Corporate Peon: Disgruntled I Am

Saturday, May 21, 2005

Disgruntled I Am

I'm...out of sorts. A bit sick, a bit crabby, a lot unfulfilled.

I test drove a Mazda3 last night. I liked it lots. It's not quite as sporty as I like, but I'd add a rear spoiler and that would help. The lava orange color that I like (shut up) isn't available in the M3, so I'd have to get something boring like titanium or green or something.

I don't know if I can swing it, though. My current car is paid for (thanks for the inheritance, grandma), so I haven't had to deal with a car loan. I don't know what I can afford. I mean, I know what I can afford, but I don't know how much I can afford without changing my lifestyle, and I don't want to change my lifestyle. I don't live extravagantly, but I have the freedom to pick up and do shit at the drop of a hat. Maybe I need to move on from that. I mean, really - would it kill me if I could only take one big trip a year? Would it kill me if I had to eat out less? Of course not. I just don't want to.

BBB & I had a covert conversation last night, sitting in the theater, watching the people pile in. "It's not rejection, it's just indifference right now," I was told. It's indifference to everyone in that regard right now. He just feels he needs and wants to get other parts of his life settled first before adding that dimension. I can understand that. But sometimes I ache when I'm with him. I fear I have a hard time being his friend without adding the other shit in, which makes me leery of spending time with him, which is why I never approach him. However, it doesn't explain why I always accept his offer of plans.

What does partially explain that is the chills I get with his leg pressed up next to mine. We basically snuggled last night; his excuse was that he'd rather lean on me than the stranger next to him. I moved away at one point, and he asked if he shouldn't touch me. I said no, that wasn't it, I just felt I was in his space (hell, my thigh was under his), and in response he stretched out on top of me. He is so physically beautiful.

I need to like someone attainable. I need someone attainable to like me.

I had an interesting conversation yesterday with one of my old bosses here. My current team is being moved back to my old division. I don't really care - it's the same job, but part of the deal means I'll have a new boss. Which is good, in that my current boss SUCKS, but bad in that I don't know the new one very well. Anyway, OLD boss and I talked about what I want to do - where I want to go. I'm getting a little burned out of my current role; it's been about 3 years. I've moved up through the levels, though, and while I'm not always enamored with it, I would like to reach the top level before moving on. I may have screwed myself in that respect with this last move - as about 6 of my old teammates got that promotion the last go-round, when I was already over here. I think I for sure would have received it then, but...oh well. This has been good for me in some ways.

I just don't know where I want to go with it. It's nice working for a big company, in that I have a lot of options, but...I don't know what I want. There's good and bad with every position, and right now I'm fairly content. Sigh. I hate this deep-thought kind of shit.

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