Corporate Peon

2006-03-08T20:50:00.000-06:00

I don't care if you were a stripper or not - if you get double F sized implants, you have lost your right to complain that people treat you like an object and not a person.

Those implants were 1900 ccs EACH. I believe they said it was a GALLON of fluid EACH.

You're not a person, you're a floatation device.

The Law of Averages

2006-03-04T21:46:00.000-06:00

This week in recap:

Pros

Got some cute new purses and jewelry - all on clearance!
Had two jeans days at work - love those
Got promoted
Got a compliment on my car by a random guy in my apt parking lot
Used my federal tax refund to put me 8 months ahead on my car payments - schweet!
Finally managed to catch up with my gf in VA - had a good, long talk with her

Cons

Was too lazy to do the cleaning that my apt requires, so am currently living in a pigsty
Had my non-date and wasn't impressed
Got all excited by new messages in my MySpace account only to find out that FREAKS want to be my friend
Found out I make $20,000 below the official minimum of the salary band for my job and that nothing can be done about that.
Found out that my library sucks and only had, like, 2 of the books you folks recommended. Their reserve system only notifies you by phone that something is in and since I don't have an answering machine, I won't ever find out when my books are in.

Still and all, I'd call this week a good one.

TGIFreakinF

2006-03-03T09:15:00.000-06:00

Naturalizer boots: $28 on clearance

Tank top: $3 on clearance

Velvet blazer: $10 on clearance

Necklace: $14 on clearance

Haircut: $13

Looking like the sexy, in-control beast you know you are: Fucking priceless

Things That Make Me Laugh

2006-03-01T21:50:00.000-06:00

Dear Mustang Driver:

I get that your car is a Mustang. Really, I do. I can read those 7 letters across the back of your car; I can recognize the shape of that car.

So did you really need a vanity plate that reads 'HR STANG 4'???? Because that made me think of pooty tang, and I'm guessing that's not what you were going for.

Thanks,

KtP
-----
Dear High School Cheerleader,

I know that tonight is Ash Wednesday. I know that means if you go to church, you get ash on your forehead. I'm cool with that.

But you have to understand that religious ash does not mix so well with a cheerleading outfit.

Thanks,

The Fashion Police
-----
Dear Writers of Psychic Witness,

I was very amused to catch the tale end of tonight's episode. You know the one - where the psychic helped find the dead body and thus prosecute the suspect?

It's also the episode where you said the suspect 'will no longer hurt anyone outside of the prison system.'

Thanks for not assuming he won't get into a little shank fight with his fellow inmates. Way to keep it real, yo!

A new fan,

KtP

Mystery on the Blog

2006-03-01T15:28:00.000-06:00

Someone from my sister's town is reading me.

Yes, I know it's a large town.

But I do wonder if it's her, which obviously means I don't trust the declarations she gave me of never visting the CP again.

If it is her (she?), then she's not nearly as bright as I thought she was.

The flip side, though, is that maybe she'll finally fucking understand me a bit and learn how not to interpret my every mood as hateful and bitter.

Yeah, I don't buy it, either.

Isn't It Ironic?

2006-03-01T09:19:00.000-06:00

I've had milk in the fridge for the past, oh, week-and-a-half. No issues. Most of that time was spent with no cereal, but the milk stayed fine.

So why is it that not even a full 48hours after I purchase 5 boxes of cereal, I wake up to find my milk frozen, thanks to a tempermental fridge?

Oh No You Di'nt

2006-02-28T15:35:00.000-06:00

I just found out that an issue that's been open since July 11, 2005 is no longer an issue.

This is an issue I've been working on for MONTHS.

I've been providing weekly updates to people on it for MONTHS.

Sure, I could have realized this in July, but what about the stupid people who've been getting my updates? They could have called me off at any freaking time!

Gah. I hate my own stupidity.

Bits N' Bits N' Bits

2006-02-28T09:35:00.000-06:00

I had a good workout last night. A mile + on the bike, and about 5 minutes on the elliptical, which I've decided I really don't like. Two reps of 12 on each of about 7 machines; some core strengthening exercises that KILL, and some core balancing exercises. A full hour in total.
-----
I got some groceries tonight - there were a few things I had been craving, plus something for dinner - and I had a coupon for $5 off a $50 purchase.

What was my bill? $44.66. So close, and yet...Perhaps if I purchased 7 boxes of cereal instead of the FIVE I walked out with, I would have hit $50.
-----
A comment I made at Sloth's house got me thinking. One girl from high school - same age as me - has four kids. Two with her hs bf, two with her hubby. A second girl from hs - also the same age - is pregnant now with her fourth. Again, two with the bf, two with the hubby. And a third girl just had her first baby in May - and is pregnant again. She will have two kids under the age of 2.

In my mind, that's frightening. Not desired. Not even cool.

To my friends who love and want kids, that's pretty normal and not such a bad thing. Now, I went to hs in the sticks, so is this just a product of that environment, or is that more a norm than I wish to know?
-----
Last, for now: If you know today is a 'food day' at work - and if you come to work without bringing something - it's really not appropriate to leave the office at 9:33 to drive to a grocery store to pick something up.

Seriously. Either let it go - because no one else will notice and no one at all will care - or go upstairs to the convenience store and buy a bag of chips.

And it's really not appropriate to interrupt my obvious review of a document to ask me what you should buy.
-----

Kibbles N'

2006-02-27T10:31:00.000-06:00

A coworker who literally has been at this company for longer than I've been alive just sent me one of the most ridiculous forwards ever. I know you've all seen it, and if you haven't, I won't be forwarding it to you. The ""approachable looking" man (clean cut, clean shaven, dressed well, etc.)" tells the woman she's dropped money even though she knows she hasn't, and when she refuses to take it, he gets irate and thus morphs into the serial killer who has been eluding the police. "Even if this man wasn't a serial killer, he looked nice, he seemed polite, he was apparently doing an act of kindness, but HE WAS NOT A NICE PERSON!!!"

Please. Someone, anyone, kill me now.
-----
I got my hair cut Thursday and then threw some dye on it. The cut's fine, and the color is not very noticeable, which is good, considering I'm not sure I like it and I generally dye my hair once every decade. Good thing this only has 25 more shampoos to go...
-----
I had a promising phone call last night with a man from a personals site. We talked for quite a while, actually, (which means I missed Grey's Anatomy!) and will be actually meeting this weekend.

Have I told you yet how much I hate dating? Yeah, I think I have. He's 6yrs older than I and divorced - two qualities I never would have sought out on my own - but he sent me a very flattering email and so of course I had to respond.
-----
There's also a guy on MySpace who sent me a very flattering note. We've emailed a bit, but nothing's come of it yet. I suppose if anything does, I have Peeved Michelle to thank, since she prodded me into joining MS in the first place.
-----
Speaking of PM, it's past time to announce that The Peevery is ill. I had been hoping that this was a 24hr virus but it does not seem to be the case. For anyone interested, we're peeving at the old site, Peevishness & Botheration, while we wait for TP to become unquarantined.
-----
I need to hit the library this week; load me up with some recommendations, ya'll.

Bits

2006-02-26T20:26:00.000-06:00

Tonight is my first night watching any of 'Dancing With the Stars.' Mildly amusing but not quite worth the hype, as is true with so many things.

And Drew? Whether you win or not, take my advice: No former boy-band member should ever say, "It's all good in the hood."
-----
Taxing weekend as usual with the fam. My sister still does not understand why I haven't forgiven her for searching out the CP; "she's acting like I slept with her boyfriend." Honey, don't flatter yourself.

Aside from that tension, there was the usual bickering:

S: I don't think Ellen Pompeo should be on the cover of Self. She's a self-described waif.
KtP: So naturally skinny women should be punished?
S: Yes
KtP: That's the fat girl's cry.
S: Deep sigh, then a muttered "You're so much fun to talk to."

I've learned over the past year or so that unless I agree, I'm not much fun to talk to. If I don't excessively compliment, then I'm not much fun to talk to. So I've been staying rather quiet, which then gets me comments about how grumpy I am. "Is there anything you'd like to talk about?" When I say no, that doesn't mean I'm being a bitch. Perhaps it means I'm content to just listen and not offer a dissenting comment; perhaps it means I know nothing about the topic being discussed, and am therefore silent. Or perhaps it means I have no interest in the topic but don't feel the need to be included in every single conversation.

Sorry, that's not true. It obviously means I'm being a grumpy bitch and expressing that vividly.
-----
Even with my parents, I've learned my opinion doesn't count. Not that it necessarily should, but don't ask me a question if my answer won't even be considered.

"What do you want for lunch, KtP?"
KtP: Fried chicken
"No."

"KtP, do you want to come to the furniture store with us?"
KtP: No
"Well, tough. You're coming anyway."

And they all wonder why I either say nothing or ask if my opinion matters.
-----
When the girls were here last weekend, I bought some long mirrors from IKEA that I thought would look nice above the couch. Now, though, I think they will look a bit too 70's and am debating returning them. Which of course still leaves me with nothing above the couch...which is amusing in that after I purchased the mirrors, we went to a billion stores where I saw about 2 billion things that would work in their place.

More decoration shopping? I'm not sure I can handle that.

I Want My MTV!

2006-02-24T10:06:00.000-06:00

Back in my youth, living out in the boondocks as I did, I waited anxiously for the day when my family would finally - FINALLY! - get cable. Once we finally! got it, I wiled away many hours in front of MTV. MTV - music television. From Janet's beach video to Chris Isaak's beach video, MTV used to play all the good (beach) videos. Sure, sometimes the videos sucked while the song rocked (I always liked that Michael Jackson song with Naomi Campbell in the video...but couldn't stand the video) and sometimes the videos rocked while the songs sucked (Anthony Kiedis in glittery lipstick, anyone?), but did it ever really matter? It was MTV. MTV, man.

Then MTV made the shift between music videos and crappy tv shows. Sure, there was 'The Real World,' but they started out strong and then had a few crappy years in the middle before picking it up again, full-steam, only recently. Then there was 'Road Rules Challenge,' but that gave, like, one decent season before crapping out. I began to to lament the fact that MTV had moved away from music videos and thrown a bunch of crappy new shows at us.

Which is why it's so strange that my new favorite show is on MTV. Forget 'Next,' though that still gives me hours of pleasure. Forget 'Date My Mom,' which amuses me more than it should. Forget 'MADE,' 'True Life,' 'Wild 'N Out,' 'Meet the Barkers,' or even 'Room Raiders.' Not because these shows don't provide hours of entertainment, for they do, in varying degrees (anyone see the 'DMM' episode where the gay man asked the mom if her son would allow a pearl necklace? She actually thought he was talking jewelry...). But all of these shows pale in comparison to the new motherload:

'Parental Control' rocks. The parents get to publicly disown their child's boy/girlfriend. They get to interview prospective dates. And the child has to go out with two people - one chosen by the dad, one by the mom. After the dates, the kid has to come back and choose one - the current bf/gf, or one of the dates.

I would be so freaking afraid to have my mother choose any date for me. Her pick would be ultra-Christian. Non-smoker, non-drinker, non-cusser, and would want kids. Bunches of kids. Bushels of kids. He would want his kids to have kids as long as they did it in the name of the lord. He would not be cute or hip in any sense of the words.

Dad's pick would be better; someone who likes to travel, who could talk news or computers or pop culture, such as dad knows it. Someone in the business world. Someone liberal. Definitely a geek, but then that's not necessarily a negative. Basically, someone like dad.

And I don't know if that thought scares me more than mom's prospects do.

2006-02-23T14:29:00.000-06:00

The word verification that Ticketmaster just gave me was 'haycock.'

2006-02-23T10:35:00.000-06:00

I was surprised by how much I liked having someone to shop with, eat with, talk to. I was surprised by how much I liked having someone in my home. I was surprised by how much I missed that.

I was pleased by how little of the conversation centered around the past. Sure, the exes all got a mention and an update where warranted; in a sense, we all grew up with those boys. With one notable exception - me - all of the girls are happier with their current partners than with the exes, and that was nice to see.

I laughed to see so much of me in each of them at various times, and yet, there are so many differences, too.

They met BBB, on their request, and I'm not sure how I (or he) felt about that. They know we're not dating, and I think they just wanted to meet someone I feel close to, regardless of whether it's a bf or not. They liked him; they felt he was polite, and funny, and were impressed by how social he was with girls he had just met. They also felt he was more touchy-feely and attentive to me than someone would be who wasn't interested, but as this isn't high school, there's no stock in what they said.

While they each have things I covet - a home, a husband, a dog - there are things I don't want that they have, too. A stepdaughter, though she's great. A house that's in the boondocks. A husband who's a jerk. And I'm not naive enough to think that they don't want some of what I have, either.

None of us would ever trade.

Yawn

2006-02-20T20:44:00.000-06:00

There's really not much in the world that beats staying up til 4am with two of your best girlfriends, talking, drinking, and eating pizza.

F.R.I.D.A.Y

2006-02-17T15:40:00.000-06:00

I came home yesterday and crashed. Slept on the loveseat - not the best choice - for a good three hours, then went directly to bed, did not have dinner, did not run errands, did not do more cleaning.

Today I woke up super early and did some cleaning prior to leaving for my massage. My gf had given me a gift card last year that I hadn't used; she chose a salon she personally knew and approved of, and while it's nice to have that endorsement, I wish it wasn't 45 minutes away.

At any rate, had a WONDERFUL 90 minute massage. After that, drove back up here and had lunch at Big Bowl with BBB & R. This is R's first week back after dealing with his sister's emergency heart transplant out of state three weeks ago, so it was good to catch up with him. Even though I had spent a lot of time with BBB the past couple weeks with the Irish folks, we hadn't had much 'together' time, so it was good catching up with him, too.

Came home after getting CHEAP gas ($2.19 a gallon, anyone?) and did some mad cleaning. Still have more to do, but figure I can vaccuum while I have laundry cooking, and a quick trip to the grocery store will happen sometime too. Everything - and that's EVERYTHING - should be done by 6pm. That's my goal.

