Corporate Peon: June 2005

Thursday, June 30, 2005

Lighten Up!

I loved all the comments the previous post generated. Feel free to keep 'em coming, but I'm going to move on to fluff stuff.


I did not bet on any horses. I ate yummy nachos and drank a cold beer (okay, and a cold margarita) and got my shoulders sunburned. Don't worry, it's not bad, but thanks for your concern. I also continued the stripe thing I have going on - the front of my legs are tan and the back, not so much. Shrug. Maybe that will be this weekend's plan.

After Racetrack

I went shopping. Bought an adorable orange flowered skirt with a ruffle, which is actually cute, despite sounding like puke. Bought a denim skirt and a white shirt, too.


Finally got my ass back on the treadmill tonight. Since running group officially ended for the session, I've been slacking - this was only the 3x out since last Tuesday (6/21). However, I am continuing to increase the amount of time I'm running, which is good. Tonight I walked 5, ran 5, walked 5, ran 7.5, walked 2.5, ran 7.5. I'm very anal about the timing and like to start everything on nice round whole even numbers. Shut up. The other day, I did 10 minutes, but just couldn't hack that tonight.


I have no set plans right now. A few things I'm tossing around, but nothing in stone. Tomorrow should be a short day at work, made shorter by the fact of my lunch date. If I'm in town over the 4th, I usually go to a nearby parade; I'll have to look into the schedules.


I should have many pictures to post, possibly this weekend, if I get off my ass. Graduation was last weekend, and I still need to tell you about that, along with the reception work had yesterday. Then there's also pictures of various things around the casa that I want to show you, like my monster girl painting from Aimee's sister Kate, and the wall hanging from Costa Rica, and possibly my fab red couch with a new painting on the wall above it (assuming I get the picture hung this weekend).


There's a reason I don't keep soda in the house - I drink it like I'm being paid. I bought three cases last weekend for the 'rents, when they were here, and so I can take it into work. Except that I drink about 5 cans a night. Not good!

Alright, that's all the (boring) news that's fit to print!

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

The Universe is Shaped Exactly Like the Earth

I think I've made a new friend at work. She's New Girl, the one I've been mentoring. I'm cautiously optimistic, but I think I really like her. She's competent and capable and funny and smart and sarcastic. She's also dealing with some shit right now.

Here's the story, from her point of view, which I have no reason to doubt:

Her son, D, is 19yrs old. Works at a local arcade part-time and when he's not working, is at home playing his video games. He's mild mannered, quiet, reclusive. Never had a girlfriend. Doesn't smoke, do drugs, drink, etc.

A group of girls came up to D while at work one day, saying their friend J liked him. J & D ended up hooking up.

Problem was, they hooked up in his car. In front of her house. And the cops caught them.

Now, you're probably thinking, so what? Indecent exposure at best, right? Well, the girl is only 14. A minor.


D, being an honest kid, screwed himself over by admitting to the cops that he knew she was 14. J's parents pressed charges. D was charged with secondary sexual abuse (I think).

J submitted a statement saying that everything was consensual...but then she retracted the statement.

D's options are to a) Plead guilty to the abuse charge and end up marked as a sexual offender, b) Plead guilty, hope the charge is reduced, and possibly still end up marked as a sexual offender (depending on what the charge is dropped to), or c) Go to trial.

Oh, but wait! It gets better! New Girl has a 2yr old daughter. If her son is charged as a sexual offender, he can't live with her if her daughter does. Her daughter can't live with her if he does. (This last part is largely speculation; I don't know if her lawyer has confirmed this yet.)

New Girl is in the midst of a divorce. She's worried that her soon-to-be-ex might make some noise and try to take daughter away from her. Not to mention, as a single mom with two kids - daughter is in therapy every day, I'm not sure for what, but there's physical therapy, and speech therapy, and another kind - she's kind of broke. Now she has a lawyer's bills on top of everything else.

Granted, her son made some huge mistakes. But this is getting really big - to be branded as a sexual offender means his life won't ever be the same. The next court date isn't for 5 weeks; there's really nothing she can do in that time, but she's trying.

"Everything that keeps me together is falling apart."

I Heard the News Today...

...first, yay Canada! Why can't we be so smart?

Canada’s House of Commons OKs gay marriage

Next, this is a BIG oops. A Taiwan stock trader mistakenly bought $251 million worth of shares with a mis-stroke of her computer, meaning her company is looking at a paper loss of more than $12 million and she is looking for a new job. Whoops. Best of luck there, Sparky.

In other news...summer time means many outings from the insurance factory. Tomorrow, my area is going to the racetrack - horse racing. Blech. I'll sit in the sun, pretend to like some of my teammates, and go home early. There's one boat cruise from downtown in July, with a second one in August. There's two picnics in August. A Cubs game in July. Since I'm kind of straddling two divisions right now, I have twice the fun. I'll be hard pressed to get any work done!

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

It's Just Not Fair

A very good friend of mine, V, has been an unofficial 'auntie'/mentor to two siblings from Milwaukee. The girls' mother is in jail; the father is virtually non-existent. The oldest girl - N - did not graduate high school, has a baby, and lives with her drug-dealing boyfriend. The younger of the two siblings, S, just graduated high school this year at age 19.

