Corporate Peon: Understandable, Part 2

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Understandable, Part 2

Back when Ex was just a friend, we had some in-depth conversations about his relationship with his previous relationship with S. Ex said that at some point, the spark had faded, as it always does.

Wait. What? The spark fades? I don't want that. Does it always fade? How come? What are you left with when it does?

Well, apparently, the spark always fades. You settle into a routine of being comfortable, but the initial desire and attraction simmers down. It might still exist, but the urgency is no longer there. This happens with any long-term relationship, just due to nature and time and, well, life. Hopefully, when you've found that the spark is now a glowing ember and not a fire-starter, you're left with friendship, love, respect, contentment, and appreciation.

Is that true? I don't know. I haven't had any relationships that lasted long enough to find out. I do know that I don't want it to be true; I don't know if that's reasonable.


Ex always called me out on being a pessimist. Well, he didn't really call me out on it, because I've never denied it. He, of course, was/is a goddamn optimist. And while I do believe there's some logic to my thought process about needing/wanting someone...I'm also very very afraid that I will talk myself into being single forever. Not that there are all that many options out there right now, but I do worry that I will convince myself I don't need anyone and will thus never search for anyone. I don't want that. At the same time...I'm very very afraid to open up to anyone. You read me; I'm alternately full of shit and full of doubt, and I'm always insecure and guarded. I don't expect anyone 'real' to want to deal with that, but I can't change so someone will want to.

So...where does that leave me?


I've mentioned before, I believe, my non-desire - nay, my abject fear - of having kids. If it were feasible to use Norplant, the pill, and condoms at the same time, I'd still have the guy pull out. Kids and Peons don't mix. But...I'd like to be in love with someone to even have that option.


Maybe I'm hopeless because I see this as a no-win situation. I can't be something I'm not, but I can't fathom finding someone for who I am. And around and around we go...

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