Which leaves me time to relax a bit before running to O'Hare.

So, since I'll be out and about this weekend, take a look here and let me know what you think. I'll be back on Monday.

Have a good weekend, everyone.

Stupid Fuckers

2006-02-15T21:09:00.000-06:00

On 2/7 - last Tuesday - a company I submitted an application to emailed and asked me to schedule a phone interview with them during the week of 2/13 and 2/17 and between 8am and 5pm.

As I can't access my home email from work, I responded on the evening of 2/7 with a time for this Friday, as I'll be off work.

On 2/8, the HR contact emailed and said based on my resume, they would like to move the interview up to earlier in the week. Again that evening, I responded by saying I would check my schedule and let them know.

On the evening of 2/10 - Friday - I emailed with a new proposed day and time, that being today. I heard no response from HR. I emailed the contact yesterday asking for confirmation - today, Friday, never. I even left work early today in case I didn't hear back in time and the interview was actually on for today.

When I got home from work, there was an email saying since I hadn't responded in time, they had already filed my application and moved on.

I wrote the woman, asking her (politely) where the fuck the delay had occurred. She kindly let me know that after letting her know I'd check my schedule, "I didn’t receive anything until 2/13, and by that time, we had filed your application." Since I sent the email on Friday night, she didn't get it until Monday morning. I get that. That makes it four days since she had heard from me, even though I responded in two.

Now, I ask you: Is two days unacceptable? If this is a candidate you're truly interested in - even if it's not - is 2 days an unreasonable amount of time?

I'm royally pissed. Not because I necessarily wanted the job, though from all I've heard it's a good company and a good job, but because I feel I'm in the right and her expectations are unreasonable. I'm also pissed because had she confirmed my initial day and time, we could have avoided all of this.

So Close

2006-02-14T21:20:00.000-06:00

It's ironic that I turn to you for help purging, since you're part of the initial problem. But what else is left?

Your call earlier turned a decent enough day sour. How is it that with one small voice, with one hesitant dismissal, everything else becomes impacted? The errand, ruined; the night, dismal.

Your email brought to mind similar words spoken years ago by someone else. "I won't contact you anymore; when you're ready, you contact me."

No one thinks to ask what will happen if I'm never ready.

I worry that I'm making the same mistake I made before, if indeed it can be classified as a mistake. Would it have made a positive difference if we salvaged the friendship? I felt you tried to guilt me into doing so, and that was adding insult to an already fatal injury.

You say you've missed me, but...that's not enough. And I'm not sure I feel the same.

Day-to-day Shit

2006-02-12T22:21:00.000-06:00

I made a lot of headway this weekend, getting my place in visitor-shape. I actually dusted the entire living room - and I won't even tell you how long it's been since I did that. I also culled books from my too-large-for-my-bookshelf collection and threw them into the donation section of my library. Then I threw a bunch of clothes at Goodwill; clothes that had been (for the most part) packed and taking up floor space.

I put my old computer monitor into my storage unit and my old CPU is sitting ready to be booted up and scoured for any personal files (or porn) before I donate it.

I got a pedicure and my brows done today. I also spent $60 at Target and got almost everything on my list and only one thing that wasn't on it. Since that item is a blanket my girls can use next week, it doesn't count as useless spending. :)

After dinner with the Irish folks Thursday, some leftovers made their way into my car. Unfortunately, some of the leftovers got onto the leather and fabric of the passenger seat and the backseat, so that was carefully cleaned today.

I shopped for and purchased items to make Valentine's treats for work. Every Tuesday I have three 1/2-hr meetings in a row; they're all in the same room and some people need to be at all three. They gave me crap last week for not bringing them chocolate, so I will have treats this week. I'll probably make a few more cookies tomorrow night.

I took pictures of and posted a few items for sale on eBay. I still have my GameCube to sell; I'll get that set up tonight.

I cooked a healthy dinner and have already cleaned up after it.

I just have to vaccuum the family room and pick up the blankets I use on the couch and this room is done. I have to clean the kitchen floor; clean the bathroom, and then put away clothes in the bedroom, and the whole place is done.

It's all boring, but it feels good.

The New Math

2006-02-09T11:38:00.000-06:00

Remember the contract position I mentioned below? The one that pays barely less than what I currently make?

The recruiter gave me the hourly wage - say, $50. I took 50 and multiplied it by 40 = 2000. Right? Right.

So that's $2000 per week. My current company pays us twice a month; so, 2000 times 2 = 4000.

$4000 a month. Minus a third for taxes, and you get approximately $2600 a month take-home.

Not worth it. Right? Right.

Now, if I had taken into consideration that there are FOUR weeks in a month...then that's 2000 times 4, for $8000 month. Subtract taxes and you're taking home almost double what I currently make.

THAT...that, might be worth pursuing.

It's a Mixed Bag

2006-02-07T20:58:00.000-06:00

I haven't forgiven. And I won't forget. But I'm trying to get past that. I feel I'm taking a chance by blogging here again, but...it's a chance I have to take. I think I'm reasonably confident that no such breach will occur again - the Offender (and others) know the penalty.
-----
I've spent a lot of time with BBB lately. He's still dead sexy, but the pull isn't there like it used to be. We've been spending a bit of time entertaining two Irish men from our subsidiary company who are in town for training. The guys are great - fun, likeable, nice guys, and our age, so it's been easy to have deeper (or not, depending on the mood) conversations.

During the time I've spent with all the boys, it's become evident that BBB and I have led extremely different lives: as a white woman, I feel cops are - as a general class - good. As a black man, he's not so certain. Growing up in a two-parent middle-class home, I know education, health care, privileges, etc as easily obtained. I'm not trying to say that's the norm, but it's what I know as the norm. Growing up in a single-parent low-income family, he doesn't know that as 'normal' experiences. Is he wrong? Am I?

He doesn't shy away from these conversations, which is great - especially when comparing the UK to America - and I would never tell him his opinion is wrong, but it's sometimes awkward to realize that what I've experienced and believe to be true is not someone else's reality.

Valuable, but still uncomfortable.
-----
I received a phone call tonight from a recruiter who saw my resume. She has positions available in Ohio if I'd like to move. Uh, no. I did, however, just speak to a different recruiter who has contract and permanent positions available that we both think I'd be good at. The contract position is for barely less than I'm making now, but with almost as good a company. The permanent positions are for decently more than I currently make but are not with well-known companies. From what she said, the contract position is as good as mine if I want it.

I also have a phone interview next week with a different company.

I'm getting frightened. I didn't think I'd actually have to make this decision. And while I don't have to now, I may have to soon, and I'm already stressing about it.
-----
I'm having out-of-state visitors next weekend and I'm already stressing about that, too. Will we all fit in here? What will we do? Where I know how to get to places? Will they be too scrunched in my car? Will I have enough of the right food/drinks/towels/bedding? Will my place be clean enough?

I've been told that they don't or won't care. I've been told that they're coming to see me and don't care if we sit and eat and drink the entire time. I'm just not sure I fully believe that.

The Emails

2006-02-02T12:09:00.000-06:00

1.
O: Are you just busy or are you avoiding me? I feel really, really bad.

2.
KtP: I'm not avoiding you, I'm just not talking to you right now. Leave me alone, you do NOT want to provoke me further.

3.
KtP: You SHOULD feel "really, really bad." You deliberately did something you knew I didn't want you to do; you kept it from me, and, as you've been doing lately, you tried to lie to me about it.

You effectively killed an outlet that I had. Blogging was a way for me to think things through, purge them, and then leave them. I don't feel I can do that now - thanks very much.

For years Someone has said that when she asks you how I'm doing, you don't give anything away. Well, that's great. Even better now that you're not going to have anything to tell. I trusted you before, I just didn't want to share anything. Now I don't even trust you.

I hope you're having a crappy week. I may have to love you, but I don't like you at all right now.

4.
O: No dispute. I suck.

But I don't think this has to kill your outlet. I have promised to you that I will not go back to the blog and I mean it. If you truly knew how badly I felt, you would know that I mean that promise and would never betray you again.

And, not that this is in anyway an excuse, but think about how desperate I must've been to learn more about what you were really feeling and thinking to even go looking for your blog. Know that I felt crummy even searching for it and think about how badly I must've wanted to connect with you or really know how you are that I would do that. Think about how worried I must've been about you and about all the things you keep hidden inside that I would've looked for this other information about you. And think about how bad it made me feel to realize that you could share all of these real personal things about how you are really doing with strangers on the internet and not with me.

I miss you. And I'm sorry.

5.
KtP: You're right. That isn't an excuse. Obviously I didn't feel I could or wanted to share things with you, for whatever reasons. Personally, I don't care if it made you feel bad or not. Had you not gone looking for trouble, you wouldn't have found it.

The Conversation

2006-02-02T09:53:00.000-06:00

KtP: So, I have a question for you. Did you search out my blog?
Offender: (Teeny pause) Did I?
KtP: Yes
O: (Teenier pause) No
KtP: Are you lying to me?
O: Yes. I know I shouldn't have
KtP: You're right, you shouldn't have
O: But I only did it for like the last week
KtP: And that makes it okay?
O: I promise I won't do it again, I didn't bookmark it or anything
KtP: And that makes it okay? How can I believe you?
O: Because I give you my word, I promise
KtP: And how much is that really worth?

Trust is Fleeting

2006-01-30T19:39:00.000-06:00

One of the things my old flame Johnny used to say was that you always have choices.

That's true in this situation, too. I just don't know which choice to make.

I trusted someone close to me to not search out my blog. For over a year - actually, almost 18 months - I managed to avoid giving out my URL to certain people. I trusted that they knew I didn't want them reading me and I trusted that they would honor that.

I found out on Friday that that trust was misplaced, and I'm not sure how to handle any aspect of it - blogging continued.

I don't want to password-protect.

I don't want to scrap this site and move on. Doing so doesn't guarantee anything; if I was found once, I can be found again.

I don't want to censor myself; I've struggled enough with that in the past.

So that leaves me with...what?

Matrixed

2006-01-27T19:19:00.000-06:00

Remember that scene in the Matrix - I think the first one - where those octopus things ate or sawed their way through, almost into the hull of the ship?

Yeah. This blog's security has been breached.

Please pardon it while the woman behind the computer figures out how the hell to move forward.

Conversationally So, Part 3

2006-01-26T21:32:00.000-06:00

Everyone who's chimed in to the first two parts of this unexpected series have given me something to consider. I may not agree, but at least I'm looking at the situation with my eyes wider open. Let me try to give a little background as to how the conversation of job hunting even came up, and then I'll tell you what I'm actually doing about it, and again invite your input.

As I mentioned in part 1, an old schoolmate and I engaged in conversation about why one should leave a comfortable / good / exciting / well-paid / you-choose-the-description job for the unknown of something new. And while that conversation was triggered by the departure of a third classmate and colleague, there was another reason for the discussion.

For weeks, there had been rumors that my - our - company was going to ask for a voluntary reduction in staff. An enhanced retirement package would be offered in an attempt to cut costs and save the bottom line. At the time of the discussion, we knew only rumors, but that didn't stop the 'what-ifs' and the asking of 'would you take the payout?'

Now - present time - we know the details of the offer. And while I do enjoy my job, and I like the atmosphere, and I enjoy the vast majority of the people, and I am paid a liveable wage, and I do continuously find challenges and opportunities and feel I am embarking on a career rather than a job, well...I've also started thinking.

As any regular reader here knows, I have no social life. I, perhaps unwisely, chose to live in the suburbs to be close to the job, rather than in the city close to the people. While it might seem the solution is rather obvious, it's not. I don't want to gain social opportunities by losing 2+ hours a day in a commute.

So now comes a time where I could leave the job and move to a city that would offer more social opportunities while perhaps also offering a similarly promising career path. I could make the transition with a few extra bucks in the bank; I could leave on good terms; I could end up in a city with a lower cost of living and more affordable homes.

And so I'm looking and updating resumes and searching, and I'm torn. I still do feel that it's partly a waste of my time; that I really have no reason to leave the company.

And while that last statement is true - the career can't be the only part of my life that progresses. I just don't know whether it shouldn't be the most important.

In a Bad Way

2006-01-23T22:19:00.000-06:00

It was snowing madly when I left work Friday, so I scrapped my plans of a movie-dinner date with myself and camped out on the couch. All was fine until I got into an arguement via phone with my sister, hung up on her, and burst into tears.

I didn't leave the apt the entire weekend; granted, we got a few inches of snow, but still. In between horrible, body-wracking sob sessions, I gave my mind over to crappy TV and trashy novels - anything to take my mind away from here.

It wasn't just the fight with my sister, but if I could explain what, exactly, it was, well...

Tomorrow is supposed to be the biggest day for depression all year, or something like that. Great. I so need that.

Timing

2006-01-21T18:01:00.000-06:00

It's almost funny, I suppose, how every time I feel it's just time to end things - every time I feel the past is over, and there's nothing in the future for us - you come through with an effort that makes me rethink my stance.
-----
It's not impossible; I'm not suggesting it is.

But I am stating that it's unfathomable.

Conversationally So, Part 2

2006-01-20T15:56:00.000-06:00

As I alluded to in part 1, the 7 years E spent at my company hurt him in some job interviews. Interviewers were concerned, perhaps confused as to why he had stayed in one locale for so long. This suprised me; longevity equals loyalty, right? As Vince said, "If you're changing jobs every few months," then that's a problem. Why would the converse also be true?

In my company - perhaps in the industry - people stay a very long time. Twenty years is not unusual; more is quite common. At 28, I've already been here five years. People come, out of college or high school, and they stay until they're forced out, they die, or they retire.

I'm not endorsing this practice, but I'm not condoning it either. Obviously, a good employee (for that's all this discussion focuses on) with many years in a company can be a great asset. If the four criteria mentioned in Part 1 (challenging atmosphere, comfortable work environment, liveable salary, and great benefits) are present, why should an employee need to leave? And why would the company want them to? And why wouldn't any outside company see that as a positive?
-----
Everyone says that the company won't look out for you; that you may be valuable, but you're not irreplaceable. I definitely agree with this in the grand scheme of things. In the teeny tiny picture though...I'm not so sure.

