Corporate Peon: Indecision

Monday, May 16, 2005


Dear _____,

I think you know how I feel about you, as much I know it myself, of course. I haven't qualified it, but you know feelings exist for you. I think of you often - probably more often than I should - and I always look forward to hearing from you. Your accent (don't deny it!) and that giggle thrill me.

I'm scared, though. I think you know that even without me saying it. To take this one step further is frightening. What if we lose what we have? Perhaps even more frightening - what if we don't? What if we strengthen it? We're both stuck where we are for many reasons - I don't want to find out this could be something except for a small thing called logistics.

I'm lost people from my life this way before. People I've met this same way but been too afraid to pursue. Of course, the flip side is that I've lost people from my life that I HAVE pursued. It's like I'm paralyzed and I don't know which way to turn. Either way I could be risking a lot - and losing a lot. I'm not sure I can handle that. I'm not sure I want to know how this would turn out. I'm in a rut, and this could change that, and while inertia is a powerful force, it can be fought if I want to. And I do want to, but again, it comes back to fear.

It bothers me, that I can't - or perhaps more accurately, haven't - met 'real' people in my area. It bothers me that the people I dig, people I connect with, don't immediately have the potential (options?) that I need. It bothers me that I feel so connected to you - is that 'right?' When it comes down to it...what do I really know about you? You're smart and caring and witty and funny and oh, such a sexual turn-on and hard-working and and that really enough?

I know. Relax, kiddo. Breathe easy. It's not like we're talking marriage here. But I'm scared of finding out there's something there, and I'm scared of finding out there's not, and you need to know that.

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