Stupid
I've only known that my high school reunion was this coming weekend for, say, three months. Maybe four. So why is it that I only started shopping for reunion clothes on Saturday??
That's right. Stupid.
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I called my new IT guy today with some issues.
"Dear IT God, yesterday you copied some files to my new CPU from my old CPU that I really really need. Today, though, they're gone. Please help."
"But they were there yesterday."
"Yes, they were. But they're gone now. Please help."
"But they were there yesterday."
(Pause while IT God takes remote control of my system and pokes around.)
"Oh, you're right. They're not here now. Let ne look into that."
"Oh, and IT God? While you do that, please check out my missing personal address book, since that's also missing."
"But it shouldn't be."
"But it is."
"Here, I can map that to you now." (Pause. Doesn't work either of the THREE times he tries.)
"Okay. I'll do that too."
Waste of my fucking time. STUPID IT guy.
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My old team took me out for lunch today. That wasn't stupid at all. I laughed quite a bit at the banter between New Girl and R.
New Girl set up a drink night with R, BBB, and a few other fun people. That's not stupid, either.
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I finished running group last night. Two sets of 10 verrrrrrrrry slow minutes. Yay! Just gotta keep it up on my own, which I want to do, so it should be easy enough. Not stupid there, either.
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Oh! More stupid! Got a call from the chic at the glass making place. They set up the new, less-expensive, more-attractive-to-people-wanting-classes class. It's every Friday from 9:30 to 11. IN THE MORNING. Every other class I had talked to the contact about was in the evening.
I called her back, thanked her for her message, confirmed that it was a weekday morning class, and said, "Sorry. I have to work every weekday. Thanks again for the call." Click.
I know it's not her fault, but seriously. WTF was she/they thinking?
STUPID
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New favorite show - Weeds. I love the irreverence. Not stupid.
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I have a bruise just beneath my belly button. WTF? Stupid.
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Online Boy gets a big ole STUPID. When we met last week, he asked what I was doing over the weekend (this past weekend). I said I might go visit my sister in Madison.
A few minutes later he said, "You mentioned a sister. Where is she?"
Slight pause. "Madison."
Later - "What are you doing this weekend?"
I emailed him a few days after our meet. I knew he was moving downtown on Friday. We talked about it in person and on the phone. So when I emailed over the weekend, I asked how the move went.
He responded to tell me that he moved downtown over the weekend.
Um...no fucking shit, fucking Sherlock Stupid Holmes.
Say it with me, folks - S T U P I D !!!
So anyway, there I was on the balcony wearing ONLY my purple see-through boy-shorts when...*
Oh. Hello there.
I think I've bitched enough lately about the shittily coordinated move taking place at my office so that you all know the drama of last week. In a nutshell: No boxes before vacation, communication via ESP to tell me I should be ready the second I'm back from vacay, then no one has a clue, then it might be Friday, or maybe Monday, so be ready! So I was. And I didn't get moved.
I spent yesterday and part of today working without my notes, folders, papers, PENS, etc etc. I was not happy.
Yesterday I got an email saying my move was scheduled for 10am this Thursday. Spetember 1st. This week. 10am.
Imagine my surprise when the movers came at 10am THIS MORNING.
Yesterday I talked to a computer guy who said he was going to deploy all my schtuff to a new faster CPU. Bigger & better & free - can't be that. It'd be all ready for me on Thursday morning. Um...crap.
We had to move my old computer, and then I spent hours unhooked up to the networks (re: hosed) before they started the redeployment that isn't yet complete.
And I missed jeans day today b/c I didn't think I'd be in the new area and it wouldn't really be right if I wore jeans in the old building.
But, the move is done, my cube is all set up purty and I even managed to get some work done today. All's well that ends well, yes?
*Yes, I actually did sneak out on my balcony dressed as described just now. I was oh-so-careful NOT to have the door lock behind me.
Existence
I feel I've only been existing lately. Living, but not living a life.
This became almost painfully obvious to me during the last week. Meeting Online Boy, who has a lot going on in his life. He has a big group of friends in the area, partially due to growing up around here, and they seem pretty active in doing random shit.
I hate being asked what my hobbies and interests are. I don't seem to have any.
I've blamed this on grad school, which did truthfully take up a bit of my time during the past four years. And what am I supposed to tell people? That since moving down here five years ago, I've spent a large portion of that depressed. Clinically, in-need-of-meds, depressed. That I got over one breakup only to fall in love for the first time and thus create a new breakup to moon over?
Nuh uh. The truth, it has no part in that conversation.
I'm trying to find my way. The running group was part of that. And while I still attempt to run 3x a week or so, it's a solitary effort and didn't create any friendships for me to nurture.
It's not easy making friends when you're as judgemental and cynical as I am. You can't just say, "Hey, stranger, I like your shirt/piercing/Skechers" and find yourself with a new friend. It's not as simple as going out and doing things. I do things. I've gone to bars and art fairs and exhibits and concerts. But I've done all those things alone. And as friendly as you can be at those events, it isn't enough.