As stated above, many of my coworkers have been here for decades; some have been here since before I was born. They yammer on about how they 'used' to get 12% raises, and how they 'used' to have summer hours, and how they 'used' to get this, that and the other thing. They tell me how I have to go after everything I want myself, how no one will hand anything to me, how nothing comes easy. And I smile and I nod, but I'm thinking that's not been my experience.

No, a company won't look out for you when it comes down to push-and-shove. But it may look out for you during the day-to-day.
-----
I'm afraid to open my eyes, to scan the classifieds, to post on Monster. I'm afraid to leave the behemoth of the company I'm at for a number of reasons. Let's ignore, for the moment, the four criteria that are present for me here. Instead, let's look at the other facts: 1. I'm at a huge, nationally recognized company. The opportunities that exist here just aren't present at the majority of places. My friend E who left is now #5 in a company of 18. That's right, 18 people TOTAL. I have to admit, I'm a little afraid for him - where can he go in that situation? What chances are there? What networking can take place? Extreme example, but it works as an illustrator.

2. I'm afraid to burn bridges. It's not impossible nor unlikely that I could leave the present place, go somewhere else, not like it, or reach my max. potential there, or whatever - and want to come back. I'm afraid I will find that the grass is not greener, that the move was a mistake and there's no way to remedy it.

Let's face it - no matter how polite a leave is, some people refuse to let you back into their fold. I'm afraid of that.

3. Perhaps I'm more cynical than anyone else, but I take half of what any interviewer says with a grain of salt. Flex time? Of course. Benefits? Great. Pay? Competitive? Challenges and opportunities? Without bounds. But that's not always the case, and often you're too reliant to leave when you finally figure that out.

Sheesh mentioned that "...before applying and interviewing, I have to ask myself whether it seems to be a position that I would want." Wise move, Sheesh, but again...can you trust the interviewer to give you the straight scoop?

I know the situation here on that score. Is it worth trading for something that 'might' be better?

4. The guy I talked most to at the bar told me repeatedly that I'm selling myself short, that I could do a lot better than where I am now. I don't know that I agree.

I do a good job, but the environment here is so extremely centric that I do have doubts about making it anywhere else. And to bill myself as someone fantastic, to leave a comfort zone for a place and position where I may fall?

Perhaps you can see my hesitation.
-----
And when does money become the determining factor? I could make more money; who couldn't? Wouldn't a few extra hundred/thousand bucks a week/month/year make a difference to nearly everyone? When does - or should? - a significantly larger salary overshine the other three criteria?

I'm single with no kids. I worry about the future, probably more than is 'normal' for someone in my situation. I have a Roth IRA, a 401(k), a pension plan, and a money market. I don't spend fanatically, nor do I save at that level. I'm still frantically worried about my financial future - the 'what if's loom large and menacing, and I'm trying to prepare for them as best as I can.

Is more - or deeper, better - whichever word you want - financial security worth a less challenging atmosphere? Is it worth an environment of no team outings, no jeans days, no food days, no flex time, no holiday parties? Is it worth a few weeks vacation? My dream these days is of owning a house - which is no small feat in the area I live. $20k more a year would go a long ways in achieving that dream, but what's the hidden cost?
-----
Of course, I know none of these answers. But I appreciate your responses.

Hard to Please, Editorialized

2006-01-20T11:56:00.000-06:00

I can't always be your cheerleader. - Work

Fuck you if I made you feel stupid; you are sucking the life from me. - Work

I'm not your personal vent-ee. - Work

I will stop taking your calls. - Work

Maybe you CAN'T do the job; I'm done telling you differently. - Work

I'm done hearing about how your husband annoys you. - Personal

I'm done hearing about how fat you are without doing a single fucking thing about it. - Personal

I'm tired of having a boss who puts me in an awkward position. - Work

I'm tired of people telling me I don't give myself enough credit. - Personal

I'm sick of watching you chew your fingers to the bone during meetings. - Work

I'm so, so tired of having to do everything myself. - Personal

I'm disgusted that I waited for your letter and even more disgusted that it never came. - Personal

I'm sick of people getting upset if I call them out on not doing their job, or for doing it poorly. If you knew the right way to do something...why didn't you do it the right way? - Work

I'm tired of feeling it's never enough. - Personal

I'm tired of the perception. - Work

I'm tired of the questions. They make me ill. - Personal

I'm done with the hope; it was fake anyway. - Personal

I'm sick of the worry. - Personal

I'm tired of the delays, of the false tries, of the insufficient solutions. - Personal
-----
I've had a hundred thoughts to get down but not the patience, apparently, to actually wield my fingers into crafting them.

I struggle. Often. More than I should, more than is necessary. But this helps. Sorta. Sometimes.

Guess that beats nothing.

Defeated

2006-01-20T10:03:00.000-06:00

I remember not much longer than a year ago, sneaking around and thinking I was being cryptic and secretive and oh-so-cute. God that must have been nauseating. And oh-so-transparent.
-----
I took a few minutes today to reread an old 'Journal of Hate.' Before I began blogging, but after Ex dropped me, I needed an outlet to purge all the nasty, pent-up, spurned and scorned and painful feelings I have. I dated each entry and added to the journal. It helped me get through the moment, and it helped me breathe again until the next.

For months on end, there were multiple entries. They trickled out, though, and it's been oh, at least 9 months since I had even read any of it. The feelings are still there, but they're not strong enough now to need purging.

What hurt the most, I think, was that I made him work for my trust, and he proved he was worthy of it. Until he wasn't.
-----
March 22 creeps ever closer. I hate that it's still difficult.
-----
And what made it all so incredibley beyond shitty was that I was finally okay. I was finally stable. I had finally owned up to being a mess and was finally past that. That you chose then to leave - that you stuck by me when I needed you most and gave me space when I claimed I needed it, when I pushed you away - but that you waited until I was as happy with myself as I had ever been - then, you left. It made me doubt anything prior we had had; it made me wonder if you were always wanting to leave but never brave enough.

I've always thought I loved you, but looking back now...rereading things now...well. Perhaps it's best you left; it's apparent that you weren't healthy for me.

But you could have been.

Conversationally So

2006-01-18T21:34:00.000-06:00

Left work a tad early today to go to a going-away party for a classmate of mine. E is a years older than I am and we've enjoyed a sarcastic banter with our friendship over the past couple years. He's left the company for greener pastures, and today was his last day.

A second classmate friend, T, showed up, and he and I had an interesting conversation while E mingled. T and I talked at length about the performance review and raise mentality, schedule, and excution of our company, and we talked at length about when and why one should look elsewhere for employment.

And he may have raised some points that have caused me to think. I HATE that!

Should one who has a job she enjoys that provides a challenging atmosphere, comfortable work environment, liveable salary, and great benefits - i.e., no discontent with the current job - look elsewhere because she may not know better until she finds it?

Let's call those factors 1-4, and deem them the deciding factors in accepting a job.

My stance was that the factors should be taken into consideration as a whole. Pay isn't squat if the job sucks. If the job's great but you can't live on the salary, that sucks. If you have a liveable salary and a good job, but you have nowhere to go in the company and/or shitty empl;oyees, the job sucks.

This was going to be a really good post, but 3 beers take its toll. I'll pick up tomorrow. Sober.

Mini Tuesday

2006-01-17T08:18:00.000-06:00

Anyone see Drew Barrymore's globes on prominent display?

Sheesh. Get a bra, woman!
-----
Remember the Irish coworker I had a crush on a few months back? Well, BBB just told me that the Irish guy is coming here for a work visit! He'll be here for two weeks, starting at the end of the month. I'm sure we'll all go out at least once or twice. FUN!
-----
While cold canteloupe may be a tasty breakfast, it in no way is filling.
-----
This idiot yesterday emailed me 4 times and called me 5 times to discuss something that was apparently urgent. However, since I was in meetings all freaking day, and since he left very few voicemails and marked nothing urgent, I didn't respond immediately.

I emailed him today and asked him to mark things 'urgent' if he needs a prompt response.

Seriously, people have to be told this stuff? Apparently, because it works - he just emailed me with an urgent request - but seriously...
-----
HA!
-----
If you're in the bathroom, and you can hear someone else in there, it might be a good idea to keep your moans, groans and grunts to yourself.

Geeked Out

2006-01-15T22:42:00.000-06:00

I bought this yesterday and put it together all by my lonesome:

I used it to lug groceries inside:

Notice the soda? Four 12packs are now living comfortably on the 4th floor. There will be no more shortage!

And tonight it was inagurated into the world of Peon Laundry:

Oh, and did I mention I finally got a digital camera?

Anniversary

2006-01-15T20:51:00.000-06:00

If you knew then what you knew now...would you do it again?

I know my answer. Do you know yours?

:-(

2006-01-13T21:15:00.000-06:00

I'm a sad Peon tonight for a myriad of reasons.

Normally I'd sit and smoke and drink all night, but I'm off smokes again.

That's okay, I still have liquor - a bottle of icewine, 2 unopened bottles of rum, and some amaretto.

It's just too bad I have no soda to go along with that...
-----
When I went into work this morning, it was raining fairly hard.

When I went out to lunch today, it was snowing like nobody's business.

When I left work this evening, it was again raining and chilly.

Just now, when I ran out to my car, it was clear and crisp.

Fuckin' Chicago weather.
-----
I should just go to bed and call it a week.

My $759,000 Yacht

2006-01-12T19:54:00.000-06:00

Went to the Chicago Boat Show today as a work outing. (Trust me, there was a valid connection.) Some of these boats were absolutely ginormous. A 3-bedroom, 2bathroom boat with a washer and dryer was nicer than my apartment. There was also a $1.2million boat, but you had to have an appointment to step foot on that one.

One flyer in the used boat section advertised a 2006 model worth $2.7million. The boat was 65 feet long. The owner was selling because s/he was 'moving up' and would accept any 'reasonable offer.' La di da!

Needless to say, I won't be purchasing a boat any time soon.

After we poked around the show, our bus took us for lunch at our area vice-president's condo. On the 5th and top floor of the building, with hardwood floors and a large wall of windows, the condo is very much a bachelor pad. Big screen TV...dart board...electric fireplace in the middle that is open on both sides, warming both in front and behind it.

The second floor houses the bedroom and a second bathroom; stairs from that level lead up to the rooftop patio. He's expecting to drop about 2grand for tickets to this weekend's Bears game.

Ah, how the other side lives...

Disturbing Dream #8275

2006-01-11T08:20:00.000-06:00

First, thanks to all for your comments on the below post. You gave me a lot to think about and once I have some time to adequately do so, I'll be revisiting that topic.

For now though, it's time to recap last night's horrifying dream.

It was my high school reunion, which I've already gone to, but dreams don't really care much about reality. The horrifying part was that apparently I forgot my clothes.

At the 'real' reunion, I forgot the outfit I specifically wanted to wear to the party. That was bad enough. In my dream, though, I forgot most all of my clothes and walked around with a towel covering my naughty bits.

"Hi, remember me? Yeah, 10 years gone by. What? Oh, the towel. Yep, I'm naked under here. I'd shake your hand, but, well, you understand."

Yeah. Great.

And to top it all off, I had to walk ALL around the hotel, trying to find the room I was staying in with my gfs. When I got there, I found a big glass shower in the middle of the room.

So what else would I do but shower with Wilmer Valderama?

We steamed up the walls quite a bit...but when we finally broke suction, I noticed the steam had dissipated and my gfs could clearly see a naked Katey in the shower making out. Not so much what they need to see. EVER. Dream or not.

Note to self: Begin weaning from That 70's Show and the E! series on revealing celebrity fashions. Rosario Dawson is personally responsible for my dream.

Why I'll Rot in Hell

2006-01-09T17:24:00.000-06:00

A coworker of mine, S, was diagnosed last year (2005) with breast cancer.

She went through chemo and lost her hair but kept her breasts. That's an ending I'll take, right? Hair grows back, breasts...not so much.

Short-term disability requires only one week of vacation time spent before kicking in at our company (is that a nationwide requirement?). If you're on STD, you also continue to get paid for the time away. It's a pretty sweet deal, if you ignore the whole reason you're on STD in the first place.

S has been with the company for 15+ years. Our company gives you 4 weeks combo vacation/sick time per year. At your 5th anniversary and multiples thereafter, you get an additional week. So for people like S, she gets a minimum 7 weeks vacation/sick time a year.

That's important to know because, as S was on disability for the roughly 7 months she was battling cancer, it only cost her one week of her yearly vacation time.

Which meant when she came back into work, just before Thanksgiving, cancer-free, she still had three weeks of vacation time left to use or lose.

No one wants to lose vacation time, especially around the holidays, sooooo she took the time off.

In between decking the halls, she also broke her wrist. Not just any break - the kind of break that requires surgery and 6 weeks recovery.

So, yes, she's back on disability.

I have no heart. I am a capitalist pig and I'm in favor of big business (to a degree). I'm glad that S was able to recover in as much time as she needed; I'm glad she and her family didn't have to worry about income during her time of need; and I'm glad she's now healthy and in remission.

However.

I also find the benefits to be excessive and outrageous. Yes, if I had to utilize them to that extent, I'd be writing something different. But since so far I haven't needed that much disability, and haven't had something that serious to deal with, I continue to think that - outside of the cancer - it was a pretty sweet deal.

2006-01-07T20:57:00.000-06:00

Got back on the treadmill today for the first time in months. Why oh why did I think it was a good idea to take, like, 3 months off from it?

Sigh. Not quite up to Mikey's stamina, nor Julie's - the day you catch me biking to work is the day I've stolen someone's bike and lost my sanity - but at least I'm back on.

I'm also thinking about signing up for this 2month fitness program one of the park districts is offering. It's 16 sessions for cheaper than joining a gym, which I've done and never gone to, but for some reason I think a class will be different.

