Corporate Peon: Death's Anniversary - Updated

Saturday, March 26, 2005

Death's Anniversary - Updated

Last weekend marked two years since I last saw Ex. It also, coincidentally, marks his two year anniversary with S, the girl he left me for.

I remember driving around one dark, wet night, crying. I just had to get out of the house, I had to do something to take my mind off of him. My parents called my cell phone, came out. I told them that we were through. It was a week after Ex had flown out here to spend the week with us - we (parents, sister, BIL, Ex & I) spent a few days at a B&B in the Dells. We lucked out and had a beautiful March weekend; we ate good food, we sightsaw, we played board games. Ex & I went to dinner at the 'rents house one night a few days later; dad made his paella, mom her chocolate cherry cake. And all I could think about on the phone to them that rainy night was that they had just spent so much money trying to get to know him, so much money and effort trying to show me that if he was important to me, he'd be important to them.

I used to wonder if I could have prevented our breakup, if perhaps I had handled it differently, better, we could have salvaged something. I didn't understand how he could say he loved me but want to pursue someone else, andI let him know that confusion was upsetting. He never saw it through my eyes.

Two years ago, I thought I'd die. I thought life without him was more than I could bear. I felt hopeless and worthless and more alone than ever, and all because of some stupid guy.

Two years ago I wasn't sure if I wanted to move on.

And yet, here I am.

I guess that means I decided.

*** Updated ***

Reading this now that it's posted, I'm a bit disgusted with myself. He's a guy. Or as the music of Jesus Christ Superstar, he's a man; he's just a man. Yes, I loved him. Yes, I'll always love him. So it didn't work out. Jesus. Life goes on. Why did I take it so hard? Why did I let it affect me - infect me - so much? Grow up, girl.

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