I don't know what will be. But I'd like to have a life, I'd like to have friends in the area I can call up and do shit with. I'd like to actually have a story to relate about something I did with someone I know who lives nearby.
Wanting that, however, is a far cry from making it happen.
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In an effort to make that happen, I've invited an old friend of mine over tonight. She's the one who's been trying to get a hold of me for months but then never returning my calls until two weeks later, only to leave another message and not return my calls again. We finally connected last week, and she's getting divorced and living with her sister, about 10 minutes from me. She's coming over tonight for beer and cookies.
And now I'm starting to freak that the place isn't 'company' clean, it's only 'family' clean. Shit.
Life As I Know It
Thursday after work there was a gathering at a local dive bar with the new work group. I stayed far longer than I had expected, but left before the place closed down.
The new group proves to be a fun group. A lot of younger people in the mix, which should be fun. Since I've known them all from working with them (just not beside them) the past 9 months, I already have relationships built, which means I can pretty easily jump into the roll.
There are a couple fun people that I'll like getting to know better. No one eligible, but I learned Thursday that they are friends with an employee in a different area of the company who I found quite attractive. We'll see if he has any personality if I ever get to talk to him outside of the bar scene.
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As my entire cube is packed up, I did some email from home Friday morning before meeting people for our last outing of the summer, an architecture cruise on the Chicago River. This was a very small group and quite light-hearted. BBB was there, as was the Russian guy I like (who bought me a beer on the boat) and we all had a good time. The weather was great and the cruise was interesting.
After that was lunch at a spot on Navy Pier - good BBQ, relaxing atmosphere, and company-paid for. Can't beat that.
The bus took us back to the office, where I ran home to clean, as my sister & BIL were coming down to spend the night.
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This is the first time they've done that - usually, they have the dogs to care for and some social engagements. But, they roped S (the girl staying with them this summer) into dog-duty and got down here around 7pm for a mini-vacation.
I bought beer and (way too many) appetizer dishes, and we gorged and talked and watched random TV.
Today, we ate breakfast at a local place they know and like, then went to Costco - my sister's idea of a treat. BIL and I tried to rein her in a bit, but alas - money was spent in excess. I guess that's the point, though, right?
After that, we came back to my casa to nap a little, and more random conversation and TV watching ensued. After lunch we went to IKEA - again, my sister's idea of fun - since that's also on their way out of town.
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I bought nothing today but a soda at IKEA and coffee for the two addicts this morning. I guess that means I'm no fun.
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I love my sister. Dearly. But I don't always like her. I've been trying for a couple weeks now to put into words what's been going on between us lately, but I always come up short. She's a great person. I just wish...I guess I just wish she could get into my head a little bit. Alas, she probably wishes the same thing, and neither one of us is holding our breath.
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Tomorrow I think I will spend shopping for clothes for next week's high school reunion. Not trying to impress anyone, but I would like to look sharp.
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This will be another busy week. I have no idea if my boxes at work will be moved to the new building Monday morning or not. If they aren't, I will be crabby, as I'll have to unpack a whole lot to make it through the day (pens, mouse, paper, folders, etc).
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Just not feeling the whole blogging thing these days. Too much I've been trying to say without any luck; the thoughts don't stop coming, but the words don't translate into type.
I'll be around.
Fluff
Tonight I'm maybe meeting Online Boy for a drink. I'd be excited if I knew for sure it would happen. I did email him from here, a very blase "Since we didn’t connect last night and I can’t get my aol email from work, I’m just writing to check on this evening’s plans" type of note. We'll see.
Tomorrow I have an after-work 'outing' at a local dive bar with my new division. Should be fun, although the person I'm closest to in that organization won't be there, so that kind of stinks. Not to mention, there are no cute single guys there.
Friday I'm supposed to move cubes/buildings. When I came in Monday after Friday off, there were boxes here and I found out via email that "Katey wasn't ready when they came to move her at 9am Monday." Fuckers. So now I'm packing and apparently will be moving at 9am Friday.
Which works, b/c at 10am Friday I leave for my last boat cruise of the summer. It's with my 'old' division of which there are only about 10 of us. BBB will be there, as will hottie Russian R, so it will be very light-hearted and fun. This is an architechture cruise on the Chicago River and is supposed to be pretty cool.
I might head up to Madison this weekend. My sister wants me to come visit and I don't really have a good reason not to. Could be fun. My BIL and I giggled quite a bit last night on the phone. It was one of those random things he said and then only after I laughed did he realize just how kooky it was. Gotta love him.
And somehow, between all this fun, I need to keep running. Last night was 3 sets of 8 minutes, and next week is two sets of 10. I wish I was faster than the slowest turtle, but at least I'm still out there doing it. It's been nice and cool lately which helps. Richmond was disgustingly hot and humid.
I've gone back through my draft posts and there are some more serious ones I should get out at some point. Not to mention, there's some stuff rambling around my noggin, but that can all wait.
