Corporate Peon: Understandable

Tuesday, April 19, 2005


Excerpt from an IM conversation with a friend tonight. You'll notice I don't use capitals when IM'ng..

Good thing I was online, or this might not have taken place:

Friend: Your reality is that you need to jump BBBs bone.

KtP: sigh. i know. but, since that won't happen...i need to move on

F: Is it really just about work, why you won't?

KtP: for but that's a big piece

F: Why else?

KtP: i'm scared.

F: Normal scared, or scared of something specific (like a huge schlong)?

KtP: lol

KtP: right now, it's fun and flirty and light hearted

F: Ah, scared of the inevitable loss of it being fun and flirty and light hearted.

KtP: are you mocking me?

F: Not at all. But it's kind of silly that it inevitably goes away, right?

KtP: does it?

F: Not necessarily.

KtP: i'm afraid it would. and i'm afraid of having to open up

F: Yeah. Serious question: How long do you think you can go before you have to open up to somebody?

KtP: forever

F: Really? You don't see yourself ever needing someone else in your life?

KtP: sigh. the truth is that i don't see myself ever needing someone in my life because i don't see myself ever having someone in my life

F: But you want someone in your life. Wouldn't that necessitate being able to see someone in your life?

KtP: that's kind of it, though. i want someone, but i don't see someone in that role, so i manage to do a decent job of convincing myself that i don't want someone

F: I don't think you're all that convincing.

KtP: shrug. depends on the day

F: You sound hopeless.

KtP: sometimes, i feel that way. i dont' want to get my hopes up about finding anyone, because if i don't, then...i'm devastated. if i say i don't want anyone, then if i don't find anyone...that's the expected result. if i DO find someone, then it's a pleasant surprise

F: There's a difference between actual hopelessness and not having high expectations

KtP: is there?

F: You don't think so?

KtP: i think there is, but i don't think i have low expectations. i'm not willing to accept anyone

F: No, I'm not saying you have low expectations, I'm saying you have no hope whatsoever.

KtP: why get my hopes up for something that might never happen and just disappoint me?

F: Because I think there's also a difference between 'no hope whatsoever' and just plain 'hope'

KtP: i dont' want to be disappointed. i don't want to get excited about another guy who turns out to be bullshit. i don't want to let my guard down again for another guy who fucks me over. I know they're not all like that, but...

F: I think if you try to put some limitation on an expectation (whether it's a high or low expectation doesn't matter) such as, "I will meet Mr. Perfect by June," then it's easy to be hopeless. I think if you have no limitation on when you meet someone great (for example), then you can still have some little bit of hope.

KtP: and in the meantime, i'm sizing everyone up, wondering if they will be that someone great, and perhaps allowing myself to fall for one of them, and perhaps getting hurt. again. i can't do that.

KtP: i just...can't.

Am I thrilled with this? No, of course not. Do I feel I 'need' to do this, to be this way? Yeah. Am I afraid it's a self-fulfilling prophecy? Daily. Am I afraid of this topic in general? Daily.

There's more to say on this, but that's all for now.

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