S has been at home, taking care of the house, her two younger siblings, and her nephew. S asked V if S could come and live with V and her hubby for the summer. She needed a break, needed to be away from the family, needed stability.

V & hubby said yes. S got there last week. So far, S has applied for multiple jobs, been sweet and friendly, and run errands with V and enjoyed the company.

S signed up for two summer school classes; she was also going to volunteer somewhere while looking for a job. The agreement with her staying for the summer was that she would have to either take classes and volunteer, or take classes and work, or keep busy in SOME regard.

S's first summer school class started yesterday. The same day she was offered a job. The same day she found out she was pregnant.


S has been pregnant before, but never carried to term. Unlike her sister N, S didn't intentionally try to get pregnant, and doesn't really want a baby. However, she feels strongly against abortion and will most likely try to have the baby. And because her job would be part-time, she wouldn't have health insurance. And the county that V lives in doesn't have the same health coverage for uninsured people that S's town does, so she may need to leave classes, leave her job, and go back home just to have health care.

This whole thing sucks. S is trying hard to make a new start. V is trying hard to help. Not to mention, V has been trying to get pregnant for a year now with no luck, so this is hard from that perspective, too.

I think what gets me most is that this could have been prevented. Easily. Yes, accidents happen, but they're a lot more likely when you're not diligent about birth control.

I'm not trying to suggest that having kids ruins your life, and I'm not saying that being a single mother ruins your life. But when you're 19, with no job skills, no familial support, no's certainly not easy.

Monday, June 27, 2005

Will No One Stay Awake With Me?

I kinda always knew I'd end up your ex-girlfriend
So much for my happy ending
I'm not as strong as when I started
Then I was inspired

Even the best fall down sometimes
Nothing matters when you're broken
It's a long way down
And you know it might not be that bad

This Ain't No Joke

When my team first moved to this building, the women's bathroom in our area smelled like ass. Get it? Yeah, it really rotted. It had a chemical smell to it that was overpowering.

At one of the team meetings, I brought it up to my team leader, a somewhat dirty old man. Here's the conversation that followed:

TL: Everyone's found their way around here? Bathrooms, cafeteria, meeting rooms? Any problems with anything?
KtP: Um...well, there is one thing. The bathroom kind of smells.
TL: (Laughs) And what do you want me to do about that? Ban beans from the cafeteria?
KtP: No, it really smells. Like chemicals.
TL: You're serious?
KtP: I'm very serious! The bathroom smells, like...well, like natural gas.

And it really did

Sunday, June 26, 2005

Passive Aggressive

I mentioned to someone the other day that I sometimes feel as if I've forgotten how to interact with others. I mean sure, I smile and hold the elevator even if I'm fuming inside, and I don't throw things or chant incantations at the office, but as far as basic conversation...sometimes I feel as if all this time on my own has turned me into somewhat of a recluse.

I commented to my conversation partner that I thought it was because I was selfish and only thought about what I wanted to talk about, or didn't want to talk about (if I don't want to hold a conversation, make small talk - I won't. I'm comfortable with uncomfortable silences.), and the person was suprised by that comment. As I don't normally talk about myself to that person, s/he didn't think of me as selfish.

I've gotten very good at deflecting questions or queries. Someone can ask me what I did this weekend, and I'll pick the most banal part of all in order to not have to detail it. And then I'll immediately turn it around to what they did this weekend, and query them on that so that a) the focus is off me, b) they are forced to talk, and c) it's harder for them to turn the conversation back around to me.

It seems unselfish, but the intent is selfish. Talk about you so I don't have to, please.

If I really said what I thought, or what I did, or just answered honestly, I would be booted on my ass so quickly. And I don't just mean at work, I mean...from 'polite society' in general.

Example: Someone gives a shitty speech and asks me how they did, saying the usual "Oh I was so nervous, how bad was it" type of compliment-seeking crap. I'm not going to lie and say they were great; I'm not going to be honest and say they sucked. Instead, I'm going to comment on a point they made in the content of their speech, or make a generic suggestion about eye contact - something innocous so that I'm saved from outright lies while also being saved from outright honesty.

Would it hurt them if I were upfront about their suckiness? Perhaps. It might help, also, but I'm a chickenshit. Ask me what I think about something, and I'm likely to either make a general statement or state that I have no opinion. And then see if you're asked what you think about it.

Is it something I can impact, or is it going to happen regardless of my opinion? Why should I tell you I don't want you wearing blue, if you're going to wear blue anyway? And if you're going to wear blue, how does that impact me to the point that I need to talk about it? You live your own life and make your own choices; who am I to tell you what to wear?

I don't know my own mind, and what I know, well, it's a little...kinked up in here. Too many coils to step over, too many cords to unwind. I spend time doing that, but the more I expose it to others, the more they'll see how much work needs to be done. And who wants that?


Why is it that sometimes, the things that are good, hurt more than the things that are bad?

Um...actually, looks like that's the only question I have right now.

Night, kids.

Saturday, June 25, 2005

Cleaning House

Last week, I cleaned out numbers from my cell phone that I haven't called (or been called from) in months. (I originally wrote 'been called by,' but of course that's not right, for numbers never call anyone. See how that works?) About 12 sets of digits hit the dust. There's one more I should get rid of, but that number has been used lately. It just...shouldn't have been.