Have a good Wednesday.
The Importance of Tattoos
It wasn't until last year that I dated a guy with tattoos. I was surprised to find them extremely sexy. He had a tattoo on one bicep and while we were together, got his second, on the other arm (and no, it wasn't of my name with a heart around it). It gave him a bit of the bad-boy image that I've always found myself lusting after.
Upon returning home to my email, I found a note from one of my high school gfs. Apparently she and one of the other women in our circle thought it would be fun for the four of us to get a small tattoo together while we are celebrating our 10yr high school reunion at the end of the month.
I love the idea of having something that is 'us only' and that denotes our friendship is permanent and a part of us. I love the idea of celebrating 10+ years of friendship and in knowing unequivocally that there will be 10+ more years of it. I love the idea of bringing each other one step deeper into our lives.
I hate the idea of a tattoo. As
Lois and I discussed the night of our excursion, there's just nothing out there that we feel we would be happy with for the rest of our lives. I may wear my hair the same way I did in high school (and college) (and grad school) but a tattoo just doesn't give you any options to ignore. I'm not that afraid of the pain; I
am that afraid of the permanency.
I've been agonizing for 8 solid months about a new car; can you imagine how long it would take me to settle on a tattoo?
One of the other girls has a fear of needles, so we settled for lunch out and a group pedicure. That's not a sign we're getting old, is it?
Welcome Back Peon
Here's how it went down:
Got into Richmond around 11:30 Thursday night. Small delay getting there, no biggie. GF and I sat on the deck of their (well, really, her BF's) brand new house and had a couple beers. And chatted. Everything, nothing, random shit. Exactly what I went out there for.
Friday we went out to lunch and then hit an outlet mall. Yay! Sales! After shopping we went back to the house and made some drinks. Because her BF is somewhat fanatical, there was much liquor to be had. Amaretto and Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper? Thumbs up. Watermelon vodka and 7up? Thumbs down. Kahlua and Coke? Eh.
We ordered pizza and watched Old School, because I had never seen it. I was mildly amused by it. Mind the stepchildren! We sat around and talked a bit more, again, about everything and nothing, before bedtime.
Saturday GF made scrambled eggs for me after she got back from her half-marathon run. (She's doing a run program much like mine, except hers is for MARATHON training. Freak.) We went to CaryTown, which is a street with old houses turned into quirky boutique shops. Consignment shops, weird funky purse shops, antique shops. It was fun just walking around and poking through the stuff. We split a veggie sandwich and a DELICIOUS white chocolate mousse crepe for lunch. Best lunch ever.
That night, we went out to dinner with BF and a good friend of GFs - the same girl who went to Ireland with us last year. BF paid for all of us and then let us loose on the bars and went home. We started out lowkey at Sine, where some random New York guy joined us and entertained us briefly. Then another gf of my GF joined us - Tara. God was she annoying. Drama queen, and self-absorbed, and even though she introduced me to about a dozen people, she couldn't ever remember my name.
Anyway, the four of us girls then moved on to Europa, where Tara introduced us to a really really really cute guy named Eric and his really really cute friend named Rob. My GF thought Eric was checking me out, and I kind of thought he was too. Bald and with a goatee - just my type. Anyway, after that we moved to Lucky Lounge, where Eric & Rob also were. Eric and I talked a little bit there, but I have no mojo. He did tell me about an after-hours bar they were going to, though.
And low and behold, we ended up there too. It was a members-only place and Tara hooked us up with some members to get in. She knew everyone, apparently, which was her saving grace. GF and I rode there in some hottie's 330 Ci BMW. Sweet.
The after-hours club was a random factory with a bar, pool tables in the back, chairs up and down the sides, and a big ole dance floor to go with the techno/hip-hop music they played. Hottie Eric and I chatted a bit more but I still hadn't found my mojo, so nothing happened there.
GF and I passedup the opportunity to go smoke up with Tara afterwards and called BF to pick us up. 4:30 in the morning we were back at the house eating leftover pizza. Mmmm.
Today GF and I went to lunch and then shopped a little more before my flight. We talked about serious shit and non-serious shit and laughed a lot and it was so good.
Even though I may have broken my toe at the after-hours club. And I haven't drunken that much in the past three months combined.
This will be a busy week - dr's appt tomorrow night, running group Tuesday, work get-together Thurs, boat cruise Friday...and I may fill Wednesday by getting drinks with Online Boy who is greatly intriguing and interesting me.
I'm content right now. I'm happy. I wish I didn't have to hop on a plane for girl time, but I do, so I'm going to enjoy it when I can get it.
Night, folks.
Hello...Goodbye
I'm all angsty and shit today. What? How is that different from any other day?
Well, today I actually triedto write about it coherently, but of course th didn't work. Why didn't it work? Well, partly b/c m wireless, ergonomic keybod is all sorts f ucked up. Ths rit. ou noctice how not every letter is appearing? Oh, I'm typing them, I swear to you. The keyboard has js deedt't to show them. Fun, huh?
