Corporate Peon: Random Ramble

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Random Ramble

I've missed writing. Not that I haven't been doing any of it; I have some posts in draft form, ready to go, and I have written a bit more on my secret blog. It's indexed, so anyone could find it if they looked hard enough, but I don't really care. That blog started as my 'dark' blog, as a forum for what I didn't feel comfortable saying here.

But I'm now comfortable saying it all here. Every last little sordid secret, every dark little thought, every sexually deviant fantasy...if I want to share it, it will be shared here. There's no point in hiding. I don't know you*; I won't know you. And you'll only know what I choose to let you know, and even that can and will be misconstrued.

Someone told me I've been giving off a 'don't talk to me vibe' lately. Someone else mentioned that I have withdrawn into myself very effectively over the past two months. I'm not denying either of those statements. I have a very hard time letting my guard down and truly letting someone know me. If I take that chance with you...well, it's not easy for me. And if I feel you've fucked with that priviledge, you won't be let in again.

It's so easy to trust someone you don't know. That seems backwards, doesn't it? But if I don't know you, you have no power over me. You can't twist my words around and throw them in my face. You can't harm me. But the second you know can easily take my trust and throw it away. You can play nice to my face, encouraging me to share more of myself with you, until one day it's all laid out for others to see, and it's stomped on and it's spit on and there's nothing I can do but regret knowing you.

I'm done with that.

* And for the record, 'you' in this post refers to the general you. The public. Not one specific you. So don't send me hatemail.

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