While cleaning my kitchen tonight, I found a $150 check my dad wrote me for something I fronted for him a few months ago. Sweet! I went shopping today with the hope of dropping oodles of cash on new work clothes, but I found absolutely nothing (maybe because I got discouraged after one store). So I bought three new CDs instead - Best of Culture Club, a RENT soundtrack that has been playing nonstop for the past couple hours, and then a compilation CD for the treadmill. I love good new music.

That's definitely a trade-off I can live with, especially as I have yet to unpack from last weekend's time away.

And speaking of...enjoy the rest of your weekend!

Um...Hi, How Have You Been?

2006-01-06T18:40:00.000-06:00

Remember Online Boy from a few months ago? No? Well, check the link to find out more. I hadn't heard from him since his last stupid email.

Until today.

He emailed me pics of his New Year's party. No message, just the link to Shutterfly or Flickr or whatever it is he uses.

So, do I write him back? Ask how he is? Or do I just...do nothing?

2006-01-05T19:34:00.000-06:00

Okay, the hot chick from The Hot Chick? She was so much hotter in Mean Girls.
-----
I just knocked my mouse off the desk. Do you know what a pain it is to get the mouse from the floor BEHIND the desk? I have to, like, scoot the desk forward a little, then reach towards the middle of it, impaling my gut on its sharp corner. Not to mention, there are scary things down there.

But at least I can grab my meds too while I'm down there, since I just knocked THEM off too. SON OF A!!
-----
A coworker was in my cube today, and we were very obviously poring over a document on my desk. R came by to stand in the doorway of my cube. "Don't mind me, I don't mean to interrupt." Um...okay. What DID you want, then? "I'm just here to take a number." Blank stare. "I need Katey when you two are done." Coworker said we wouldn't be long. "Oh, that's okay, I'm no rush."

Okay, FREAK. We share a cube wall. That wall is low enough to see over when you stand. If it's not a rush, then note that I'm busy and catch me when I'm not.

Fucker. I later told him not to interrupt me. Am I the only one who thinks this shouldn't be that hard?
-----
Will someone please buy me the Vanity Fair with Lindsay Lohan on the cover? I promise not to read any of the insipid article.

Shittier

2006-01-05T18:03:00.000-06:00

I will be going home. Soon. I will make myself a nice big glass of Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper (dear universe let me have some left!) and Amaretto.

And then I will sit down and cry-eye.

Shit

2006-01-05T11:52:00.000-06:00

After an almost completely sleepless night on Tuesday, I went to bed about 10:30 last night. Didn't want to go to bed TOO early, for fear I'd wake up at 4am, ready to go.

So instead, I tossed and turned until around midnight last night. When I finally fell asleep for good, I slept long and hard. So long and hard that it was a miracle I woke up at all.

AT 9:45 AM.

Never mind I had a 9am meeting. Never mind I had a 10am meeting. I immediately called boss lady, who laughed at me, and agreed to move the 10am meeting up until 10:30. I hopped in the shower, threw on some clothes, and got to work.

Where I spent 10 minutes looking for a parking spot, only to end up FAR from my cube. I work in Building E, which is on the North East side of the building. I parked in front of Building B, the South West corner. Go me!

Then, in my 10/10:30 meeting, I found out that the document I sent last Wednesday, 12/28, was the wrong document. Never mind that everyone was supposed to review it ahead of time and no one did, so no one told me so I could have fixed the mistake, but that basically meant the meeting was shot and we need another one.

Due to the timing of things, the meeting has to be tomorrow. Great, everyone likes a lunchtime meeting on Friday, right?

Someone put me out of my misery. Please?

Get Bent!

2006-01-04T21:55:00.000-06:00

Okay, so, what IS the deal with That 70's Show? Apparently Eric's not on the new season? Yeah, I only watch the reruns on FX, so what?

Maybe there's a 'real' viewer out there who can tell me what the point is of having Jackie on the show. She's not cute. She whines a lot, and when she's not whining, she's pouting. So unattractive.

And Kelso. Seriously. Why is he even on the show? Don't even tell me it's for comedic relief, for I may hurl my Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper over my dusty keyboard.

But Hyde...Hyde...I'd like to play hide and seek with him. I like his laid-back attitude, his dry humor, his unexpected smile when I join him in the shower, the way his curly locks give me something to hold on to...

Oh, you're still here?

Part of my lust for Hyde is attributed to his likeness to CK, my high school crush. They're both stoners (or at least I'm presuming CK hasn't given that up), they both have this curly reddish hair, they're both above or perhaps beyond the petty everyday shit that people get wrapped up in.

What? Hyde's a fictional character and perhaps I'm reading too much into things?

Good day, I say!

Leftovers

2006-01-03T21:07:00.000-06:00

I threw out some of the leftover holiday goodies because I was so sick of them. The leftover baklava, however, will be consumed.

Sprint is trying to charge me for my free upgrade. Fuckers! If someone would have answered my first, second, or third call to customer service today, this could have been resolved already. Fuckers.

I did some useless cleaning last night - my makeup/hair cabinet in the closet, to make room for the new soaps and lotions I received; some shredding of documents that have piled up. Tonight I made chili and cleaned up the kitchen a little. Remind me to get leftovers ready for lunch tomorrow before bed.

I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow; they're supposed to have my pathology reports back. About two weeks ago I had a very very uncomfortable very PAINFUL biopsy done from a place where no biopsies should ever be done again EVER. I actually hope they've found something, for I've been having some issues for months now that aren't getting resolved. If they haven't found anything, then...I don't know what I'm going to do.

I did actually get most of my Turkey pics developed and am thinking of uploading some so I can show them off. That's progress, right?

I managed a brief but good conversation with New Girl today - all personal talk. I learned a few things about her that surprised me. I like when people surprise me, when I think I have them somewhat figured out and then BAM they throw a curveball at me.

The other night I dreamt that BBB and I were competing against each other in the Real World/Road Rules challenge. I so need to stop watching that.

I finished The Nanny Diaries tonight and was really disappointed by the ending. I wanted Nan to really stick it to Mrs. X. Stupid fiction book.

I have such a crush on Hyde from That '70s Show. He even has my birthday, if you subtract a year and add a couple months. That means it's fate, right?

More New Year's to (Sorta) Remember

2006-01-01T18:28:00.000-06:00

The first time I got drunk was New Year's of my junior year in high school. I had been drinking before that - Everclear in the parking lot, wine coolers at the house party, but that New Year's I got ddddRUNK.

Me and the girls - well, two of them anyway - gathered with the rest of the crew at Chris's dad's trailer. Dad was gone; the liquor was present. I don't remember a hell of a lot, outside of shooting daggers at 'the freshman,' the girl my crush was crushing on. I crawled around on the floor a lot, shushing the plants, since one of the girl's boyfriends was already passed out in the back. Quiet, please!

Chris's dad showed up at some point, and before he started chasing Chris around with a frying pan, he skeeved us out by brushing one of the girls hair and exclaiming over how pretty it was.

We left soon after and went to the local Perkins. I tried repeatedly to pour myself water, missing the glass at least four times before my crush lent me a hand. After we sobered up a bit, my girl J and I went to her boyfriend's mom's house. I snoozed on the sofa almost immediately; they were nice enough to cover me and shoo the dog away.

When we all woke up in the am, I joined them on his bed. Unfortunately, his room was lined with empty liquor bottles - not the best atmosphere. Still, I made it through without any recap of my stomach's contents.
-----
I wasn't that lucky on New Year's my senior year in high school. Two of our older guy friends owned a house out in the serious boondocks. I don't know what I drank, but I do know I was drunk enough to land some serious kisses on my crush, my girl L's step-brother. He wasn't interested or that amused, but everyone else was. Ah, liquid encouragement.

I also kissed Roy, a serious badass who had caused trouble with my girl N before I got in the state. However, Roy was never anything but charming and sweet to me, which caused N some disbelief and some words of warning to me. He and I talked a bit of smack and then smacked a bit of lip.

There was also a third guy I kissed that night; it may have been Z, who's older brother owned the house. He came in to check on me once I had to lie down, and found great amusement in the fact that the room was spinning on me. He was, however, a good friend of mine, and made sure I was comfy and covered.

After the party broke up, J and I went back to her house, where we crashed. Mom picked me up in the morning for church, the only condition of letting me stay at J's the night before. She had asked me what we would be doing and thought we were up to something, but luckily I was able to convince her otherwise.

Until, of course, the middle of mass, where I started to not feel so well. I made it to the bathroom before puking my guts out. Those cold tile walls felt so good on my face. Mom, however, was not as impressed.
-----
Last night? Well, last night I was in bed about 11:30 and read fairy tales for about an hour. Happy New Year, indeed.

Stealing, Again

2005-12-31T18:32:00.000-06:00

This time from Jamie; the idea, to post the first sentence from the first post in every month:

January
"Sorry to disappoint, friends, but nothing climatic - literally or, well, literally - came from hearing from my old friend."

Oh yes, the rekindling of my friendship with Racist Homophobic Slutty Man from my Past. It wasn't the happy reunion I had envisioned.

February
"My eyes are red and itchy."

I know, drugs do that to you.

March
"Tuesdays are frozen pizza night in the Peon's household."

Yep, a four-year weekly staple that's now DONE!

April
"Seriously."

Booooorrrring.

May
"It´s warm here!"

Yay for Costa Rica and warm sunny beaches!

June
"I've been angry with you for some time now."

Another letter to s/he-who-shall-remain-nameless, expressing my angst in my passive-aggressive manner.

July
"Left work early today; came home and snoozed in between episodes of 'Pimp My Ride.'"

Another lazy weekend, that started.

August
"I had decided I was going to Richmond, VA for a weekend to visit my best college gf."

Another good weekend, that started.

September
"I can't even express my frustration right now."

Fun in the workplace.

October
"1. I used to think that married men who cheat on their wives were all 45years old, married for decades and looking to get a piece of ass from their 18yr old secretary."

Fun - and then, not so fun - at a college reunion.

November
"A play."

Sisterly love. Or not.

December
"Hello all."

Greetings from abroad.

At the very least I can say it was a busy year, right?

Christmas Redux

2005-12-28T22:18:00.000-06:00

Back at the folks today, after three stops at ice cream stores for peppermint ice cream.

Sigh.

My sister's bday is January 2nd; she wanted a chocolate-peppermint cake she saw in Cooking Light: two layers chocolate cake with a middle layer of peppermint ice cream. The cakes were baked last night; the ice cream, no where to be find.

Finally, Ben & Jerry's came through. It may be white ice cream, and it may have chocolate bits in it, but goddamn if it's not peppermint!

We had time for a brief visit before dinner; BIL & I made a quick beer run just under the wire. We came back to roast beef and - latkes!!!

It's a family tradition - we make them once a year when we're all together for Christmas. It started years ago, when dad's mom would visit for Hanukkah. We stopped for a while, for unknown reasons, and then when BIL got into the picture and told us he had never had any, we started again.

Mmmm mmmm good.

After dinner we did stockings; there were a few nice surprises, both given and received, and then we played Trivial Pursuit 90's edition and gorged on my baked goods that mom froze when I was here last week.

Tomorrow? Breakfast of my homemade pumpkin bread...actual presents...a birthday celebration that will mainly consist of cake...and perhaps bowling.

Friday, us kids (and two dogs) leave for the weekend in Madison.

Aye. I'm already tired. So far, though, sister and I are getting along great. We're teasing and poking but so far, not too far. Cross your fingers that this trend - much like the warm weather - continues.

A Peon's Year in Review

2005-12-28T13:41:00.000-06:00

March: Got a good raise
April: Finished grad school; went to Costa Rica
May: Celebrated my 28th birthday in NoDak with my girls
July: Got a performance bonus
August: Visited my gf in Virginia
September: Attended my 10year high school reunion, back in NoDak with my girls; started my current position
November: Bought a new car; went to Turkey
December: Got an even better raise

Can't really beat this year in a lot of ways.

Thievery in the Morning

2005-12-27T10:08:00.000-06:00

Thanks, Joanne!

January
Did you have any New Year's Resolutions this year? Nope, it's hard to perfect perfection.
Who kissed you at midnight? An actual, live boy
Does it snow where you live? Yes it does
Do you like hot chocolate? Sometimes
Have you ever been to Times Square to watch the ball drop? No, and I don't have much desire to, either. It sounds like something that in theory would be fun but the reality would not be so much

February
Who was your Valentine in 2005? Nobody
What did your Valentine get you? An imaginary present
When you were little, did you buy Valentines for your whole class? Didn't everybody?

March
Are you Irish? Part, yes
Do you wear green on St. Patty's Day? Not usually
What did you do for St. Patty's Day? Probably sat on my ass

April
Do you like the rain? Only if I'm inside with nowhere to go
Did you play an April Fools joke on anyone? No, I'm always afraid of getting gotten back
Do you get tons of candy on Easter? Nope

May
What's your favorite kind of flower? Any kind someone gives me
Do you like the spring? Yes
Finish the phrase: April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? My birthday! Okay, not really, but growing up, we always had crocuses (croci?), daffodils, and even strawberries in time for my birthday.
What would you think of as a spring color? Yellow. Or purple, or pink, or green

June
What year did you graduate from school? High School - 1995; College - 1999
Did you go on any vacations last June? Nope, not in June

July
What did you do on the 4th of July? Sat on my ass. I may have been at my folks' though.
Did you go on any vacations during this month? Jesus, no, not in July. Any other month, but of course this doesn't ask then...

August
Did you do anything special to end off your summer? I visited my best girlfriend in Virginia.
What was your favorite summer memory of '05? I had a fantastic birthday in NoDak with the girls.
Do you go swimming a lot in the summer? Not as much as I should, considering there's a pool in my apt complex.
Do you go to the beach a lot? No

September
Did you attend school/college in 05? Yes, I finished grad school
Who is/was your favorite teacher? Oh god, I have no freakin idea
Do you like fall better than summer? Nope!

