And that he talked about purposely playing disinterested so that girls would flock to him. That's just juvenile game-playing, and I don't respect that. ESPECIALLY not after he professed his dislike for such games!
It appears that he was a major game player, and I got played.