The other part of why it didn't work is because I'm not in the mood to be all moody and shit. I want to be fun and free! Flippant and fancy! Somehow it's just not working though.
I leave today for a long weekend with one of my very best girl friends. BBB is taking me to the airport which saves me cab fare. I've been having trouble with that word lately, not always knowing when it's 'fair' or 'fare.' Oh, sure, NOW the keyboard works just fine!
At any rate, I'm very excited fotr the change in scenery, the day off from work, the new-to-me shops to shop in, and most importantly, the girl bonding time. I don't get much of that. I had a pity party earlier in the week when I realized that when I went through my shitty breakup with Ex, there wasn't anyone around to hug me. I definitely need more hugs in my life. My best friend (I've called her many things on here and need to settle on one name) has been having a hard time lately and I really hope I can help her, whatever form that help takes.
So have fun in your respective states/houses/cubes/sheds, and I'll be back on Sunday.
Dem Bones
Dem bones are da laziest bones!
The place is a mess. I picked it up a little last night, but never did get to the dishes in the sink.
I didn't go to the store tonight so dinner might just be the two plums I forgot for lunch.
I haven't packed yet. I'm sooo glad I did mucho laundry last week.
I haven't been running since last Tuesday. Granted, some of that was intentional - I HAD to beat the cold thing I had.
I napped today on the couch after work.
I have to be back at work in less than 12 hours and yet here I am, futzing away on the computer.
Defective Peon
I have webbed toes.
Sounds silly, doesn't it. Silly but true.
The third and fourth toes on my left foot are fused together. It looks sort of like
this from the back, except mine are more fused than that guy's. From the front, they're just normal toes (and now complete with OPI Friar, Friar, Pants on Fire!) without the split between. Mine only split at the nail bed, so really only the top quarter or so is actually two toes. If I ever get a digital cam I'll take a pic. The technical term is
syndactyly and it occurs when the skin just doesn't separate during growth as a fetus. It doesn't hurt and it doesn't affect my walking and in fact, I've now so totally ambivalent to it that the first time I went for a pedicure, I had completely forgotten about it. I used to be very embarrassed by it. During sleepovers I would wear socks, or just always sit so that my foot was hidden. In fact, it wasn't until last year that one of my high school girlfriends even noticed. The pedicurist today asked me about it and why I never had them separated. My parents asked about surgery when I was a baby but the doctors said it would be surgery for cosmetic reasons only, and who wants to put a baby or child through that? I mean, again, it doesn't impact me. I suppose I could have had it done to save myself some embarrassment as a kid, but if my close gfs just now noticed...I guess I did a good job of hiding it! So, that's my little secret for the day. In other news...remember
New Girl and her son? I hadn't told you but her son's court date was a couple weeks ago. She told the prosecution that since they wouldn't drop the charges, she wanted it to go to a jury trial - and then they dropped the charges to battery. Battery. Only. So her son will do some community service and pay a fine and LEARN HIS LESSON, but he won't be marked as a sex offender. YAY! As for my personal ad fun...well, I've canceled two subscriptions. eHarmony, I'm paid up through a bit longer, but nothing is panning out there. However, within days of cancelling the other sites, two guys sent me notes and both included their personal emails. So we've been emailing. I'm more interested in one than the other - I've just learned more about him - and we spoke briefly tonight. He felt bad that he missed my call last night and though he's at a friend's tonight, he did call back to apologize and chat for a minute. I cut him loose though and he has said he'll call tomorrow. So that could be promising. He interests me at this point, which is something new. Alright kids, back to my books! Have a good night!
You Got a Fast Car?
Yesterday, on my way home from work, the two lanes north I was in were backed up for a good way. The two lanes south were not. So one fucker in my lane - in a minivan - decided to pull out of the lane. And drive north in the south-bound lanes - to pass about 15 of the cars ahead of it. Which meant, should any car decide to head south, there would have been a collision. So the cars heading north had to stop and let this asshole back in the lane s/he voluntarily left.
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There I am, driving to work today. The main road is under serious construction so I've found a little bypass. It spits you out at a light where your only options are to turn right or left. I always turn right and I never turn on a red light since there are little signs up telling me "No turn on red."
The sign apparently applies to everyone but jackasses in blue minivans. As I approached the light today, no one was in front of me. The light was yellow. Not turning yellow, but already yellow. So I rather uncharacteristically stop rather than punching it through.
The jackass in the minivan moved from behind me to the left turn lane. He then turned AHEAD of me, right, against the light.
What a fucking jackass. I really hoped that he would get hit. Except that it would make me late for my meeting.
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Then, as I pulled into the parking lot, I put my blinker on (another uncharacteristic move) and turned down an aisle. I was going to take the only open spot in the near vacinity when - you fucker! - some idiot from the aisle next to me pulled alllllllll the way through, thereby blocking my spot. She saw me. Her passenger saw me. They didn't back up. So I threw my hands up in disgust and drove around the aisle, where I pulled up behind them. The passenger gave me kind of a smirk, which I returned with my death stare. Fuckers.
