Corporate Peon: Downers

Thursday, July 14, 2005


I don't feel like anything's working these days. It's strange to be two separate people - one on the outside and another on the inside. I don't know what the fuck I want. Who am I, anyway? How do I decide?

It's as if everything for one part of me is working and nothing for the other part is. I feel I'm trying, and it's so disappointing when nothing comes of it. How do I initiate working cogs and turning wheels? How do I try harder?

I barely got sleep last night b/c of some stupid health issues that kept me squirming, trying to find comfort. I see the doctor Monday and am demanding every test available since their stupid explanation the last 2x is crap and the drugs they gave me the last 2x made not a whit of difference.

Then my sister already got mad at me this morning because she couldn't understand a word I said so after repeating it 2x I yelled it. "You don't have to be so mean to me. The connection is bad, I couldn't hear." You're right, I don't have to be so mean, I'm just a bitch. She tells me she misses me but I don't buy it because if it were true, she should do something about it and she won't.

Then dad annoyed me last night with his IMs - 'you need to do research on blah blah blah.' Oh, thanks, cuz I never thought of that. Guess it's time I started. 'No, I mean price research.' Again, thanks for the valuable tip. He asks why I'm getting upset; because you give me stupid directives like I'm 12 years old. He thinks I'm going to spend too much on a car but honestly, I'd spend more than what he thinks my limit is to get what I want. So there's that disappointment to deal with. Not disappointment, really, just...I don't know.

And mom, don't even get me started. Have I hunted Theology on Tap in my area? Um...what would ever make you think I had? My ever present interest in religion? Do you not know me at all? No. No, you don't.

I'm tired of being alone and I hate that realization. And don't fucking tell me I'll find someone, because you don't know that, now do you? No. No, you don't.

I'm pissy and my day has barely begun.

* Update *

Got settled in at work, reached for my yogurt to find that I brought sour cream. Not yogurt. Fuck.

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