October
What was your favorite Halloween Costume ever? I was a chocolate chip cookie in a Girl Scout/Brownie parade when I was little. Otherwise, I'm not a huge fan of dressing up because I can never think of anything.
What's your favorite candy? Um...Cheetos? Yeah, not so much a candy liker.
What did you dress up like this year? A corporate peon

November
Whose house do you usually go to for Thanksgiving? Mommy and Daddy's
Do you like stuffing? No
What are you thankful for? A healthy family

December
Do you like Christmas? Eh. It could be so much easier but it will never be.
Have you ever been kissed under the mistle toe? No
What do you want this year for Christmas? A digital camera (which I'm getting) and 1carat total weight diamond stud earrings (which I'm not getting).
What's the best present you ever got for Christmas? At the time I thought it was stupid, but the rolly duffel bag dad got me years ago has gone EVERYwhere with me.
Do you like cold weather? Not so much, but it's not really a bother. You get used to it.

So This Is Christmas

2005-12-25T10:49:00.000-06:00

Got to the 'rents Friday, early. My car was packed to the gills - baked goods, dirty laundry, clean clothes, presents.

So far, it's been nice being here. Relaxing. Ran a couple errands with dad yesterday; then ran a couple errands with mom. Went to church with mom yesterday; that's something I do every year for her. I usually make a fuss, but the degree varies.

I always feel badly when I'm in church with her, knowing she's there every week of the year alone. Knowing she's looking at all the little babies and kids and wishing for grandchildren. Knowing that I can't help with either of those wishes.

Mom didn't do a tree this year, as we thought we'd be at my sister's. Well, those plans changed at the last minute, so there's still no tree. Decorations are up everywhere, though, and I'll help hang the stockings in a minute.

Yes, that's right. It's Christmas day and we haven't hung stockings yet. Without my sister and BIL here, it just doesn't seem like Christmas. We haven't opened or exchanged a single present, and we won't until they get here on Wednesday. Well, we'll probably do it Thursday morning, actually. It's not a very Christmassy Christmas without them.

We all had some of my homemade pumpkin bread for breakfast, though, and are sitting around reading various things with Christmas music playing in the background. Mom washed the dog yesterday, so he's clean and cuddly. I finally got some Turkey pictures developed, so I might do some vacation posts later today.

For now, though...hope everyone's enjoying their holiday. Be well.

Note to Self

2005-12-23T10:16:00.000-06:00

Mini-marshmallows for breakfast do not fill you up.

Done!

2005-12-22T21:37:00.000-06:00

Peanut butter fudge (two batches) are chilling in the fridge. A loaf of pumpkin bread is cooking, and once that's done, I have another ready to go (I only have one loaf pan).

All the done goodies are packed up and in the freezer. All the presents are wrapped and portable.

The laundry is done.

All I need to do now is throw some clothes together, get the random stocking stuffer presents together from various places in the house, and load up the car!

Where IS Everybody????????

2005-12-22T16:22:00.000-06:00

Don't you know I'm trying to procrastinate here????

Blargh!

2005-12-22T15:00:00.000-06:00

1. I totally hate when I forget to make the footnote I had asterisked before.

2. I'm hungry! I didn't eat lunch b/c I wasn't hungry. Then I saw New Girl and gave her her present and shot the shit for a bit. By the time I got back to my building, the cafeteria was closed, and I still wasn't hungry.

Now, though...my tummy's growling! I could go upstairs and get some chips, but I'm hoping to leave soon and go home to find something yummy miraculously frozen and waiting to be devoured.

Insight

2005-12-22T11:41:00.000-06:00

When my sister was little, she made a card for Santa. On the inside left page was a Christmas tree. On the right was her letter.

And under the tree, on the left, she congratulated herself on drawing and coloring such a be-yoo-ti-ful picture.

"(Insert full name), you did a good tree!"

That's a running joke now between her (she?), my BIL, and myself.

"Wow, Kate, nice car. You did a good tree!"

"I got a raise - I did a good tree!"

It's one of those things that mean nothing to anyone outside the family, but to us, it incapsulates so much.
------
A few nights ago, some random guy IM'd me online. We chatted for a bit - he's local - and he hasn't stopped IM'ng me since. The only problem is, he's DULL.

Each night, I ask how he is. Fine. I ask what he's been doing. Nothing.

Nothing.

Now, I do nothing quite a bit myself, but at least I dress it up a bit. "Well, I watched this really neat show on PBS about the mating habits of crickets. Did you know that crickets are the only animal to fuck upside down?"*

Instead, he says, 'nothing." Next, please!

* I totally made that up. I mean, it might be true, but I wouldn't bet money on it. Instead, give your money to me, and I'll buy shoes with it.
------
It's a definite slow day today.

Boredom? What's That?

2005-12-21T19:29:00.000-06:00

I was fairly bored at work today. Not a hell of a lot going on these days. Scratched a thing or two off my to-do list, surfed the web a bit. Went to lunch with E, where we exchanged gifts. A big yummy smelling candle for Kate, yay! Got some lotion from New Girl; she'll get the chocolate voodoo doll from me tomorrow.

Then, around 1:30, I found some shit hanging on the fan above my head. Who did it involve? BBB! He's not always the brightest light in the chandelier. The issue wasn't his fault, but the way he was handling it wasn't the best. Shrug. It will get fixed. It always does.

Tonight I'm taking a reprieve from my baking duties. I went a little overboard last year and haven't quite reached those depths - yet - this year. The freezer is full of baklava, some no-bake chocolate-pb-oat cookies, some layered chocolate-vanilla-peanut bars, butterscotch-marshmallow-chocolate bars, and chocolate caramel cookies. I'm not done yet, though. I'll make a loaf or two of pumpkin bread, because it's so easy and SO good, and I think that will be it for this week.

All the treats will be packed up and taken to the 'rents this week. Then next week, I'll do some MORE baking in preparation for the after-Christmas Christmas celebration with sister & BIL.

Ah, holidays. Love 'em or leave 'em, but you can't ignore them completely.

Scrooge

2005-12-20T21:34:00.000-06:00

I don't do holiday cards. I stopped a few years back when it got to be a hassle. I got to thinking that everyone I love knows I love them - I make sure of that.

So what's a card going to do for you? And what do you do with the dozens you end up with each year? Me, I'd enjoy them for a bit, then...pitch 'em.

They got ridiculous for a while. One college friend sent one signed 'Love, Jenny & Steve.' I hadn't seen or talked to her in years, had never met her bf, and was seriously doubting he had feelings of any kind for me.

Then, too, I got to thinking - why am I sending cards to people I don't really care about? Because they sent me a card? Uh uh.

If I care about you - if you care about me - you should already know what's going on in my world. You should already know my trials and tribulations for the year; you shouldn't need a card to keep you updated. And if you need that recap of life as I know it to know how I'm doing, then maybe you need to rethink this friendship. Chances are, I have.

So tonight, I enjoyed an N'Sync serenade while I baked my heart out and un-panned some previously baked goods.

Life as I know it, indeed.

The True Story...

2005-12-19T15:41:00.000-06:00

My hours of TV watching this weekend included episode after episode of MTV's NEXT! I know I've gotten old when I watch shows like that and wonder, 'What would their parents think????'

of seven strangers...

After all that fluffy TV I needed some substance. Thank god "The Real World Austin" reunion show was on. That cast did not like each other. Danny & Melinda (Mel Pop-a-Squat, per a nickname) are now engaged. I'm doubting he spent one single penny on the flashy engagement ring, carriage ride, strawberries, roses, or champagne. Yeah, that's the real world alright.

picked to live in a house...

You'd think I was done with crap TV, but my tolerance for fluff will surprise you. I watched "The Real World Austin - The Sh!t They Should Have Shown" at least twice. Boobs, butts, and bimbos - standard fare.

to show what happens when people stop being polite...

And somewhere in between it all, I managed to wrap some presents, buy some more, get a pedicure, do some baking, get a haircut, talk to my sister 83204 times, and do five loads of laundry.

and start being real.

Crap TV - now in Motivation flavor!

Persistance Gets You Nowhere

2005-12-16T11:06:00.000-06:00

Remember the shorty I met at the Femmes concert this summer? Remember how I felt nothing positive towards him at all? Remember how he emailed me after the concert and how I wasn't interested?

Remember how he called me - twice - weeks after the show? Remember how I emailed him once, a blase note saying I got his voicemails and not much further?

He emailed me again this week. I've given him NO encouragement whatsoever, and his latest note was very strange: "Remember me? How have you been? I hope you're well. I'm going to Egypt in January! Drop me a note and let me know what's new with you! I hope to hear from you soon. "

Um, no. What part of getting brushed off do you not understand?

"I'm sure you're just being friendly, but I find it weird that you continue to contact me when I've shown absolutely zero interest. I felt no connection with you at all when we met - not even for friends. I'd prefer not to hear from you again."

His response? (Yes, I said response - apparently I wasn't clear enough.) "Happy Holidays!"

There's a possible joke in there somewhere about my magnetic pull to the boring and clueless...

Reap What You Sow

2005-12-14T20:24:00.000-06:00

There's a pattern happening that you must not think I've noticed. I'm tucked away on the back burner until things don't go your way. When that happens, I'm pulled out, brushed off, and used again. Used for what, I don't honestly know.

Am I sorry you're hurting? Sure, I'm human. I'd rather things worked out, whatever that means. Do I get a sick sense of pleasure from it? You bet your ass I do.

Karma may be a bitch, but I bet she's smiling.

Bragging

2005-12-14T11:21:00.000-06:00

Can I brag? I want to brag. Well, I don't want to brag, but I do want to share some good news. Trust me. Bragging is not something I do well or often.

But this is good news. But I'm worried that it will make some people feel badly. But should I be worried about that? I don't control their lives, only my own.

Shit. Well, let me just say that I have good news that I probably won't be sharing, but I'm happy right now - and shocked - and still perhaps a bit stunned.

Planning Ahead, Looking Behind

2005-12-13T19:09:00.000-06:00

Today was my office holiday party. Well, actually, it was a holiday party - the only one of three that I was able to attend. I did receive my gift from one of the parties I missed: a pink shirt.

Yes, I typed that correctly. The girls got pink polo shirts with our division name and logo on them, and the boys got blue polo shirts with our division name and logo on them. I'm all set for next freakin Halloween.

Today's party was fun, though. I defied politics and sat with my two friends, E and S, and while there were other people at the table with us, we three giggled and traded mock insults and engaged in a confetti war that I won. S will be shaking silver snowflakes out of her top for days.

The food was great, too, as we were at a nice Italian place. Sausage, fettucini, veal - gotta love them dead baby cows. Heavenly dessert, free drinks, and an early end to the day. Not to mention, a nice sweatshirt-material blanket with our logo that I'm bundled under now. Can't beat that.

Tomorrow promises to be an interesting day. I am meeting with my old boss to discuss my work capacity. He knows I've had a lighter load than projected in this rotational position, and feels his area is going to get slammed with work shortly. Remember, I'm just on loan now from my old area; if my old boss 'needs' me back, I have to go.

I don't want to go. I like what I'm learning and doing now. I was tired and burned out on my old responsibilities. But the bottom line is, he's the boss, I'm his resource, and I don't have much say.

In addition to that, he and I will be discussing Stupid Rude Girl. Remember her? She's my old coworker who used to have daily cries in her cube and is almost thoroughly incompetent. S and E have been making noise lately to my old boss to get him to address his employee's performance, but he thinks they're just out for blood. I have three clear, recent examples of how she's been an idiot lately, so hopefully that will help him grasp the situation.

I'm also seeing BBB tomorrow for the first time in almost a month. His birthday is this week, so I'm treating him to lunch.

Other than that, it's business as usual.

Irony

2005-12-12T20:54:00.000-06:00

In the fall of 1992, my family drove from the middle of NoDak to the middle of SE Wisconsin to drop my sister at college. We had only been in NoDak for a few months then: mom was depressed, I was depressed and lonely, my sister was anxious and nervous and worried, and dad...well, I assume he was stressed.

We ate some meal at the cafeteria of my sister's college. Mom asked me some potentially insightful question about whether I thought I'd like to go to college someplace like that, or what I thought I'd want to study in school, or something similar. I spat out an angry response - probably "How the hell should I know?" or something equally nonresponsive and bitter.

Immediately after, I felt guilty. She was trying; why did I always have to be such a bitch? In an attempt to atone for my rudeness, I asked dad what he was thinking.

"I was thinking that this family doesn't really communicate."

He was right. We didn't then and we don't now. More than once in Turkey, I threw out an opinion or comment or response to something dad said. Something that could have turned into a discussion, had I not been told I was wrong for saying what I said, or thinking it, or whatever.

I hold a lot inside as a result of having no one around to spill it to. I hold a lot inside because I don't know that other people need to know certain things. And because I'm not vain enough to think my opinions or thoughts always matter, and because I don't want to have to defend myself, and because I don't want to share something that gives someone power over me.

But now, I also hold things inside because it apparently doesn't matter.

The irony is that I was a Communication major in college, and it's always noted as one of my strengths. Guess I've got some people fooled.

Tastes of Turkey

2005-12-12T07:38:00.000-06:00

Elma cayi (except when writing, the i is without a dot - there are two different "i"'s in Turkish) (say elma chiy) is apple tea. It tastes like warm apple cider, which I never drink here, but I may have to start.

Sahlep is a warm, milky drink made from the ground tubers of wild orchids. No shit! It's got cinnamon on top, usually, and is only served in winter. MMM.

Doner (I don't know how to do umluts (is that even spelled right?)) means 'spinning' or turning and is usually a meat sandwich. Good French bread, some lettuce/carrot mixture, and meat carved fresh off the spit, usually lamb or chicken. You know what I'm talking about, right? The big vertical hunk o' meat, spinning in front of a closed fire? Yum.

Gozleme, which is a cheese or potato like crepe, served hot. Nummy.

Manti is a mini-ravioli dish served with a cold yogurty sauce. Not my fave.

Iskender is a pita covered in meat cooked in a tomato-y sauce, topped with butter, and served with yogurt which is similar to sour cream. That was good, too.

Barack, which I'm probably not spelling right, which is like phylo dough cooked around cheese.

