Corporate Peon: The Truth

Monday, January 03, 2005

The Truth

I've been censoring myself quite a bit. I have different sides to me, two that prevail. No, I'm not talking about having an Egyptian Pharoah lurking in my psyche, but I am talking a little of split personalities. I'm often a happy, cheerful, upbeat, humorous person. Sure, I'm more apt to be this way in public, but sometimes I'm that way in private, too.

More often in private, however, I'm sad. I feel like a turtle sometimes, crawling back into my shell to protect myself from what lies outside. I have thoughts that are jumbled, confused, conflicted. I dwell a lot on the 'what ifs' of life, even though that doesn't do me any good. I struggle a lot, fighting against myself, with what my mind tries to convince me of. With what I believe to be true, even though my view may be skewed by events or history or negative self images.

I had originally created a separate, 'secret' blog so that I could purge my thoughts there and keep this blog relatively untainted, but...I'm not going to do that. I am a whole person, both good and bad, happy and mad and sad and frazzled and confused, and you don't get a choice in which side of me you get. I don't get a choice; sometimes I wish I did. I am what I am. Writing has always been cathartic for me, and I will make it continue to be so.

This blog is for me, by me. I post knowing - nay, hoping - that others will read and identify, but I need to more consciously post for myself.

Powered by Blogger