Revelation
It amuses me, that at 4:20, I have a revelation.When I woke up this morning, I woke from a bad dream. In it, my old best friend Heather (who sold me out for my Ex) was being really, really mean to me. She & I email maybe 2x a year now, but her place in my past allows her the power to hurt me easily if she chooses.
At any rate, in my dream, I was reading a notebook of hers in which she was saying really, really hurtful things about me. She was name calling and being derogatory and mocking and malicious. Cruel, with an intent to hurt. And it wasn't just a private notebook, it was something that her friends all saw, read, had access to, which meant they all knew to make fun of me and cut me down.
I don't recall why, or how, I was reading the notebook. But I do know that that dream was a manifest of things I discussed just prior to bed.
1. I talked with someone about reading things that hurt me, and knowing they'll hurt, and knowing it's stupid, and still reading them.
2. I felt very...small and insecure and stomped on when I went to bed. Not because of the conversation, but because...well, because.
3. In the notebook, I was made fun of for my hair, my clothes, my make-up, which makes sense because I was talking to someone else about not being good at hair/make-up.
4. I'm not exactly sure why Heather was the one being so mean to me, other than I'm going back to my hometown next weekend and have thus been thinking a lot about it. Well, and also because, as my letter writer said, it reinforces other stupid shit in my life.
Huh. Well, at least I know what this particular cause was about.
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