Raki, which is a licorice-flavored liquor. You cut it with water, usually, which turns it milky and detracts from the look of it, but it doesn't taste bad - just strong.

Simit, which is sold by street vendors, and is like a dry bread covered in sesame seeds.

Leblebbies, which again I'm probably misspelling, but I'm not getting up to look it up. Those are roasted chickpeas, which I actually liked.

Kufte, meatballs.

Baklava, which I trust you all know and love.

Not What You'd Expect

2005-12-11T18:08:00.000-06:00

I'm back.

I'm also sick and have been for the past five days - headache, some chills, horrible hacking cough, sniffles.

I'm also tired - I've been up since 5:30 this morning Istanbul time, which is 8 hours ahead, so I think that means I've been up since about 10pm last night. For some reason, me - the champion sleeper - couldn't sleep a lick on the plane.

I'm also hungry - pizza's been ordered and is on its way.

I'm also clean - intercontinental grime has been washed away.

I'm also sad.

Traveling with my dad was really, really hard on me. He's getting old, folks, and I couldn't ignore that this trip, though I desperately wanted to. I've always been daddy's girl, and I found that I don't necessarily like some things about him. Worse, I felt he didn't like some things about me, either. I know. It's natural. I should be grateful it took us this long to figure it out.

Whoops, pizza just got here.

Then, I check in on some of you, and there's a lot of sadness out there, isn't there? I wish there weren't.

Sorry, must stop now.

Hello from Goereme

2005-12-09T03:45:00.000-06:00

Hello all. İ trust all our well and hopefully İ won' hit too many wrong keys on this Turkish keyboard! So far İ've been enjoying myself a lot. Dad is a bıt (read, VERY) hard for me to deal with, but that was to be expected. My brother-ın-law, however, is fantastic and a real help. We have seen quite a bit - yesterday we saw fairy chimneys and a secret city and went on a hike (that actually used rope to rappell down one pıece of ıt - no, they didn't tell us that beforehand!). The food is great and hopefully İ'll have great pictures to show you.

We are heading to Konya today via bus and spending just a few hours there. We'll get on an overnight train tonight and arrive back ın Istanbul tomorrow mornıng for our last day. I am debatıng buyıng a rug - they are GORGEOUS! - and have picked up a little bit of vocabulary from BİL. Ask me what camel, fly, city, friday, apple tea (yum!), and a dozen other useless words are, and İ'll know them!

E-Lo & baby were ın my dream last night - looking forward to catching up with all of you in a few days.

ktP

You Know the Drill

2005-11-30T10:39:00.000-06:00

Okay kids, this is it. I'm leaving work in about 2 hours so I can leave for Turkey in about 6 hours. My BIL is driving down to my place, getting here around 1:30ish. We'll cab it to the airport together (have I mentioned how much I LOVE living close to a major airport?) and meet dad there.

The plan is a few days in Istanbul, then a day in Pamukkale (Pa-mook-a-lay - it's fun to say), then on to Selcuk/Ephesus. From there, we go to Izmir, Ankara, and Konya. After that, we go back to Istanbul for a day/night and fly out early the morning of the 11th.

You can tell I didn't plan this trip, since there's an actual itiniarary this time around!

I'll check in when I can, but ya'll behave yourselves and play nice. I'll come back with pictures and stories for those who have been good little kidlets.

UGH

2005-11-29T23:08:00.000-06:00

Ever 'meet' someone online - hell, maybe even a blogger - and you IM and get to know the person, and pretty soon you're bored out of your mind, and they keep IM'ng and IM'ng and emailing and you're sitting there wishing they would finish their fucking thought and you're chanting to yourself "god you're dull god you're dull god you're dull" over and over again and they keep interrupting what you're trying to do with their god-awful IMs?

Leave me the fuck alone already!!!

2005-11-27T20:45:00.000-06:00

Someone mentioned to me that I've been quiet lately. I have been, for good reason. I've been biting my tongue a lot lately, both literally and figuratively. I've been feeling really mean lately and have had to restrain myself from calling numerous people out on their stupid, unthinking, asinine behavior. Be stupid if you want, we all are (reference the last post for my own example). But jesus, folks, try to limit the unnecessary public stupidness.

During lunch with R last week, he told me a little story. He was at a gas station once, waiting to pay for his purchase, while the cashier used the work phone for what was very obviously a personal call. R waited a few minutes, in plain sight of the cashier, then reached over, hung the phone up, called the cashier out on his crappy customer service, and left.

I would never do that. I would want to do that, but instead, I'd be passive-aggressive: tapping my fingers, sighing loudly, shooting poisonous looks at the cashier. I may finally say something rude, but not to the extent that R did.

It's the same type of situation now. While some people may (rightfully) call others out on their STUPID, JACKASS behavior, I will sit and seethe silently. I will curse you upside and down, but you'll never hear a word of it.

I would like to change that part of me. I would like to stand up for myself during times of others rude, incomprehensible behavior. Doesn't mean I have to be a bitch about it, but if it happens, it won't be the worst thing ever.

Hallelujah

2005-11-25T17:32:00.000-06:00

This is the first Thanksgiving in FOUR years that I haven't had homework to do (or feel guilty about not doing).

Thanks be!

Humble Pie

2005-11-23T09:42:00.000-06:00

Without fail, as soon as you get comfortable in a space and start feeling secure and capable, something comes along to knock you down a peg or two.

Luckily, my faux pas was insignificant and impacts only me, but I had to go to someone I find very incompetent for help. It's the embarrassment more than the error.

Still, a good lesson to remember.

More Shop Talk

2005-11-21T17:45:00.000-06:00

Subtitled: An Intro to KtP's Psyche

There's a reason I called myself a loser in the last post and then proceeded to say things are going well for me at work.

I'm a little embarrassed to be so interested in doing well at work.* Yes, my job pays my bills and without it I'd be oh-so-screwed. Yes, there are other jobs. However, this one gives me challenging and interesting work, new opportunities, ample pay, and damn good benefits. I'm kind of intent on keeping it.

None of that's unusual, I don't think. But I do find it unusual for someone my age to be this vested in a job.

Maybe I've just lucked out; while a select few of my friends have the same type of job (type referring to the four items mentioned above), there are quite a few more who have shit jobs in every sense of the word. I had a shit job before this, and while I tried to do well there, I also didn't give a shit or seek out opportunities as much as I do in my current role. I just didn't give a damn about the prior company, employees, or business, and I felt that feeling was returned to me. Which came first? Not sure it matters.

Yes, climbing the ladder involves political game-playing. I don't know that I'm any good at playing that game, but I do acknowledge it exists and would be the first to admit that it's helped get me to my current rung. Since I already have to play the game, to a degree, why not continue?

And in a somewhat (un)related note, BBB fucked up today. BIG time. He made a really, really, REALLY stupid mistake. STUPID mistake. BIG mistake. It led to a very unhappy business person, and though the fix was pushed through so the impact will only be for 24hours, it still was an unhappy time today.

Though, I suppose the plus side is that BBB will never make that stupid mistake again.

*This is different than doing a good job at work. That I do too, but the initial statement is about 'doing well' as in 'moving up.'

I'm a Loser, Baby

2005-11-17T18:48:00.000-06:00

Proof:

1. Last month, my graduate school had a Q&A with Jack Welch, former CEO of GE. He was promoting his new book, Winning, and was travelling to business schools across the country to plug it.

Well, I wasn't able to go to that because I lost the lottery, but I did take time out of the workday this Tuesday to go watch the taping of it.

Wow. Jack seems like such an interesting guy. He got very passionate about a few answers, has a sense of humor, and appeared very candid. I really enjoyed seeing the tape, and

2. I ran to the library that night to check out the book. All copies were checked out, so I reserved the first available.

3. I got one of those 'copy the email, answer the questions, and send to your friends get-to-know-me' emails tonight. Question #7 asked what book you were reading. The gf who sent it to me asked if Glamour counted. I, of course, am reading 'Cult of Power,' about sexual discrimination in corporate America.

4. I was 'nominated' (what that exactly means, I'm not sure) to take part in a new program at work. The program is about developing high-potential employees, cross-training them, possible business travel, and other opportunities. The program is only open to 50 people. I'm strangely excited. I still have to apply and get accepted, but I'm intrigued.

Life as a Corporate Whore

2005-11-16T11:10:00.000-06:00

The title of the blog may be 'Corporate Peon,' but I sold myself to the man (and he is an aging white man at that) years ago. And you know what? I like my shiny new car. I like my pretty new shoes. I like my new red couches and all the little microfibers that make them up. I like being able to travel to random countries 'just because.' Right now, I have no problems with my deal with the devil, for he's been a benevolent owner of my soul.

Life in CubeLand is going fairly well these days. The new job is familiar now and - though still slower than I'd like - still providing me chances to learn. I have my fingers in multiple pots, which is how I like it. Even when I was doing project management from the system side, I still had an idea of what other people were working on and of what projects were happening around me. Most teams, you'd think, have this global knowledge - awareness of what the guy across the aisle from you is working on - but because project management in our shop is so...I don't know the word...focused? streamlined? - there's not a lot of that outside awareness going on. I, however, am usually one who bosses share info with, not necessarily about coworkers, but about projects or battles taking place. Then, too, I have a few contacts who keep me posted.

Speaking of contacts, coworker/friend E is leaving her current role. I have mixed feelings about that. She's good in her role, and helps me quite a bit, both in learning my new role and in putting my name out there for future opportunities, but on the other hand, she can also be condescending, patronizing, and outright rude. It's time for her to move on though, and I know she'll keep looking out for me in her new position.

E's replacement is the Russian dude who's friends with BBB. Russian will do well in his new role, and will sit right next to me. We'll learn a lot from each other - our strengths are not necessarily the other's weakness, but we'll complement each other well. He is, however, a bit of a chatty cathy, and as I found at lunch yesterday, he shares quite a bit of personal information. I don't mind hearing it, but it makes me feel as if I should share as well - and I don't want to. He also thinks BBB should leave his gf and date me, but that's an entirely different story.

My 'dotted-line' boss, S, is a woman I really like. We have the same work ethic and sense of humor, and she's giving me a lot of opportunities here.

I had a good conversation with my mentee yesterday, New Girl. She's doing well but feels she isn't, and there are a few areas she can improve in. I was nervous going into the conversation, because I wasn't sure how sensitive she would be, but it went really well and was a good dialogue. I need her to cut the cord a bit with me; she's relying on me too much, and I've been enabling that, but we're both going to work on that.

One coworker told me yesterday that she has told her bosses if they don't promote her at review time (Feb/March), then she's posting for a new job elsewhere. I have so many issues with that mentality. First of all, we're not particularly close, so why tell me that? That's just her personality, though - I know more than I need (or want) to know about her fertility treatments. Secondly, where does that attitude come from? Yes, sometimes you have to play hard ball to get more money or to get ahead. But if you're pulling that line, you better be able to back it up with concrete examples of why you deserve that promotion, and you better be ready to call their bluff if they don't. I have no doubts that she will post out if she doesn't get what she wants...and I have plenty of doubts that she's done the work deserving of a promotion.

And that's a wrap, folks. Have a good one!

Definite Case of the Mondays

2005-11-14T14:39:00.000-06:00

My home, it is a pigsty, a direct result of laziness.

My eyes, they are tired, a direct result of early-morning insomnia.

My library book, it is now overdue, but it is also finished, a direct result of early-morning insomnia.

My make-up, it is non-existent, a direct result of waking up REALLY late, which is a direct result of early-morning insomnia.

My sister, she is crabby with me, and I with her, and have the emails to prove it, and is at least a partial result of tired eyes, waking up late, and early-morning insomnia.

My head, it is a-pounding, a direct result of sisterly fighting and early-morning insomnia and the afflictions that causes.

Schizo

2005-11-10T14:05:00.000-06:00

There's someone I really, really, really hate. I might be oddly and perhaps a little disturbingly intrigued by them, but they still make my skin crawl with their incessant blah blah blah. It's like, the expectation is that people care about their farm animals and their sex and their boring, boring lives.

And even as I write them a hate-note, never to be sent, I wonder if I hate them only because I see parts of me in them. Which, you know, makes sense, as they're big enough to have eaten me, and not in a good way.

Out of the Mouths of Babes...

2005-11-09T10:25:00.000-06:00

Yesterday, I received an email from a friend. Let's call her Amy. Amy told me, among other things, that her very young daughter had asked - while at the dinner table - if she, Amy, had ever seen a vagina kissing a penis.

Oh, dear.

That right there is why I'd never be a good parent. I'd either stammer and lie and say "Of course not! Where did you hear of such a thing!" or I'd stammer and say, "Well, yes, I have, but you're too young to know about that." Either way, I'd confuse the kid, probably lie, and in general, not handle things well.

Amy's answer was pretty good, I thought - actually, very good. She told her daughter that it's inappropriate to talk about any body parts that are underneath clothes at the dinner table or out in public, but if she had any questions she could ask Amy when they were private.

Great answer, right?

Well, of course, I couldn't leave it at that. I IM'd Amy last night that I had a quick question for her. When she responded, I asked (you know where this is going) if she had ever seen a vagina kissing a penis. She laughed, and then said she had. Amy turned the tables, though, asking me if I had ever seen that.

KtP" "Well...I'm not sure it was a kiss. It really was like more of a peck."

Amy: "I swear I saw one full on frenching."

KtP: "Ewwwww! Only once, though, right?"

Amy: "At least once!"

That ho. No wonder her toddler daughter is asking these questions!

From Zero....

2005-11-07T12:13:00.000-06:00

to 60...

2006 Hyundai Tiburon.

Mine, all mine (well, and a little bit of the bank's) as of Friday night.

Regrets, I've Had a Few

2005-11-04T10:08:00.000-06:00

Ever regret certain things, certain acts you've done, certain situations you've taken part in? Not because they didn't end well, or not because they caused drama at the time, or not for any of the 'normal' reasons one might regret something, but because then you and the someone else involved (or multiple someone elses, depending on the circumstance) are then linked together for all time.