You ever notice how the more you try to hold on to something, the faster it slips away?

I also went through my online bookmarks and deleted sites that I don't visit anymore. Some folks stopped updating as often as I wanted, and I got tired of constantly checking. Others were just things I kept tabs on, that I don't need to anymore.

Sometimes I just need to take stock of things in my life - be they phone numbers I'm holding on to, or websites, shoes or people - and see what kind of value they're adding. If you only bring me down, or only invoke negative feelings in me - why should I keep you around? If I only feel poorly around or because of you - then I don't need that. I'm more than capable of making myself feel poorly; take your brand of it elsewhere.

The flip side is - or, perhaps, a flip side - is the value I add to others' lives. Who knows what that is? Is that for me to worry about? I have enough to worry about, you need to do some, too, you know.

If I don't add value to your life, cut me off. That's what I do, why should you be any different?

There are different types of values, and different types of people, and we don't all do it for everyone else. I might be the bee's knees (not to put too fine a point on it / say i'm the only bee in your bonnet) to someone, while at the same exact moment in time, be the devil incarnate to someone else. And that's all okay.

Are you okay?

Friday, June 24, 2005

Hi Ho, Hi Ho,

I'm home from ca-sin-ooooosssssss

Have I mentioned yet that I love slot machines?

My eyes are a little crossy and I think I have carpal tunnel.

A good day was had by all.

More to say, but I need to figure out a) directions from Madison to Navy Pier and whether they can include a Metra or park-and-ride, b) directions from my casa to Navy Pier and whether they can include a Metra or park-and-ride, c) what time one should leave from the respective locals in order to be at the Grand Ballroom at the appropriate time, which of course varies for the parties involved.

Keep in mind, Taste of Chicago started today. There is a 'Wired' magazine conference this weekend. I believe there are Sox and Cubs games this weekend.

Ah yes, downtown Chicago in June. The fun never quits.

Thursday, June 23, 2005

Lazy Daze

I've been at work for four hours now and it feels like 20. I so don't feel like working today.

My old boss doesn't either; she came 'round and we chatted about the weight-loss pills she, her daughter, and hubby are all taking. I watched '30 Days' last night (Morgan Spurlock's TV show). Last night's episode had a guy trying growth hormone, testosterone shots, and like 41 daily supplements, in addition to a strenuous workout routine, trying to get back into shape.

After two weeks, his liver functions were abnormal, and he went from shooting 80million spermies into a cup to having a completely blank shot, with only 1million spermies, all of them dead.

Scary shit, man.
I'm still doing my running. The group officially ended this past Tuesday, and the next session doesn't start until mid-July. I'm determined to keep going on my own in the interim. Last night though, I only spent 25 minutes in the fitness room because there was a couple in there who annoyed me. Each was on a treadmill, and each had their own headphones. So why she felt she needed to sing along is beyond me. Not to mention why he felt dancing would be enjoyable for the rest of us. So he's swinging his hips and making arm motions on the treadmill next to me, she's on his other side, singing along. Yeah. I couldn't take it.
Today is my last day at work this week! Tomorrow is Gambling Day! Now, you might be thinking - she gambles an awful lot. I don't, actually, and that's on purpose. This is my 4th trip this year. Yeah, okay, maybe that's a lot to you, but for me...nuh uh. I love love love slot machines and so I ration my trips. Tomorrow will be a big one. A full day trip! I need to be up early and at my friend's so we can be on the road by eight. Yeah, so much for sleeping in on my day off! But I'm looking forward to it.
My old boss-now friend, E, called last night. She might be moving into a new area of the company and would want me to think about going with her. Hmmm...something to ponder. Nice to have opportunities.
I just sat outside for lunch. It's so beautiful. There's a fountain that runs into a pond, swans, walkways, and all sorts of nice trees and tables. Only problem is, after being out in that, who wants to come back in?
I feel asleep yesterday by the pool in my apt complex. I can almost guaran-damn-tee you that will happen again today.
A woman at work complimented me the other day. She wagged her finger at me and said, "You have the cutest skirts!" Yay! And when she saw me today, she nodded and said, "Very cute." I'm in a short black skirt with white piping on it, a bright pink shirt, and black open-toed shoes with white piping. This skirt is tight, but not as tight as it was a few months ago...Yay me!

Doctor, Doctor, Give Me Some News...

A few weeks ago I mentioned that some medicine I had was burning me. It was really an interim solution - Doc had given something to try while the results of the urinalysis were being done.

A few days later, the nurse called to tell me they lost my 'sample' and I would need to redo. First of all, how do you LOSE urine and/or blood? I've had both happen to me, and that scares me. Second of all, oh goody, more peeing in a cup. That's right, nothing I like more.

So I do, and they keep track of my cup and the results, and call me in a prescription. FINALLY some relief. Except, once the meds are gone, there's no relief, and I'm just as miserable as I was pre-meds. Well, probably more miserable, actually, since now I can remember what it feels like to not have pain.

So I went in for my post-med peeing-in-a-cup-and-being-stuck-numerous-times-with-needles fun on Monday. I'm desperately hoping they call today with news (and a new, longer prescription!) because I'm off tomorrow and I'm really really really miserable.

