Corporate Peon: Loser, Baby

Thursday, January 27, 2005

Loser, Baby

Strike while the iron is hot, they say. Well, I didn't, and now I think I've lost a game I didn't even realize I was playing. Did I give it my best shot? Maybe not, but I thought I tried, which is more than I can usually say for myself. Was I honest? Yes. Do I feel I represented myself well? Yes. Do I feel the winner won honestly? I'm not sure. Extenuating circumstances can be a bitch.

I'm sad that I lost. I don't necessarily think it's fair. I don't necessarily feel a choice was made as much as a choice wasn't made, which in essence made a choice. I don't like feeling that I could have prevented losing. I don't know if that's true, of course, but I feel it regardless.

I'm not a competitive person. And I don't always put my happiness above others. Some might call that compassion; some might call that being a pussy. I don't call it anything; it's just who I am. Should I change that? I don't think so. Again, I'm not saying that's necessarily true/right,'s what I think.

The prize, in this case, was something I wanted - something I still want - but wasn't sure was right for me. And I'm still not sure, which is why I didn't put up a fuss. If someone else feels that the 'prize' is right for them, and I'm uncertain...I'm not going to stand in their way. Maybe I'm a self-defeatist that way. Maybe I'm a chickenshit. I've lost before because of that reason.

So now I'm sitting here, a loser, with noone to blame but myself.

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