Sometimes, that bothers me. I'd like to undo certain things to break that chain. I'd like to erase the tie that binds.

And maybe you're okay with how things actually ended, or with how the scene unfolded, but it still irks you that whenever you think of that experience, you're forced to think of everyone else who was there.

It's like spending a whole lot of time together and getting to know someone knew and really really clicking only...........to find that once you really get to know them...once you really get under their surface...they're not a very nice person. Maybe they're prejudiced. Maybe they're not clueless in an endearing way, but they're really just plain stupid. Maybe they're full of themselves and selfish and nosy and gossipy, and that all became apparent and now, now you've lost what you thought was going to be, could have been, a great new friendship. And even if it wasn't going to be a great friendship, it can still be a shock to find out that someone you initially liked and thought could be a supporter, a new friend in your corner, can turn out to be such a backstabbing, selfish bitch.

I also regret conceding things I really don't want to concede. I do this less now than when I was younger; it helps that I know pretty well who I am and what I will and won't tolerate. I can't be with someone who can't follow basic rules of punctuation and grammar. While I'm not perfect, I'd like someone who knows when to use an adverb and when to use an article and, frankly, when to spell both. I've dated guys before who can't do this, thinking "Oh, but he's so smart, and no one's perfect, and maybe he's just tired," and you know what? I shouldn't have to concede on what's important to me. I feel stupid when I do, for things never work out, and then I feel I shouldn't have taken them as far as I did in the first place.

And I also regret taking people at their word. When someone tells me, "Hey, btw, we won't be able to have all the info you need at the meeting you scheduled for three weeks from now, because we have exams to worry about, but we should have something," I believe him. Except, of course, when he comes to me on the day of the meeting and says they have NOTHING done at all.

Picture This

2005-11-02T10:14:00.000-06:00

First on the list, two of my new shoes. Obviously not to be worn together:

Second, my new necklace!

You can't see the gold beading between the big glass beads that well, or the other beads that make up the rest of the strand, but trust me - it's very pretty.

Last, but not least, the Peon's living room:

Hopefully you realize that the one couch is in both pics; that's the loveseat under the window. The end tables were made by dad, against my protestations, but they are exactly what I wanted - black wood with glass. I believe a coffee table is being made by Santa's elves for Christmas. The matching lamps were a Christmas present last year from my sister; both with red shades. I definitely can't add anything else red into the room.

As you can see, I need something above the couch. I think a black-framed mirror - long - would add some depth and make the room look bigger, but I can't find one I like enough to actually pay for.

Directly at the end of the loveseat (and thus across from the couch) is my sad entertainment center:

Notice the very big lean from the right, and the bowing in the middle? That's what you get when you use an IKEA bookshelf for eight years. However, please feel free to ogle the I-heart-the-80s stereo system. Yes, that's a dual cassette with a record player. And yes, that's '7th Heaven' on the television.

I Think I've Been Here Before

2005-11-01T18:47:00.000-06:00

A play. By Kate the Peon

Characters: Kate the Peon, a perfect speciman of both employee and female; Sister, a loveable but selfish blight on humanity.

Background: Sister has been engaged in house-buying negotiations. She and owners of the desired house have been back-and-forth twice over before stalemating. Recently, negotiations picked back up.

Sister learned this very same morning that her final offer on her dream house had been accepted.

Kate the Peon and Sister's parents are on a road trip to the East coast.

Setting: CubeLand at 5pm. The Peon sits, typing furiously at her keyboard, pen between her teeth. Not many others are around.

Ring, ring

KtP: (Looking at caller id; recognizes the number) Hi, what's up?
Sister: (cheerful, almost perky) Nothing, just calling to see how you're doing.
KtP: Fine, you? (continuing to type)
Sister: Good. Just on my way home.
KtP: That's good.
Sister: You're at work late today. Do they finally have work for you to do?
KtP: Well...sorta, yeah (jotting notes down)
Sister: You should get a new job.
KtP: Um. I have one.
Sister: No, a new one.
KtP: (mocking) No, this is new. As of September 1st.
Sister: No, you have a new role. You need a new job. Have you heard any more from mom and dad?
KtP: No, not since they emailed that they're in New York.
Sister: Yeah, me either. It's weird, having this big exciting news and not having them around to talk to about it.
KtP: (hesitantly) Um...okay.
Sister: What will I do when they die?
KtP: I have to go.

Finis

Mini Mondays

2005-10-31T10:42:00.000-06:00

How can you watch 'I Love the 80s' (any episode) and not have a crush on Hal Sparks? I loved him on 'Queer as Folk,' more so when I found out he's a straight actor playing a gay man, and his sense of humor on VH1 continues to crack me up.

I turned the corner in my apartment's parking lot today and saw a bloddy mummy walking the dog. Crazy kids...

There will be some changes soon at work that, while they don't directly impact me, should have a good indirect impact on me. Coming soon...

I held the elevator this morning for a guy on my floor. He was the stereotypical nerd - pants too short, hair too gelled, eyes too beady. However, there is a girl I keep running into who seems fun. I complimented her on her purse, then the next day she on mine, and we talked shoes for a minute. Next time I see her I'm so introducing myself and making a friend.

I returned three things to TJ MAXX yesterday - two with receipts, one without. The manager had to approve the return of the receipt-less item; apparently, they all go into the system now (name, address, license number, etc) and if you have too many receipt-less returns, they'll stop accepting them from you. I felt like a total criminal when the manager was explaining it to me.

I've been drooling lately over the idea of having my own house. I have tentatively said I want that to become reality by my 30th birthday, but that's only b/c I think 30 is too old to rent, unless you're in, like NYC where houses don't exactly come cheaply. They don't here, either, but once I get my big equity adjustment I'll so be able to afford it. Ah, I slay me...And yes, I could probably afford it now if I stopped travelling, buying shoes, and bought a used car rather than new...but I don't want to do that. Yes I want it all, is that so wrong?!?!

I may be finishing the roll of film in my camera tonight so I can then take the camera in to be looked at. I'm pretty sure some sand got inside during my trip to Costa Rica, and I'd kind of like that remedied, before Turkey, if possible.

BBB has been saying semi-suggestive things lately that I completely shoot down:

KtP: Morning, how are you?
BBB: Better now that I'm talking to you
KtP: Does that line actually work on intelligent females? or
KtP: Um...ick or
KtP: Oh my god, seriously? or
KtP: Jesus christ, what do you want?

I'm not mean when I respond, but he's got to learn that you don't flirt with the Peon, turn her down, date your ex-gf, and still try to have a flirty relationship with the Peon. It's just not gonna happen.

Today's on its way to being another boring, slow day here in CubeLand. Have a good one, folks!

Shut Your Cake Hole!

2005-10-28T14:49:00.000-05:00

Once upon a time, KtP went to the Green County Cheese Days with her sister, BIL, and sister's friend. Much cheese was edam (too much of a stretch?), much sunshine soaked up, and many mini-cheesecakes on a stick eatin (but not by me, cuz cheesecake is just a plain waste of cheese. And cake.). I chose to gorge myself on the fried cheese curds and free samples. Oh, and beer.

On the way home, we drove through the Willy Street Festival, which is a little neighborhood summertime fest near my sister's casa. It looked like many frattish-type boys were enjoying the day and the fest and the people mingling that takes place at such events. Oh, and the beer.

Walking on the sidewalk on my side of the street was a man, lurching in what suggested was a rather drunkenly manner. On his head was a colorful balloon hat. As we were slightly behind him, all we could see was his lurch and his purty hat.

As we pulled up parallel to him, I yelled out, "Whooo hoooo! Nice freakin' hat, buddy!" or something equally lame and semi-insulting and completely juvenile.

And as we drove past the man, we all realized that he wasn't a drunken frat boy. Oh, no. Rather, he was a mentally and physically challenged man (is that the PC term?), probably on his way home from a nice day at the fair, with a nice new hat to show off.

Neither sister, BIL, nor sister's friend have let me live that down, and nor should you.

It's Friday...

2005-10-28T11:51:00.000-05:00

...and I ain't got shit to do!

No meetings today. Only one or two things to follow-up on. I have, of course, been using my downtime wisely.

Looking at houses online. Looking at shoe storage online (I'm not enamored with any I've found, but I do love the idea. Must...keep...looking). Looking into what I'd like to see/do in Turkey. Looking at entertainment centers online (this, much like the car search, is taking me forever. I finally found a center that I liked, could afford, and would work, only to then read the fine print and realize it's 4' tall. Nuh-uh, not gonna work.)

Oh, and I've been admiring my new shoes. They're black and silver mules with a little black bow and they're adorable, though despite my searching, no pictures could be found. My friend at work, E, loathes them, but then she's wearing, like, Eastlands, so how can her opinion really count?

I've decided I like little bows on my shoes. Each of yesterday's three new pairs has one. One of the new pairs from Sunday (the leopard print pair, rrrr!) has one.

Oh, and remember those glass beads I made earlier in the month? I had NO idea what to do with them, so I did what anyone else would do - shipped them off to Nanner and had her string them for me.

And oh. my. GODDESS!!!! It is SUCH a beautiful necklace! Seriously awed, folks. Perfect length, style, weight...it rocks. As does she.

Perhaps I'll take actual pictures this weekend for your viewing pleasure.

Have a good one, kids!

2005-10-27T16:32:00.000-05:00

Much like the Chicago-area television news programs, the (majority) of the Chicago-area morning radio shows suck. You've got Billy* and Hobo*, two rapidly aging white men who run the hip-hop station's morning show. They're in their 40s, I'm guessing, and hold contests looking for Chicago's Hottest High School Cheerleader! and have this annoying 'love connection' segment where Marge McDouche** tries to suss out the caller's love interest's true feelings.

They're not even crude enough to be funny. But you can hear all the 50 Cent you want, all day long! Actually, the new (and seemingly only) song on repeat now is "Golddigger." I'd like to say that's because Kanye is from Chicago and they're supporting local talent...but I know better.

Next there's the 'mainstream pop' radio station. They used to have a great morning DJ, Valentine. Now, however, they have Dull*** & Duller.*** Dull is one of the most flaming-sounding men ever. Whether he's actually gay or not, I don't care, but it doesn't make for a smooth listening experience. His cohort, Duller, is an abrasive, crude woman with a booming voice. She sounds more manly than he does. Their segments usually consist of bathroom humor, picking on each other, and arguing amongst themselves.

Every morning, I wish for my new car with it's six-disc in-dash CD changer. Every morning, I'm thankful for my short commute.

At any rate, one of the stations this morning was having callers discuss whether they liked their breasts or not. One woman caller said before her breast reduction, she was a 34DDD.

I've always said that I'd like to be that about size for, like, a weekend. Yes, I know it would cause back pain over time. Yes, I know it would be hard to find bras/shirts/dresses/bathing suits that fit. Yes, I know that guys would talk to them rather than to my face.

I still think the attention would be fun for a day or two. I slut out my pathetic-by-comparison size Ds often enough, it'd be fun to have some REAL meat to play with.

* Names have been changed to protect the boring, annoying, and too-old-for-their-demographics DJs
** Unfortunately, that is the actual name of the 'woman' (who's actually one of the DJs using a stupid voice)
*** Names have been changed to protect the boring, annoying, and unfunny

2005-10-27T14:26:00.000-05:00

It never even occurred to you that you might be part of the problem. It never even crossed your little mind.

I'm not offended by that; instead, I'm ashamed of your ego.

You may think you're innocent, but I know better.

Lesson learned.

2005-10-26T13:01:00.000-05:00

So far today...which I misspelled at first, so it read 'so fart oday,' which is funny only because the conversation on the way back from lunch involved farting dogs, kids, and in-laws (as in, farting kids and farting in-laws. Was that clear?).

Yes, so. Where was I.

So far today...I got in just shy of 9:30. I spent at least 30 minutes talking with coworker/friend E and coworker/boss-with-a-dotted-line S. We basically traded gossip, talked about other people, and were very very silly.

I scheduled one meeting for next Wednesday.

I've sent 16 emails, four of which were to BBB, one of which was to my dad.

I left my homemade lunch in the drawer and went out to Subway and CostCo for an hour-and-a-half.

I've checked all of your blogs at least twice.

I spent another 15 minutes talking with E about some changes that might impact me, and how I can shine through them.

So, let's see. It's now 1pm. I've been at the office for 3.5 hours. 1.5 of that time was lunch; at least .5 of the remaining time was social.

Yawn. Is it nap time yet?

2005-10-25T22:25:00.000-05:00

You don't understand. You don't understand. You just don't understand.

That's all that keeps going through my head. I don't even feel I have the energy to explain it to you. Partially because I don't feel I can, partially because I don't feel you want me to. Partially because it's so fucking stupid that it doesn't bear explaining.

And partially because it just really doesn't matter anymore.

I mean, sure, it does to me, obviously. But I'm not sure it should.

Tomorrow marks six months, and I still can't let a day go by without thinking of it. What I hate perhaps more than the daily reminders is the presumed fact that you don't have them.

Flip the Switch

2005-10-25T18:47:00.000-05:00

It's like someone flipped my inner toggle and now I'm back to the depressed, angry, cryptic girl I was a few months ago. I don't know why or when, but there's definitely been a shift in my attitude during the past week. I'm lethargic; I'm lazy; I lack motivation to clean, cook, put things away, run... I always read in bed before turning out the light; last night, I had about 3 pages left in the magazine but found myself dropping it from sheer exhaustion.

I was cooking dinner naked (tmi?) last night and set the smoke detector off. I couldn't for the life of me get the damn thing to stop squawking; it went on for so long I pulled my bathrobe on, afraid my maintenance guy-neighbor would come knocking. I pulled the battery out and like the episode of Friends I watched yesterday (how prophetic), the damn thing kept beeping at me. I was near tears. There's no reason to be as upset as I was.

I'm fighting it as best I can: tonight I'll be listening to music while I cook and bake.