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

In 3...2...1...

I was really open once, in my cryptic way. You picked up on it, called me on it. Since then...nothing.
I don't know what to do, when I want to be a part of these groups whose membership is not available to me. I hate that I want it, and I don't even want it for the right reasons, but I still want it. And that I can't have it eats at me.
Nervous breakdown commencing in 3...2...

Monday, June 20, 2005


I love Rolling Stone for a number of reasons. One of which is the fact that I just learned about panties with a built-in GPS system.

Yes, you read that correctly.

Yes, they're a real thing.

Yes, they're supremely expensive.

But, if suspect your wife of giving a little extra at the office, or if your daughter is 13 going on 30...these might just let you keep them under lock and key without that pesky, cumbersome chastity belt.

And the best part is, she won't even know! Protect her privates now! (Well, not now, since they're all sold out, but you get the picture.


Another reason I like RS: they usually have a hot, half-dressed chic on the cover. This edition's hottie is Jessica Alba.

Unfortunately, I'm not a fan.

She complains in every interview about how fat she is. Bitch, shut the fuck up before I force feed you some lard. While sitting on you. You feel fat now, hoe?


There's a serious article in RS about abstinence that I need to comment on, but that will have to wait, as my mojo's not working right now.

So instead, let me rip on my new obsession - Date My Mom. A late-teen, early-twenties guy has three dates with three moms, while they each try to sell their daughters to him. Metaphorically speaking, of course. At the end of the three dates, the guy picks a daughter for a date based on what the mom said and how they clicked.

And of course, how they looked.

One date, the guy and the mom are in a bikini shop - anything here your daughter would look good in, he asks?

Does your daughter like to work out? What does she look like? Is she a girly girl?

From telling the dates that she (mom) bought her daughter her first vibrator, to telling the date that the daughter models in FHM, the show is all about how to tell the guy that the daughter is smokin', without being too blatant.

What a crock. What kind of mom would ply their daughter that way?

And why can't I stop watching?

Sunday, June 19, 2005

She Said I Could Have Two Wives

I met the Lane family Saturday night. That's right. La familia de Lois, or some such. It was quite the time.

First - and Lois, you knew I had to do it - were the directions. There were phrases used such as "maybe First Street-ish," and "turn left at the t-intersection. It's unmarked, but might be Fisher Street." "Don't turn at the alley - turn at the first side street. It's unmarked. Don't turn too early or you'll drive into a house."

I was a bit...nervous, shall we say, of ever finding my way there. But I did with no problems at all!

Now, the family...if you've seen any of Lois's pictures on her Flickr account, you'll know that Mr. Lane is a certified hottie. There's a picture up of him in Lane 2's room that made me wanna go lick it. Despite being cute with his spiky 'graying' hair, he's also a very nice guy. Sense of humor, manners, and he seems to really like his wife. Go figger.

Lane 1 is adorable. Kind of looks like a young Frankie Munoz, but blonder. He's a smartass like Momma, and helpful and cheerful. Of course, this could be partly due to the fact that he's not 13 until next week, but...we won't worry Lois about that, will we? :)

Lane 2 looks like her momma. Actually, both kids do, and they're lucky to have such good genes. We all know that Lois herself is smokin', and Grandpa Lane is a looker, too. Grandma Lane, also, was a knockout. Stupid fucking kids with their good genes.

Ahem. Lane 2. Right. She's extremely friendly and outgoing - which surprised me, cuz when I was 10, the last thing I wanted to do was hug - let alone talk to - a stranger. Both kids are far too smart for their own good - some of the comments they made were so right-on for the situation, I was stunned.

There was Guido, of course, the really really sad, really really old white cat who talks. (Sure he does.) He's scrawny and drooly and I loved him immediately.

The Lane Abode was very homey and welcoming. I saw no evidence of 'dirt so thick you could plant flowers in it,' and I was impressed that Lois is so open as to allow her son to have a naked wood burning picture of herself in his room. Rock on, sister.

We had dinner at a nice Italian place, Aldo's, where we were all treated like royalty by Aldo himself. I do believe he even flirted with me - dirty old man! Who am I kidding, I loved it. Mr. Lane got a little fresh with me himself as we shared tiramisu. Give that man a couple beers and he'll eat anything, wink wink.

Lois shared some of her work with me, including an incredible children's story that NEEDS to be illustrated and thrown upon the masses. She has quite the impressive portfolio, and some of her pictures were just amazing. That includes ones from the roadtrip (baby goats! doggy-style prairie dogs! Sad little Baby Johnston!) as well as ones from her photo-for-hire days.

I had a great time. I felt like one of the family and was completely comfortable. I just wish they didn't live so far away, but once that road construction is out, Lane family! Lois, I hope you had a GREAT birthday. Thanks for inviting me to join the celebration.

Thursday, June 16, 2005

Work - Update

I haven't said much about work lately, so here goes. I had a really good day today; exhausting, apparently, as I snoozed on the couch after work, but a good day.

I have a new boss, M, effective 6/1. I wasn't thrilled about this when I initially found out, as he struck me as pompous and brash, but so far so good. I've actually been fairly impressed. I scheduled a one-on-one with him for tomorrow so I can tell him that I need to be more busy rather than less, and let him know the discussions I had with old boss about getting me promoted. Ever since he stepped into his new role, he seems to be asking for my opinion and leaning on me, so hopefully he knows what he's got.

