Corporate Peon: Good Samaritan Kate and the Flesh-Eating Spider

Wednesday, September 01, 2004

Good Samaritan Kate and the Flesh-Eating Spider

Warning: This is a really really really really long post!

There I am, driving along, basking in the glow that comes from passing a car's emissions test, talking to BIL on the cellphone, when WHAM! A service van barrels down a driveway and hits a car not too far in front of me.

Having witnessed the accident, I pull over and walk to the car. Two elderly ladies were looking at the damage done.

Kate: Is everyone okay?
Ladies: Yes, yes, we're fine, just shook up.
Kate: I saw what happened; here's my card. Let me know if I can do anything. Make sure you report this to your insurance company.
Ladies: We should really call the cops. It's always best to get a police report.
Kate: Sure, feel free to call the cops.
Kate: Do you have a cellphone? No? Okay, I'll call. Do you know the non-emergency number? No?
(Pause while Kate calls in a non-emergency accident to 911. Corner of Euclid and Vail; tan Impala and white service van.)

Smarmy Guy Driver of White Van: I was just inching down the driveway; they were turning.
Kate: Uh, sir, it looked like you were going rather fast.
Smarmy Guy: No, I waited there for a long time, I was inching.
(Pause while Kate politely rolls her eyes.)

Cop comes, takes down all information. Kate stands to the side with the ladies, trying to politely make small talk. Yes, it is humid today. Yes, this is a nice house. Two poodles, wow, they must be fun. No, you're not keeping me from anything.

All gets sorted out and I go on my merry way.

La-di-da, coming home with groceries, I see a girl moving in, arms full with boxes. I hold the door open for her. Get my mail, and get up to my floor. I see said girl moving in just kitty-korner to me.

Kate: Want a cold soda?
Girl: (Gratefully) Yes!
(Pause while Kate gives Girl a couple sodas, one for now, some to throw in the fridge.)

Cut to the pool. Kate is relaxing on her yellow beach towel, feeling smug that she has completed a good deed AND a random act of kindness today. She can now be a shit for the rest of the month and feel no guilt.

Suddenly...she feels something on her leg. She reaches back to swat offender away, but the pain lingers. She scratches leg to no avail. She turns over, gets up, looks at the leg. There's a red spot on it; slowly, the skin surrounding the redness swells.

Now, I'm not positive it was a spider that got me. It could have just as easily been a hornet, a wasp, a yellowjacket, or any other variety of vicious creature that mother nature created.

Damn that mother nature. Who the fuck does she think she is? That's the last time I do anything nice for anyone else, fucker.

Powered by Blogger