I don't know if it's because the weather has suddenly turned cold; I don't know if it's because I'm mentally unstimulated for 8 hours at work; I don't know if it's because just because I cycle through periods of depression, and oh look! it's time for another one.

I don't know the reasons behind it, but it sucks.

Blogging Battleground

2005-10-24T22:11:00.000-05:00

How it happened, I don't know. The whens and whys of it are just as questionable. But at some point, I joined a community of bloggers. And sometimes, I regret it.

These people come out of nowhere and they start to get to know you because you post extremely personal things and you start to feel as if they're friends, people you can trust, people who want what's best for you.

And sure, maybe they do. Maybe they'll ship you $20 when life gets hard or send you a card when your man dumps you. Or maybe they're just voyeurs and are enjoying themselves with your life, but are really only in it for themselves.

And really, why shouldn't they be? Why shouldn't they pick sides - their chosen side being themselves, of course. Who doesn't put themselves over others? No matter how much I might like you, I'm still going after my own interests first. That might be your man, your job, or your new shirt, but I can have the best weekend ever with you and still come home to look out for #1.

I might want to stay in touch and I might still care, but if you piss me off I'm still going to want to write about you, and I'll regret that I don't have that option anymore.

And you still only know as much about me as I let you.

Cheese & Whine (without the cheese)

2005-10-24T15:52:00.000-05:00

There is a big lull in my workload. I talked to the woman I'm reporting up to now (a dotted-line relationship...how corporate-speak is that?) on Thursday. She knows there is a lull and unfortunately, can't do much about it now. I told her that I will come in at 9 and leave at 4 and not feel guilty about that, and she was fine with it. I'm still fighting pangs of guilt, though I know that's silly. I'm doing the work I have, there's just not much of it.

I would much rather be too busy than not busy enough.

So I've spent all day today reading your sites (sorry about the multiple hits, stat freaks), reading Tripso.com archives, and wishing I had brought all my fun new recipes from Cooking Light into work so I could make my ingredient list and go grocery shopping after work.

Not to mention, I've been thinking and writing, which is never a good combination. Yes, the Peon is a little depressed these days. I'm disappointed that I can't seem to talk to or be understood by my sister; I'm disappointed that a good friend had her daughter's first bday party this weekend and there's no way I can be a part of that (b/c of distance); I'm disappointed about my car; I'm disappointed that I was stood up and that I'm even attempting online dating AGAIN and that I even feel I have to go that route; I'm disappointed that things that happened so long ago still have such an impact on me; I'm disappointed that when my sister asked me who I was hanging out with these days I had to say "um...no one" and that she actually asked the question when she knows what my life is like and then I feel she's all pity-y towards me.

Basically, I'm having a pity party of my own. Good thing it's almost time for me to go home.

Twisted Sister

2005-10-24T13:00:00.000-05:00

This weekend was spent at my sister's in Madison, where much shopping was done (a skirt, 2 pair shoes, two tops, a necklace, a scarf, tights, nylons, and a not-slobby sweat pant outfit). And as almost always when I spend time with my sister, I walk away extremely frustrated and misunderstood.

We constantly make the mistake of misinterpreting everything the other does or says. She told me I should get a travel pillow, or ear plugs, or a sleep mask for Turkey. I said no. What I should have said was that I've travelled enough to know that I don't need those items, rather than just saying 'no' in that "bitch tone you always use." I thought just saying no would convey that.

I told her of the friend who's getting divorced because her husband cheated on her. Per the wife, there were signs even when they were dating and they shouldn't have ever gotten married; I told my sister that I didn't know why, then, they did. That was judgemental of me and harsh.

She asked about BBB; I said he was dating his ex, even though he had told me he wasn't in the right 'place' for a relationship. When I said I would have rather he be upfront as opposed to apparently lie, that was because I don't know how hard it can be or what was really going on.

I refused to see the house they've made an offer on. Their offer was countered, which they then countered, which was then refused. However, it seems the owners may provide a new offer, thus reopening negotations. I don't see the point in viewing a house that they may not ever live in. "Wow, this is a great house. I can totally see you in it. Sorry there's nothing I can do to help you actually LIVE here." Yes, I could have seen it to appease her, but I feel I'm always giving in.

We went out to dinner Friday after my torturous drive there; after dinner, we stopped by a friend's birthday party at a bar. She felt she 'had' to go, but "just for one drink." One pitcher, rather. I'm not comfortable around the vast majority of her friends: I'm a capitalist corporate whore who has no personal life to speak of. They're all do-gooders and environmentalists and on political committees and interested in things I know nothing of. Which isn't anyone's fault, just a fact. I feel stupid around them because I can't contribute or necessarily even find their interests interesting.

So then I sit there feeling all fakey and afterwards get reamed by my sister for not being nice. You knew I didn't want to go in the first place; I smiled and made small talk and didn't interrupt or rush you, and that still isn't good enough?

She feels I don't understand her; she's right, but I'm trying. When I asked about one area of her life, she didn't want to talk about it. Well, okay, just don't expect me to understand what I don't know.

It's extremely frustrating and though there's more to say, I don't want to say it right now.

Inner Monologue

2005-10-23T19:57:00.000-05:00

What you said: Not different, just better
What I heard: Much, much better, and only slightly different

She wants to get her master's.
But I have my master's!

She's had bad luck with guys.
Okay, yeah, that I can understand.

She's at the point where she doesn't trust them, where she wants to use them before she gets used.
Yeah, I can definitely identify with that. How nice that she has you to save her from that.

Wait. No, not nice at all. Totally fucks me up, but at least she gets saved, right?

What do you want from me? You want me to ask for help? Fine. I need help. Happy now? No? Yeah, me neither.

When did I become the kind of girl I hate?

Dear _____,

2005-10-20T21:29:00.000-05:00

I know you want to have kids. You've always wanted to be a mom, you've always known you would be. There's no doubt that you'll be a great mother.

I just don't understand why you want to have kids with your husband.

You told me yourself - he thinks breastfeeding is disgusting. He doesn't want a baby, he wants a toddler. He doesn't want you to get fat or to gain weight. He'll be fine with the kid once it's, say, two years old. He's not thrilled with the idea of having something whiny and cry-y and wet around, 24-7.

So do you really think making him a father is such a good idea?

It's true that I've never thought he's good enough for you. But you seem to be happy, and even though your husband is a whiny, juvenile, selfish, anti-social guy, your happiness is my first concern.

I'm sorry that I can't get on board with your pending motherhood. And I hope you forgive me for silently crossing my fingers in hope that he's not allowed to procreate.

Love...

Katey

Stand & Gobble

2005-10-19T22:26:00.000-05:00

I believe I was stood up tonight. Someone better have a damn good excuse.

I'm back in the shitty world of online dating. Ryan, who looks cute from his pic and seems normal, was supposed to meet me for a drink tonight after his class.

Which means I didn't drink after work. And I didn't work out after work. I sat around and looked at porn and watched TV and wasted about 3 hours.

And then, even though 9:30 is later than I wanted, I was at the bar. Waiting.

I think a guy who used to be a very very good friend of mine was there, but I didn't catch his eye on purpose, because I was embarrassed about sitting there alone. If strangers see me, I don't care, but a little embarrassing to explain to an old fling who is now married to an old friend.

I had one beer there and am now on my second of the night.
-----
Turkey is set. November 30th through December 11th, dad, BIL and I will be in Turkey. Yay!

BIL has spent a considerable amount of time in that country and speaks the language; he really has no interest in visiting other places. I'm going because, well, I can. Dad is going because he's retired and bored.

No set itinirary; there probably won't ever be one.
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Update on the car: The original guy is going to call me when he has a 'for sure for sure' date. In November.

I'm not a super happy girl tonight.

Oh My Fucking GOD - Updated

2005-10-19T14:13:00.000-05:00

Finally talked to my salesguy. Very helpful when I do get him online. Said it won't be until November (most likely the first full week, which is 2+ from here) until they get it.

Said there's a dealership about 45 minutes from me that has the exact car but won't trade it to his [salesguy's] dealership. Gave me their number, told me I could pick up the deposit check I had held, since that was never cashed (long story).

I call the new place. Old guy doesn't think they have the car. "What do they call that red? Is it Sunburst Red?" I told him that he works there and I don't know.

I'm now waiting for him to call me back.

Jesus Fucking CHRIST on a STICK.

** Update **

Arnie didn't call back, but some other fuckstick did. Yes, they have the car I want in stock, however, it's a demo with 3000 miles on it.

No. I want a brand fucking new car.

Well, they can order it for me, and try to get it here faster than the original dealership. One could be scheduled for drop-off there tonight! The guy is checking and will get back to me.

I'm so fucking out of my mind LIVID. Is this run-around all because I'm a chick???

Guy from the 'new' dealership called me back. They don't have it, but can order it, and the price he quoted is one grand over what the first dealership quoted me.

I tell him that, said thanks but I'll stick with the first guys, and this new guy is going to keep his eyes open and let me know if they get one and what they can do price-wise, b/c of course he's not the one to actually set the price.

I am going out drinking tonight. Who's in?

Borrrrrrrrrring

2005-10-18T22:46:00.000-05:00

1. I got my hair(s) cut last night. It looks cute. Compliments were received today.

2. I talked to the woman I'm reporting to for the duration of my rotation about my workload today. I'm bored, and that's never a good thing. I have a few projects that aren't any trouble, one project that is going to be NASTY, and then two more that are temporarily on hold, so...load me up! I might get to work on some tangled issues that are really important but b/c they're so fucked up, no one wants them or does anything when they have them. That will be good, to make a difference in that.

3. I spent over two hours doing housework tonight. YUCK! Seven loads of laundry are now hanging up (or in the case of my undies and bras, shoved into a drawer). I apparently have a shitload of clothes. Clean new sheets are on my bed - I splurged and bought 400 thread-count. The dishwasher has been unloaded and loaded again. Kitchen counters and stove were scrubbed, even though I just dirtied the stove later when I made dinner, which was then eaten and the leftovers ready for lunch tomorrow. Whew.

4. Apparently my BIL did such a good sell job that my dad is now going to Turkey with us. I have to admit, I'm a little disappointed. No smoking for me! More importantly, though, I'll feel I have to watch dad. His mental capacity has been on my mind as of late, and he seems to have lost some of his social filters. It's just an element of the trip I didn't want to have to deal with.

Not to mention, I'll have trouble feeling like an adult. I've always been daddy's girl, and I think he'll have trouble letting me be. At the same time that I don't want him to come, I think it will be good for him.

Not to mention, I FUCKING HATE how he tells me what I 'need' to do. "What you need to do is..." when it's either NOTHING I need or WANT to do, or something I've already done. Fucking let me live my life. (Sorry. He's IMing me now and pissing me off.)

5. My fucking car salesman is out on Tuesdays, so no news on that front. I am so not happy but also have too large a filter to really go off on his worthless ass. He'll know I'm unhappy, but he won't feel my full wrath.

6. I have an official new blog crush, and it has nothing to do with the free promo he gave me. Yeah, you know who you are. Let the torridness begin.

It's About that Time

2005-10-18T13:41:00.000-05:00

For those of you keeping track here in CubeLand, it's been 6 months since I've last gone on a trip.

I know what you're thinking: "You nuts, Peon! You went to NoDak in September! I ain't that stupid, sucka!"

And once you get past your initial anger, you'll think "You dumb ho! You also went to Virginia in August! Suck it!"

And just when you start to really wail on me, you'll remember that I went to Costa Rica in April and maybe - just maybe - that's the kind of trip I'm talkin' about.

See, about every six months I start getting anxious. Really bored, listless, fidgety. I start to feel angry again, about everything and nothing. I start to get unhappy with myself and my situation. A quick fix (notice, I didn't say 'cure') is to go somewhere. I start to leaf through travel books at the store; I'm a regular at online travel sites. I start to question where others have gone and area going. And then I buy a ticket of my own.

Plans are shaping up for Turkey in early December. Travelers will include my brother-in-law and myself, and possibly (but god I hope not), my father. Timeframe is 10 days.

More details to come later.

Just Call Me Veruca Salt

2005-10-17T23:26:00.000-05:00

My very first car was a red Sunbird - I think it was a '93. I had some inheritance from my grandmother, so with my approval, dad bought the car for me - without me even seeing it. It was a few weeks shy of college graduation.

It was a great car. No tape deck and no cruise control, though, which made the one trip to NoDak it went on pretty painful. About 2 months after I got that car, a bitch in a minivan ran a red light and totalled it.

All of that lead to the purchase of my current baby, a 94 Saturn. $5000. And over the 6 years that I've had it, I've put at least $2500 into it. I don't even remember all of the things I've had fixed on it, but I do know that I could take it in to any shop today, and pour about $2000 into it. The muffler (that's already been rebuilt once). The transmission. The oil leak. The A/C, tape deck, and passenger door handle that are now display-only.

Still, I love my car. I had always thought I'd be able to put 100,000 miles on it, but I'm 25k short and it's time to say goodbye. Most of my friends rag on my car, some more than others. Of course, those are the same people who live in 2-income families and/or whose father's bought them a new car free and clear, and paid for everything needed on it for the first five years. The Saturn's not really as much of a POS as others make her out to be. She's been mostly dependable, never broken down on me on a trip or on the side of the road. She's made it through hailstorms, snowstorms, and sweltering summers. Almost since I bought her, I've been looking for a replacement, but she's held through for 6 years and some incredibly bad driving. She makes me smile every time I see her.

It's only very recently that I've begun to doubt her. And it's with much growing fear that I impatiently wait for my new ride to arrive.

Yes, folks, after many days and weeks and years of searching and researching and repeating, I have found a car I want. Now that I've made a decision, I. WANT. IT. NOW. It is on its way to me and due mid-October.

Yes, folks, I too agree that it's now past mid-October. Well, there's a slim chance my car will be here today. If not today, it looks like early November, which is completely unacceptable to me and will result in a few hundred bucks being subtracted from the agreed-upon price.

There will be no telling of my new baby's make or model until I actually have it. If I am forced to wait until early November I may very well change my mind and buy something else, and fuck the salesguy I've been working with.