I also have a new boss over him, J. We - our division of 50ish - had an offsite team building on Tuesday. I really, really like J. He's engaged and enthusiastic and seems extremely sincere. I had worked with him prior to him taking this role and so he knows me as capable already, which is great.

I won a $5 Blockbuster card today.

My area released a new product in March to about 5 states. We then released the same product in May to 5 states, and are going out to 7 states in August. The March release wasn't mine, and I inherited the May release partway through. August has been mine the entire way. About 3 days after the March release was live, our Pricing people (yeah, they set the prices), realized they gave us (my side - Technology) incorrect info and we had to scramble to fix it. Not too big a deal - people make mistakes. Except, they made the SAME MISTAKE with the May release. This time, they noticed 5 days later, and again, we had to scramble to fix it. Nothing like charging people 3x what you intended. So yesterday, I decided to be an ass and ask Pricing to double check what they gave us for August. Lo and behold, they found a mistake! My bosses were SOOOOOO impressed that I had them double-check and pre-empted a problem while there's still time to fix it. Not a big deal, really, and I shouldn't have had to do it, but it was a good move nonetheless.

This week marks my 5yr anniversary with the company. The 'service awards' for 5yrs are mediocre at best - do I want a 9' x 7' tent? What about a Lladro swan? I opted for the Panasonic portable MP3/CD player. Yeah, baby. I sent a card to the guy who helped get me hired here. His ex-wife was a co-worker of mine at the place I was at before this company. B wrote a program that I tested for him, and got to know me through that. He hated our old company and willingly shopped my resume around here.

I think I get another 5days vacation now, too, as I hit 5yrs.

Tomorrow we're taking one of the contractors on my team out to lunch, as it's her last day. I'm inheriting some of her work, which I haven't really kept up on, but it shouldn't be hard to pick it up and run with it.

All in all, things in CubeLand are going fairly well right now.

* Update *

New boss's boss, J, actually just came by to personally wish me a happy anniversary. He knew that the actual date is Sunday, and the card I received is actually hand written and personal. Yep, I like him lots.


-- Twice, now, I've opened up to you, only to have it ignored. You of all people should know that I don't open up easily. Now I don't ever want to again with you.

-- I love sending people surprises, but I hate not hearing back from them. I sent a book to a friend on 5/26; I told you about that. I have not yet heard if she even received it. Great, thanks. It's not that I want praise for doing it, but an acknowledgement that it was received would be nice, so I know if I have to kick Amazon's ass or not.

-- I've mentioned before how it can often be a good thing, to not get what you want. Sure, it's next to impossible to realize that at the time, but hindsight is 20/20, as they say. (Whatever that means, and whoever they are.) For example: BBB is annoying me. I'd still fuck his brains out any day of the week, but he's been a pain lately. For another: I cannot date a guy who can't spell. I don't need the Spelling Bee Champion of the world, but I do need basic spelling skills.

-- I'm meeting with my financial advisor Friday morning. He's a young guy, barely my age. I would like more personal attention from him, but since he's only getting commission on my account, and since I'm not exactly a high-roller, I'm not sure how to broach this. But our once-a-yr meetings need to become more frequent.

-- I bought new running shoes yesterday and had a great customer service experience. The place was a small shop, not a chain. It closed at 7. I got there at 6:55 and saw the doors were still open. I said I needed new shoes, never done this before, I could come back. No no no, said the part-owner, I'll help you. She was great. Personable and encouraging and knowledgable. I walked out with a new pair of shoes and two pairs of socks. Of course, it's in her favor to be helpful, but they aren't always.

-- I still haven't made a decision about a car. BBB is on my nerves about that, too. I know he just cares, but it's not as if my car is held together with paper clips. It will last a little bit longer. I hope.

-- This weather is pissing me off. I have all these new cute skirts to wear, and suddenly it's barely 70 degrees out!

Monday, June 13, 2005

Dear _____,

I'm not sure if you've noticed a change in me or not. But I've become a little...bored with our relationship. It doesn't really change much, does it? I give you my thoughts, feelings, jokes, tears, and you just sit there and take them. It doesn't matter if I'm frustrated with you or with something else; your response is always the same.

I'm not blaming you; just stating the facts. I've been kind of lax with my other relationships, too. I'm not putting as much into them; in fact, there are a few I could name right now that I've let slip. Not for any particular reason, but just because...I don't know that I care enough to continue. That sounds terrible, doesn't it? It's not that I don't care about them, it's that...I've just lost interest. Momentum. Sympathy. Yeah, that still sounds terrible.

I don't know if those on the other side have even noticed, but if they have, I feel badly. It's nothing personal, it's It's not them, it's me.

I've been having trouble lately putting words around my thoughts. I've been having trouble lately putting thoughts around my feelings. I think I've even been having trouble feeling. I don't know; nothing's changed but something's changed, you know?

It's hard when people ask how I am, for I don't rightly know. I mean, nothing's wrong, but again, something's wrong.

