Welcome Home - The Ugliest Part of All
** Just to avoid confusion, J's thoughts/'explanations' are in red. These are NOT my views, so slam me for them and I'll beat your punk ass. My comments back to J are in blue; my editorial comments here are in black. Now, on with the story. **Earlier in the day, when J, Tree & I had been drinking, J used the n-word. THE n-word. I raised my eyebrows at it but didn't comment.
As we sat at the second bar, I decided - perhaps foolishly - to bait him. I mentioned that there was a coworker of mine who I really wanted - a big, black guy.
This time, J's eyebrows raised. He asked if the racial slurs earlier bothered me, and I said they did. He then proceeded to tell me that in Spanish, the word for black is 'negro,' or something similar. I'm not looking that up, b/c I don't care to lend support to his argument, which was that the pronunciation of that equaled the n-word, and therefore made it okay.
"J, we're not talking Spanish here."
He then proceeded to tell me that if a white person is in a predominately black neighborhood, the cop will pull him over even if nothing has been done wrong. If a white person is in a bad neighborhood, it's either b/c a) she's lost, or b) she's buying dope. It's the cop's job to get that white person out of there, because if that white person gets raped, mugged, carjacked, etc etc, she'll bitch 'where were the cops?' and blame them for not saving her.
I was stunned, and retorted that it is not a cop's job to play vigilante, and if I'm in a bad neighborhood, perhaps it's because I WANT to be there for some reason the cops have no fucking business knowing, and if anything bad happens to me, perhaps it's my own goddamn fault.
There's also a reason there are so many black men in jail. It's because the n-word designates a group of people who lie, cheat, steal, kill, rape their own. Well, you know what? People like that exist in every fucking racial category there is. If someone's a murderer, call them a murderer. There's no need to pull the n-word into this.
Oh, and racial profiling? That's some bullshit the fucking Democrats came up with and it doesn't exist.
J was a St. Louis cop for a time, and proceeded to tell me some of the shit he saw happen there. I didn't deny that he's seen some nasty shit, but that doesn't mean an entire race is to blame.
I don't remember much more of the conversation, which is fine by me. It's a good thing I hadn't been drinking anymore. I told him repeatedly that we were not going to change the others' mind/views, so let's agree to disagree and leave it at that, but he wasn't having it.
After one of my retorts, J told me I was wrong. Yeah. I'm learning this is one of my hot buttons. So my thoughts and opinions are WRONG? Yes. You can't tell me that. You can disagree, but you can't tell me my opinions are WRONG. Yes, I can. Do you want to know why they're wrong? No, J, actually I don't. Well I'm going to tell you.
At this point, I grabbed my smokes, my lighter, and my phone. J, I am going outside right now for some fresh air. When I come back, we will talk about anything other than this topic. This is done.
I went outside, called a friend, and I cried.
I know prejudice exists. I've just never dealt with it this upfront before. I don't need or want my friends to hold the exact same beliefs I do. But, when it comes to determining a person's worth by the color of their skin...yeah, we damn well better be of like mind on this if you want to be friends. What I'm trying to say, and not doing a good job of - is that this is the first time someone I consider a friend has shown such - to me- disgusting views.
Even now, as I write this, I'm stunned. Stunned that someone I've cared about can so firmly believe something is right, that I just as firmly believe is wrong.
I don't feel I'm writing this well; I really don't want people to cater to my beliefs; I really do want people to have their own. Let's debate them if you want, but please be willing to listen - truly listen - to what I have to say. I'm going to try to give you the same courtesy.
I can't write this anymore.
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