Corporate Peon

Friday, February 18, 2005

I've gotten the distinct feeling from friends before that they're tired of my mood swings. Tired of me feeling down, tired of me saying 'fine' when they ask me how I am.

That always made me crawl further into myself; I was already feeling like crap, and now those closest to me wanted me to snap out of it? If only it were that easy.

When I first read Prozac Nation, I found myself really, really annoyed with Elizabeth. Get on your meds! Quit fucking up! No wonder your friends are leaving you, you're annoying as hell! So I do understand how, well, depressing a depressive can be.

Some people think that anti-depressants are candy from the devil. Nothing can be that bad - it's mind over matter. If whatshisface from 'A Beautiful Mind' can overcome mental issues, why can't everyone? On the other hand, for some people, anti-depressants are literally the difference between life and death, light and dark.

I'm a very different person on meds versus off. When I'm on, I still get down at times, and I still have my nights crying in the dark, but I'm not as rageful, as irritable. When I'm off, I have a fuse so short it may as well not exist. Everything bothers me much more than it should, and that fact makes me work harder to not let things bother me, which is exhausting and compounds the issue.

At any rate, going back to my first sentence...well, you make me feel that way too. Maybe you don't mean to; maybe you do. Maybe (to borrow a phrase) you feel 'tough love' is the way to go. Maybe you think that with all I have, I should be able to snap out of it.

Well, you know what? Sometimes I think that too. And most of the time, that doesn't help. It's like temptation - the more you try to avoid it, the more it comes out to play.

I used a cringe-worthy word before: mental. Makes me think of strait jackets and white padded rooms. Depression is a mental issue.

So, you know what? If you're going to judge, do it elsewhere. Do it to yourself. Look in that mirror. Judge your loved ones and your enemies. Do whatever you need to make yourself feel good. Just do it somewhere else.

We're all stocked up on crazy here.

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