To borrow a line from Pup, what the fuck is wrong with you people?? I feel guilty for wishing DEATH on this fuckups who decided that the traffic rules weren't meant for them, but they deserve some sort of punishment. I may not signal all the time and I may speed, but when it comes to passing and staying in my lane and basically not causing death to myself or others, I follow those rules.
Hoohah!
Folks, buckle up and sit down. I have another night with
Lois Lane to report on. This event included nipple rings, alcohol, many, many men (some in uniform), and lots of lumps and bumps.
I arrived at casa de Lane around 5pm on Saturday. Hung out with the fam for a bit - gave Mr. Lane crap as usual, met Chip of the long-lost-yet-returned cat fame (see her July 14th entry), and talked to the kids for a minute.
We didn't hang out at home for too long as we had places to go and men to see! Our first stop was a nearby fire department, where Lois is a known entity. We talked with a couple of the guys until they got a call and then hung around talking with one of the guys who stayed behind.
Oh man, let me tell you, was he snackable. Pierced nipple and all. He was sexxxy. Mmm. After wiping away the drool, Lois & I continued on to the main event - dinner at the VFW.
The event last night was a dinner for the C battery who had just returned from deployment. Translation - a lot of soldiers. A lot of soldiers in uniform. A lot of soldiers who had been deployed for 15 months.
Lois was the personal invite of a man I'll call Willie. It was easy to see that he was one of the most respected men there by the attention the other soldiers gave him. Based on only a few hours in Willie's company, it was well-deserved respect. He generally cares about the boys, he's funny, interesting, kind, generous, and he's very charming.
Willie kept us company in our rightful spots by the bar where we got to ogle many men in their quest for thirst-quenching beverages. As a result, some of the liquor found its way to me. I'd say it found its way to us, but Lois has an alcohol allergy that prevented her from partaking. I had her back, though, and did her shots for her.
Clayton, a very yummy soldier, bought me a Yagerbomb. Willie bought me a shot or two of McGillicuddy's. I found a new favorite drink I'll call a cherry cheesecake - mmm.
Lois and I, people watchers that we are, had some prime material. The lady - and I use that term loosely - who apparently uses other things loosely. Looking at her, you'd almost think it was cold in the bar. The drunk wife of a soldier who made my day saying 'cocksucker' and then bragging that she could spell the word faster than she could say it. The head honcho who everyone thinks is an ass, and who spits when he talks. The very very cute soldier who talked to us about German porn. Another very very cute soldier who told us drunk tales of Cubs games in Colorado.
I thought one soldier tried to pick me up with a cheesy line, but once he found out that I wasn't actually from there and I wasn't actually familiar to him, despite apparently looking so, he left. Afterwards, we returned to the Lane household. I had entertained the thought of staying over and going to the picnic and parade today, but my own bed was calling my name. I still can't shake this damn cold and with my trip this coming weekend figured sleep is the best bet. There is talk, though, of meeting Mr. Lane's n'er-do-well brother. He's apparently a rebel without a cause or a clue - in other words, just my type. Whether or not that materializes, I'm sure there will be more Lois - Peon gatherings in the future. We'll keep you posted!
Your Love is Like Chocolate
Or, you know, not.
Someone sent me this saying and it tickled my funny bone. I'm not savvy enough to actually show you the image, but here's what it says:
Friendship is like pissing your pants, Everyone can see it, but only you can feel its true warmth. Thank you for being the piss in my pants. A little Friday levity never hurt anyone. :)
Read At Your Own Risk
Yes. I've been one big ole crank ass lately. People are pissing me off left and right and THERE'S NO END TO IT!
One person asked if I have a form for Project Y. No, I said, I'm not involved in that project. But I thought you're working on Project X? I am. I still don't have any info on Project Y.
One lady did not accept my mtg notice nor listen to either of two voicemails sent her way (in plenty of time prior to the mtg) so that meeting was shot.
One lady emailed me yesterday at 6.07am. When I had not yet responded by 6.25am this morning, she sent an urgent notice to me about my timing. I'm normally quite prompt in my responses and don't feel that 24hrs on a non-urgent issue is a problem.
One woman called me about an answer to a semi-urgent matter, despite the meeting yesterday where I said I would let her know as soon as I heard an answer. I guess she thought I was lying and really only keeping the info to myself.
One girl couldn't find the info in the project folder I had emailed her. That's because I didn't tell her the items were in the
subfolders of the project folder. I figured someone with a college degree could figure it out; my bad.
I had a convoluted paycheck issue to deal with and had been going back and forth with the payroll folks. Which was annoying in itself, as they didn't give me a specific person to work through, so I had to keep going through their stupid anonymous mailbox. At any rate, it turns out the missing paycheck had been delivered to my apartment complex and signed for on 7/7. That's right. One month ago. NO ONE EVER TOLD ME. No one from the apartment office, and no one from HR. Thanks. Fuckers.