No, of course there's nothing you can do. I just am feeling unsettled right now, and felt I needed to explain. No, not quite explain - more like, explore? I don't know. Maybe I just needed to rant a little.

And that's what we do. I rant, you take it. It usually works for me.

It won't always be this way. Right?

My Summer Weekend by Kate the Peon

I left work early on Friday and drove up to my sister's house in Madison. Leaving work early is so the way to go. The traffic didn't suck at all and I got there all cheerful and shit instead of hating like I usually do after making that drive.

We went out to eat that night at a place downtown, appropriately named Madison's. (We couldn't eat at a chain, a place that pays minimum wage, or a smoky bar-type restaurant. So we opted for unintentional mediocrity.) About 30 seconds after having our food brought out to us (we were taking advantage of the breeze), we noticed a few rain drops and decided to pack it up and bring it inside. Our food missed a drenching by thissss much. It was still pouring when we left and we had a few blocks to walk towards the car. I took my time, enjoying the summer storm. It is, however, rather hard to walk in a downpour when you're wearing slip-on shoes. I almost slipped and broke my shit numerous times. I was thissss close to taking them off and going barefoot, but that would have been icky.

As it was getting late and all of the stores we wanted to visit were closed, AND it was still pouring, we stopped at Big Lots to pass some time. Big Lots, if you don't know, is the receptacle of 'failure' food - the rejects that can't sell anywhere else. The peanut butter baking bars (like butter, only...peanut butter). The Quaker Oat Squares with Hebrew translations on the box. The tamarind soda. The cashier informed us that the best 'failure' food ever was pina colada flavored Almond Joys, but of course they were out of those.

We went home after that and ate our candy (chocolate covered Cracker Jacks, anyone?) and watched The Pirates of the Caribbean with Turkish subtitles.

Saturday, sister & I shopped. We had lunch at Cheeseburger in Paradise, which was quite kitchy. After that, we shopped some more. I bought nothing all day but new underwear (yes, I'm on a new underwear kick).

After picking up BIL, we went through the drive-thru at Culvers to pick up dinner for friends who have a 2wk old baby. We brought dinner over to them (note: 5 separate orders is not an easy thing to do via drive-thru) and talked and watched the baby. (Note: sleeping babies are boring.)

After that, BIL, Sister & I sat at the Terrace. (Awesome picture of it on that guy's site, whoever he is.) A band was playing, there was beer and popcorn and plenty of outside seats. It was quite nice being on the water, people watching and chatting. I told a story that involved the line "I just can't get enough corn in my stool" and was rewarded with laughs.

Sunday, sister & I shopped again. I parted with a $35 store credit and $60 of my own money on four skirts, three shirts, and some t shirts for running. We came home and ordered Glass Nickel pizza - mmm.

All in all, a decent enough weekend. There were some bad parts - I have a bruise on my arm where their hyper Greyhound nipped me - and there was some frustration with sister, but it was pretty darn good overall.

Sunday, June 12, 2005

Choices Part 1

There are some people in our world who feel that homosexuality is a choice. They don't understand why others would make that choice, living as we do in today's world, where homophobia, hate crimes, and general discrimination make living with such a choice harder than living should be.

I'm not here to debate homosexuality. I think you all know where I stand on that subject. I'm here, instead, to debate a different choice - obesity.

Yeah, I know, there are thyroid issues out there, and other glandular problems. I'm not touching those.

I'm talking about the everyday people who are F.A.T. Whose BMI (body mass index) is greater than 30.0. Who know they are overweight, but yet don't seem to have the discipline, the willpower, the sheer will to lose the weight that puts their health at risk.

Obese people don't live the same life that 'normal' people live. Finding clothes can be an unhappy challenge. Fitting into seats on buses, cabs, planes, can be uncomfortable. Walking can be a problem. Eating in public can get you stares. And forget about being hit on at the bar, not to mention how hard maintaining a healthy self-esteem is.

So why, then, would anyone 'choose' to be obese? I've always thought that if a guy doesn't want to date me because I'm not the media-perfect image of beautiful, then that's fine - that's not a guy I would want to date anyway. The truth is, though, that I'd like the option.

And yes, I'm making generalizations. But there are some truths to what I say.

I know what it takes to lose weight. Burn more calories than you take in. Simple enough, right?

God, I hope so.

Thursday, June 09, 2005


I stole this idea from Vince. These are some of my Googlisms:

katey is an entrepreneur and mama with a decidedly intense (I'm a mama? Why didn't someone tell me! and intense what, exactly?)
katey is still young and crazy (spot on!)
katey is pregnant again (MORE kids I don't know about?)
katey is quiet and introspective (at times)
katey is very long (hehehe)
katey is my pet (so pet me, damnit!)
katey is a traveller (yep)
katey is ida's favourite mount (I don't know what this means, but I like it)
katey is trusted by 33 members (members. cool)
katey is a very understanding mother and she stands in close relation to her four children (enough with the kids!)
katey is cute (yeah, baby)
katey is not nearly as visible but she is just as high (I haven't been high in quite some time. But I'm always visible.)
katey is one of a number of older people who appear in a 30minute video (they told me they wouldn't use my real name!)
katey is my ideal (awwwww)
katey is a sexy tigress and school girl rolled into one (you know it)
katey is soft and rather round (sigh. yep.)
katey is old enough take care of herself (damn right)
katey is only 18 & she's 2 months pregnant (I'm warning you...)
katey is such a great person to talk to (aw, shucks)
katey is so demanding and difficult to work with that gail is giving up (fuck you too, gail)
katey is forced to understand her own isolation as she struggles to come of age (It's not a fun task.)
katey is wetting the bed and hiding behind the teacher at school (Piss yourself once, and no one forgets it...)
katey is swallowers casino bonus (I'm a...wha?)
katey is joho's girlfriend (are you the fucker who keeps getting me pregnant?)
katey is a hermaphrodite it seemed appropriate to dress her as a character that changes sex when splashed with warm or cold water (I'm perturbed)
katey is gone (bye for now!)


