Corporate Peon: Existence

Monday, August 29, 2005


I feel I've only been existing lately. Living, but not living a life.

This became almost painfully obvious to me during the last week. Meeting Online Boy, who has a lot going on in his life. He has a big group of friends in the area, partially due to growing up around here, and they seem pretty active in doing random shit.

I hate being asked what my hobbies and interests are. I don't seem to have any.

I've blamed this on grad school, which did truthfully take up a bit of my time during the past four years. And what am I supposed to tell people? That since moving down here five years ago, I've spent a large portion of that depressed. Clinically, in-need-of-meds, depressed. That I got over one breakup only to fall in love for the first time and thus create a new breakup to moon over?

Nuh uh. The truth, it has no part in that conversation.

I'm trying to find my way. The running group was part of that. And while I still attempt to run 3x a week or so, it's a solitary effort and didn't create any friendships for me to nurture.

It's not easy making friends when you're as judgemental and cynical as I am. You can't just say, "Hey, stranger, I like your shirt/piercing/Skechers" and find yourself with a new friend. It's not as simple as going out and doing things. I do things. I've gone to bars and art fairs and exhibits and concerts. But I've done all those things alone. And as friendly as you can be at those events, it isn't enough.

I don't know what will be. But I'd like to have a life, I'd like to have friends in the area I can call up and do shit with. I'd like to actually have a story to relate about something I did with someone I know who lives nearby.

Wanting that, however, is a far cry from making it happen.
In an effort to make that happen, I've invited an old friend of mine over tonight. She's the one who's been trying to get a hold of me for months but then never returning my calls until two weeks later, only to leave another message and not return my calls again. We finally connected last week, and she's getting divorced and living with her sister, about 10 minutes from me. She's coming over tonight for beer and cookies.

And now I'm starting to freak that the place isn't 'company' clean, it's only 'family' clean. Shit.

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