Yahoo! Personals makes me sign in, ID and password, and then before I can check my inbox, it makes me sign in with my password again. I HATE THAT.
eHarmony sucks. It gives you three different security notices, bing bang boom, one right after the other. What's the point? And, if you're on that sight but currently pursuing a relationship, you should change your preferences so that no new matches are set. Otherwise you waste my time.
A coworker is asking for people to vote in an online contest so that her son's film will win the next level of competition. Not so that the film will when on it's merit, but so it will receive enough winning votes from people she's asked to help. Sorry. Not gonna do it. I'll view the films and if I think it's the best, then I'll vote.
Alright. That's it for now. Even I can't be pissed off all the time.*
*Shut up. I can't be. Really. Don't make me come over there.
Believe Me When I Say That I've Got Something For Your Punkass
I'm not feeling well this week. I haven't said that here yet. My throat has been killing me since Saturday (karma's way of telling me quitting smoking was a bad idea. I seriously feel like I've been on a bender of mythical proportions.) and I've been all lethargic and shit. No running since Saturday. Not sure yet if I'm going to go to group tonight or not. I want to and I feel I should, especially since my back's been hurting and running would stretch it out, but...we'll see.
I've been spending mucho time laying around on couches. On a blanket, under a blanket, cold Gatorade or V8 Fruit Splash next to me. I watched the premier of "Beautiful People" last night on the Family network, and liked it. I watched "Weeds" on Showtime and really liked it. I watched a movie called "Sexual Life" where the characters all sort of connect to one another and the story moves from one character's tale on to the next. I liked it; some things came full circle in the end, and closure always makes me happy.
I watched part of a movie
PM and I had discussed, "Dive from Clausen's Pier," which did not make me happy at all. First of all, Michelle Trachtenberg starred, and while I really like her (despite being in Buffy the Vampire Layer), she is 20yrs old and played a 23yr old. No biggie, but the last thing she was in was the Ice Princess, a Disney flick where she's 16yrs old at best. Sorry. I know about expanding your appeal and all, but it was too much of a leap for me. Not to mention, the ending totally blew and I think I missed a few key points, like how she ended up in NY and found a cool ass apartment or had the money for it or fashion school. So, yes, all this lying prone on my back may help explain why it's been hurting.
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My gf in Richmond called yesterday while I was at work, which has happened maybe once in my time here. She was all excited because while poking around on our college's alumni site, she found that my old roommate of 3yrs and our 3rd musketeer in college had gotten married this summer without any mention to us. Now, Roomie hasn't really been in touch with either of us in years, so it's not like we expected invites, but I guess we thought she'd at least email, if for no other reason than to gloat. She has the habit of emailing us when something good happens, telling us she is so glad to be back in touch, that she's missed us, blah blah blah, by the way x or y happened to me, and then when we respond we get nothing back.
The situation almost amuses me. She married her high school boyfriend, the one she cheated on all throughout college. He used to come up for the weekends and while she was at bball practice or something, he'd hang out in our room shirtless and commandeer the TV. He also used to ask me if she had cheated. Like I'm going to have
that conversation with the boyfriend of the person I lived with. Roomie was a fun person but not a very good friend. If you wanted to cause mischief or laugh a lot, she was the person for it. If you wanted to bare your soul, nuh uh. Which is why the three of us were so good together. Richmond gf & I would be studious and intellectual and sensitive together and then we'd go get drunk with Roomie. Richmond described it to me once thus: Roomie had no book smarts but plenty of street sense. Richmond had lots of book smarts but little street smarts. I was in the middle, bridging the two.
I always felt that was the best place to be.
Queen Bee
I wanted you to rub my calf when it woke me up in the middle of the night. I didn't purposely try to wake you, but I didn't hold down the noise or movement, either.
You didn't wake up. I was disappointed but not surprised.
It's not all about you, you know. Don't think I'm talking about you. You were a blip on my screen; how many days total was it?
I don't like when you touch my hand during conversation, or to show me how cold you are. I don't like any touch from you, it doesn't do what it once did. Or did it ever? And the way you blathered on and on today, jesus christ, couldn't you see the shield of blankness come down over my eyes? Don't you think I know when you're holding something back? Lie by omission. You're not good at it.
No one seems to notice that anything's changed. I wonder if it's because they aren't looking close enough or if the acting's just that good.
I think it's a little of both.
I almost did something nice for someone this weekend. I was part-way there but then realized I really don't need to be nice to this person. I have no reason to, and it felt kind of like sucking up. And I definitely don't want or need to suck up to this person.
So rather than further invest myself in the nice offering, I cut my losses at $2.99 and bailed.
It wouldn't have killed me to be nice, but I just didn't feel it was worth it. Or earned. Now, sometimes - often, in fact - nice deeds aren't done because they've been earned. But in this case, I felt it had not only not been earned, but if anything, the only thing earned was a big pile of dog shit squirted under the person's front door.
So I opted for neither approach.