We get it. I get it. Can you stop now? Please? Go bask silently where I do not have to bear witness to your gloating happiness. It's not that I want you to be unhappy, or that I even want your particular brand of happiness for myself. I just can't stand to have it thrown about all the time.

The Story of M

M1 is my oldest friend. Old as in time, not age - I've known her since kindergarten. We stayed friends up through 4th grade, when her mom walked out on the fam and divorced her dad. M1 and M2 (lil sis, about 3yrs younger than M1) moved with dad, new step-mom, twin step-brothers and step-sister up north. I saw the girls every so often when they'd take the train down to see mom, who still lived in my town.

M1 and I wrote a bit over the years. During my time in NoDak through when I was at college, we'd write, send some pics, lose touch, get back in touch, email, lose touch, etc etc.

About 2.5 yrs ago, M1 and I got back in touch yet again. We found out we lived only an hour from each other, and spent some time getting reacquainted. I met M1's fiance, hung out with M2 a bit, etc etc.

M1's wedding came around. I went to the bridal party - hell, I even helped set it up. I went to the bachelorette party. I went to the wedding last May.

After the wedding, I called M2 three times within a month, inviting her to do something with me each time, as we live about 15 minutes from each other. Each time, she declined. After #3, I stopped calling, feeling somewhat foolish in continuing to extend invititions. M2 (and M1) had my phone number and my email, and yet, she has not used either since the wedding.

I saw M1 once since the wedding. Other than a thank-you note and a Christmas card, I had not heard from her at all.

Until Memorial Day weekend. M1 called that Friday (5/27); I was on my way to my folks' house, music blaring. I called her back within a week (6/2). I have not yet heard back from her.

I'm a bit confused about all this. M1 and M2 and I had both had conversations about how hard it was to form a group of friends in a new area; we all agreed that we liked hanging out, that it was good to be social even when we may not feel like it; that we lived too close to not get together.

So, wtf happened? I didn't get drunk and embarrassing at the wedding, so that's not an excuse...I just don't get it. And though both M1 and M2 could help my social life quite a bit, I'm inclined to decline any invites they may now send my way.

Assuming, of course, that M1 calls me back. Ever.

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Aruba, Jamaica, Ooh I Wanna Take You...

I'm generally a callous bitch. Someone loses their house in a hurricane? Hey, it happens. Someone's dad shoots them over a missed curfew? Yep, that sucks. Someone gets cheated out of their entire life's savings? Life's a bitch.

For reasons I don't understand, though, I'm starting to be bothered by the insanity in our world.

For instance, the Alabaman girl, missing in Aruba. This one really pains me. Beautiful girl, celebrating high school graduation with a hundred classmates. Missing. Presumed dead.

Why? No one knows yet. Why do I care? No one knows that, either.

Or take the Mother's Day stabbings, where a father stabbed his 8yr old daughter and her 9yr old friend to death. All because he disagreed with the mother's lift on grounding. I'm not trying to imply that any death has sense to it...but because these girls were so young, and because the reasoning was so weak, it seems especially heinous (to borrow a phrase from SVU). Maybe because Zion is barely an hour from me, so the news coverage was especially thick, did this have an impact on me. I don't know.

What I do know is that I'm awfully tired of this senseless violence. Can someone make sense of it? Please?

Monday, June 06, 2005

Not to...

...draw attention away from my serious-ish post below, but how is it that you can totally flirt with someone on the phone you don't even know?

I think that should be outlawed.

I don't want to flirt with you on the phone if a) I don't know what you look like, b) I don't know how old you are, c) I don't know if you're single or attached.

So please, let us enforce picture phones and biographies for all we speak to.

Thank you.

Saturday, June 04, 2005

Power Hour

Apparently, newly-turned 21yr olds in our fair country hit the bars at midnight on their birthdays. Those 21yr olds also apparently drink heavily prior to getting to the bar. They then continue to drink heavily while at the bar.

I know. All of this is shocking news, right?

Well, some states are trying to curb this trend by passing laws that forbid bars to allow 21yr olds into their establishments until 8am on their birthdays.

When I first read of the proposed laws, I thought "Yeah, right. Like states will let that fly."

Turns out, my beloved NoDak did. Minnesota may not be far behind.

The motive behind this law comes from deaths derived from binge drinking. Alcohol poisoning, that type of thing.

Okay. I get that binge drinking is bad, and looking back, I'm kind of surprised that none of my friends or I ran into that kind of trouble.

