Corporate Peon: Eternal Sunshine of the [Empty] Mind

Sunday, September 12, 2004

Eternal Sunshine of the [Empty] Mind

I wasn't impressed with the movie, but the idea continues to intrigue me. I firmly believe that I am who I am due to where I've been and what I've seen and experienced. That being that, would I get rid of certain memories if I could?

Damn straight I would.

I'm not always happy with who I am. Whether that goes back to certain things I've experienced, or whether that's symbolic of a deeper problem within myself...I don't know. I don't want to know. But I do wish, probably more often than is healthy, that there was a magic time machine, to take me back and allow me to undo or redo certain times in my life. I'd be on that machine like white on rice.

I always feel bad for feeling bad about the things I feel bad about. I've had a really, really good life. Privileged, educated, healthy. I don't have any rapes or beatings locked away in my mind; I don't have any jail time or criminals lurking in my past. But if I could erase the New Orleans 'family vacation' where my mom, sister and I ate crackers in our hotel room because mom & dad got into a screaming match that led to dad going his own way and mom with barely money enough for a stop at Walgreens...I would.

If I could erase the memory of dad cornering my sister in the kitchen, calling her a 'stupid bitch'...I would.

If I could erase the memory of the blind-date who came over, 'left to pick up dinner,' and never came back...I would.

If I could erase the memory of finding out that a sweet freshman sorority sister was killed by a drunk driver...I would.

Problem is, I can't. So I'm stuck being who I am. Things can always be worse.

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