You Won't Understand
...but I need to say this anyway. What are you doing? Seriously. What the fuck are you doing? Why would you think that's a good idea? Why would you purposely inflict torture on yourself? For it is torture, isn't it. You've been bitching and moaning for so long that when you get the chance to fix it, you're too scared to take it. Stupid asshole. Almost serves you right. I feel no sympathy for you at all. You made your bed, now you fucking lie in it.
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You ever say something that makes you upset? It's like, the second it's out of your head, you regret saying it and you feel stupid and cruel and sort of ignorant for saying it. You wish you could explain yourself but you know that won't even help, it will only make things worse and you could just kick yourself because even though the other person doesn't seem to notice,
you notice and you've just succeeded in making yourself feel like crap. And you don't know for certain that they haven't notice, they're just exercising good manners and not taking note of your blunder in a public forum. Except, that, on blogs, all comments are in public forums, so you're left with your gaffe for all to see. Whether someone calls you on it or not, you're left to feel that they've made note and filed it away and will use it in future discussions as to why your golden ticket was revoked.
Maybe it comes across as petty or trivial. Maybe it seems like whining or unnecessary cruelty. Maybe it seems like you're trying to lash out. Believe me, if I were trying to lash out, you'd know. I don't purposely try to be mean. I really do want people to like me, sometimes I just...fuck up. Sometimes my mouth runs faster than my brain.
It's all related to the dating thing. Maybe it's a girl versus guy thing. Just like a girl is more typically the one to analyze every comment a guy makes to her, looking for some secret meaning that he wants to bed or wed her, a girl is more apt to cringe when she puts her foot in her mouth, when she comes across as stupid or petty or weak. To make a general assumption about an entire gender, guys don't over-analyze their conversations with females nor let it get to them if they make a conversational blunder.
If I were a man I'd be such a slut.
"If I do this right, $10,000 will buy a lot of shoes."
You know sometimes how knowing a particular person can give you an 'in'? Whether it's an 'in' with another person or a place, it doesn't matter. It doesn't even matter if the privilege you think you've gained isn't a privilege at all, or isn't exclusive to you. What matters is that you feel cooler just by extension.
I feel as if I've lost an 'in' I used to have. I feel as if I've overstayed my welcome with some people. I'm not sad, in that I necessarily miss what we had. Or what I thought we had, or what I had concocted in my head. I'm not even sure I'm sad because things change. I mean, sure, sometimes I'm sad about both those things, but I think most often, I'm sad that I've lost my golden ticket.
It's not all happening around me, though. Some of it is by design. I've pulled away a bit from one direction; branched out to others, happily. It won't ever be what it was, and I know enough not to force it or pretend it will be.
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There's a way to clean your body of toxins. You can fast, you can sweat, you can eat organically and purge your body of all the processed shit you put into it.
Why isn't there a way to clean your brain? Why aren't you able to purge those files, those toxins?
61 Hours and Thoughts
I've been nicotine free since Tuesday morning and I crave it constantly. I'm not quitting permanently; I know myself better than to think I will.
I've been concerned lately with the effect on my running trials. Silly, how that's what gets me to quit, and not the chemicals and carcinogens and annoying-as-hell Truth.com ads.
I like to think I don't smoke much: one in the car to work, one home. Maybe as many as half a dozen at night. Less than a pack a day. That's not an issue, right?
Right.
Because I can't accept help, I always quit cold turkey. When the last one's gone, it's gone. I quit to push myself, maybe even to punish myself. I quit to show myself I can. I'm going to try and resist until the 13th. That night, I will be with a friend who knows better than to tell me all the negative points of smoking. We will be ogling men and perhaps throwing back a drink or two, and I know already that I won't be able to resist a smoke or thirty in that setting. After that, we'll see. I make no promises to myself, only lies.
Dear _____,
I'm not sure how to break it to you. I've tried the avoidance route with absolutely no luck. I don't know if you didn't get the message or if you 'didn't get' the message, but either way, you're pissing me off.
In a pure stroke of coincidence, I was out of the country the day of your baby shower. You won't remember, but I simply declined the invite and didn't offer any reason why.
Since then, I've ignored all of your emails. Well, that's not true. I may have responded to one during a fit of sensitivity. (Don't worry, I quickly banished that.) Are you even aware that I haven't responded to your emails, or do you just populate so many email boxes with your crap that you don't even notice if anyone responds?
I don't need 31 pictures of your 6.5 month old baby. I didn't need 30+ pictures of her when she was six months old, either. Maybe if I felt we were friends - correction, maybe if I wanted to feel like we were friends - I would make an effort to care. But I've long ago cut the cord and I'm much better for it.
I don't have to endure time together where you bemoan the fact that your hubby and I are no longer friends (your fault - remember your jealousy fits?). I don't have to hear you bitch about or fight with him (you married him, shut the fuck up). I don't have to hear you gossip about everyone (everyone you used to be friends with, that is). And I don't have to deal with him being a jackass towards you, me, and his friends who you cock block me with (don't even deny it).