I'm sorry that kids died from binge drinking. can that law really be passed? How can you try to control someone's legal drinking? You may curb it for one night, but what about the other 364 in the year?

I know 40yr olds who drink to excess. Who's monitoring their alcohol intake? Who's monitoring the alcohol intake of those who binge drink in the comfort of their own homes? Who decided that ANYONE gets to monitor another's legal drinking?

Can't - Stop - Eating

Why is it that whenever you concentrate on losing weight, all you can do is think of food?

I'm not thinking of food as much as I am EATING it. I just can't seem to stop! And it's all crap too, because the irony is that I have NO real food in the house. I don't have much by way of crap food, either - mainly baking goods (coconut, mini marshmallows, chocolate chips). Things I don't really like plain or crave, but somehow that's not making much of a difference to me lately.

I did my running/walking this morning, but then of course I reversed all those benefits by eating movie popcorn, and far too much of it.

Grrr. I'd get groceries, but it's storming again. Maybe I'll go anyway; I have plans for most of tomorrow, and having food in the house is a surefire way to get me to cook real meals. Funny how that works, eh?

Friday, June 03, 2005

Yay for Indulgence

Had lunch out today. Bob Chinn's. No mai tai's, unfortunately. BBB and two other young coworkers. The conversation was full of laughter and sexual innuendos. Not to mention garlic - I can feel it oozing from my pores.

Talked to my college gf tonight for over an hour. I've been thinking a lot lately of a certain trick we used to pull in college...I'll write about that soon, I think. I wasn't always the nice polite demure girl I am now. :)

Went lingerie shopping at Target. Yeah, I'm high class that way. $70 on bras and panties, yay! Got two new 'sets,' a third bra, a sports bra, and about 5 other pairs of undies. Fun! Now I just need a boy toy to show them off to!

Taco Bell for dinner. Mmmm, don't deny it, you love the shit too.

Am in my summer jammies now, the one's mom bought me last year after my surgery. Glasses on, hair up, gonna go do some reading.

Have a good rest-of-the-night, peeps!

Thursday, June 02, 2005

Where did you go? One minute you're around, and the next...there's nothing. No response whatsoever. Did I scare you away? Are you mired in paperwork? Are you enjoying the start to your summer as best you can?

I don't know. I don't know anything, for there's no way for me to find out. It's just like it's been with all the other guys - they choose to leave, and I'm left with absolutely no way of finding out if they're even still alive.

I hate that.

I know you've been dealing with some things lately that are troubing you. I don't know what things, because of course you don't share, but I know things have been hard for you lately. Am I just selfish to expect a little of your time?

I'm disappointed in you. I...thought. Well, that'll curb that habit for a while.


It's often easy to tell when 'my' man's attention shifts from me to someone else. Maybe it was an oh-too-casual mention of having run into her at lunch that day; maybe it was seeing his hands on her back, desperate for just one touch; maybe it was the casual way he slipped in that he met her at a party, and did I know her well?

Generally speaking, I'm pretty smart. I don't always pick up on what the men in my life are puttin' down, but sometimes it's glaringly clear. Sometimes it smacks me in the face so hard I lose my breath, and I wonder why oh why didn't I see this coming? Why didn't I do something - ANYTHING - to protect what I wanted to be mine?

Sometimes it's amusing, to watch from a distance, as the dance is performed with delicate, tiptoeing steps. Sometimes it's amusing to watch the casual conversation and interaction, knowing that for at least one of the dancers, the conversation is anything but casual. The simplest conversation takes on deeper meaning. His eyes cut directly to her and don't let go, all while his hand is holding mine. It's sometimes fun to play the part of the enraptured lover - pretending I don't see what's in front of my face, pretending to be so caught up in him that he has no time left for her. Letting him linger as he tries to catch one last glimpse..."What's wrong, honey? Aren't you ready to leave?" Knowing that the words have a different meaning for me, and that my flippancy is only there to disguise my hurt. Knowing that the excuses are actually lies and that I'm thought to be too naive to see through to the truth.

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Dear _____,

I've been angry with you for some time now. I don't know quite what is driving that; I don't feel it's necessarily justified, and that only makes me angry with myself.

I'm sorry I didn't have much to say this weekend. There's just nothing that important, new, or note-worthy going on with me right now. I'm content enough, I just have nothing new to share. And I know your feelings on being content - to you, that's not good enough. Well, to me, that's often the best I can wish for. I don't want to rock the boat, reaching for happiness that I feel I won't ever get.

You said you needed two days to unwind, detox, do laundry, etc etc. You never said anything about the BBQ you hosted on Day 2 of your 'unwinding.' It wasn't that I wasn't invited; that I didn't care about, and you knew I wouldn't have come. It was that you chose it over me/us/them, and that didn't seem fair. It was hard enough to get you to agree to seeing us this weekend anyway, and then you cut it short - professing a need for R & R - when really you spent it with them. Maybe that is your R & R; maybe we're just work for you.

I don't find it fair. I know it's not easy to be with us; I know I don't help with that. It's not because I don't want to, it's because I seemingly can't.

And now, to find the same old excuses when it comes to getting together this month. I just find it so disparaging, so...well, rude of you. And hurtful.

You know I love you. And I know we're not always easy. But I need you to make an effort.

I wish I could send this to you.

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