So, with all due respect, please take me off your distribution list.
No hard feelings, mmkay?
Pack It Up, Pack It In
Let me begin...by saying that there's a new online boy who may have personality.
From his picture, I thought he was gay, and as we haven't met, that is still debatable. On the one hand, I suppose I should take his word for it, but on the other, how many closet gay guys do you know? Mmm hmm. That's what I thought.
I realized I think he looks gay because he resembles Emmett Honeycutt from Queer As Folk. My theory was only supported last night by his IM box that had a faint rainbow caressing the sky.
Ze plot, it thickens...
I test boys. I know this. I want someone with a little edge and a definite sense of humor. If they can't laugh at themselves, then I don't want 'em.
When last night's boy sent me a 'wink,' I checked out his profile. In it he had written that interested girls should email him, as the winking thing wasn't working for him anymore.
So I, of course, responded and called him out on it.
He responded laughing at himself slightly, which was a good sign. Had he been, like, "Bitch!" that would have ended things right then and there. Not for calling me a bitch as much as for not being able to see the point.
I then told him that I thought where he lived was too far away to pursue anything, and he responded nicely to that and we IM'd a little.
So, he passed the first test. He claims to be moving up here in two months, but I'm not holding my breath.
The guy from the Femmes concert wrote that he'd like to hang out in whatever capacity I'm comfortable with. Yeah, like that will happen.
Jagged Little Pill
(Pardon me if you already know this part - after a year, I forget what I've said and what I haven't.)
Almost immediately after Ex dumped me, I took myself off my anti-depressants. I think my reasoning was thus: I felt that being on meds would prevent me from really feeling the loss. I wanted to feel it, I wanted to hurt, and I wasn't sure I could on the pills.
I also knew it would make me feel worse than just the breakup, and I think I wanted him to see that. I wanted him to know I was miserable and to feel he was the sole cause.
Third, I went on meds after a lot of support from Ex. Going off of them was a quick way I could sever ties - sure, he could dump me for someone else, but I could go off pills: "You're not the only one to hurt me, I'm capable of doing it myself." Also, I could 'show him' - not really, but in my eyes - that he helped get me to a figurative place where I could deal with shit, and without him, fuck that - I wasn't going to help myself at all.
Yes. Very petty. Very spiteful. Very juvenile, hurtful, self-destructive, and painful.
I went through, I think, a full year of misery. Twelve calendar months of being off anti-depressants after two years of being on them. I was in hell, and it was all tied to him. All tied to losing him.
Yes, I knew that after a time, my misery wasn't caused by him. I knew that I needed to go back on my meds. But I couldn't bring myself to take that step again, knowing I was doing it solo.
I sucked things up, somehow, and went back to my doctor. The problem with me is that I function extremely well in public. My doctor re-prescribed my meds but I felt like a phony. I felt as if I wasn't opening up to her, that I wasn't telling her what was going on in my head, that I wasn't letting on to the crazy shit in my head.
Because, of course, I wasn't.
Partly due to my composure with the doctor, and partly due to my own sense of pride, my visits were only once every three months - just in time for a new prescription. As a result, my doctor didn't see me enough to 'know' me - or, I felt, even remember me.
At one visit, I was unable to schedule the next appointment, for reasons I don't remember. I haven't been back since.
Which, of course, correlates to the fact that I haven't been on anti-depressants since. It's been a number of months now - maybe this entire year? I honestly don't know. It's been much easier the past few months though - fewer lows, and when they do hit, they aren't as low as they used to be. I refuse to think it's due to endorphins from running, since that would mean I should keep it up.
Even when it's good, it's never easy. I'm constantly on the lookout for the next low; I'm constantly fighting it. It's not enough to know that it's been easier - better - lately, but it's something.
Good News!
I had decided I was going to Richmond, VA for a weekend to visit my best college gf. Actually, at this point, she's my only college gf, but that's irrelevant.
Tickets were cheapish, but I thought I had something at home that would save me $20. So I didn't purchase the ticket on Friday.
Monday, I come back in to work to buy my ticket (duh - like I actually WORK here) and found that the prices had jumped about $100. So in an attempt to save $20, I screwed myself.
So I checked every day and then I got kind of annoyed. My gf has, like, 10 days off a year. Some of that time is allocated to a Christmas visit. I had hoped she could take a day off when I came to visit, but I just found out she had taken two days off to go out of town last weekend and wasn't sure if she would have enough time to take a day when I came out.
Hello! I'm spending money to come see you! Make an effort here, please!
Anyway, today I checked United (before I even got the Travelzoo email announcing United's big sale) and found a GREAT deal on my ticket! Not to mention, gf said she'd take Friday off, so I am going out there Thursday night. Yay!
So, to recap, I have: 1. A good deal on airfare, 2. A long weekend with my gf, 3. No resentment because she will take time off to hang with me.
Yay!!! I love cheap airfare. And good friends. And combining the two just makes me giggle uncontrollably. I actually did a little dance in my cube before.
