Catfight Personified
Tonight at my running group (where I did four cycles of walking 5 minutes, then running 1.5 minutes), I totally personified the whole 'woman bringing woman down' scenario.
The other girl in my 'pace group' annoys me. Now, you should know by now that I'm no athlete (hello, big accomplishment to run for a minute and a half). I'm lucky enough though in that, even though I'm a big girl, I'm fairly compact. Yeah, I jiggle like your jello, but I'm solid at the same time. I don't look like I weigh what I do.
Well, this girl...she looks like what I would look like if I looked like I weigh what I do, which I think is why I dislike her - I don't WANT to look like that! Anyway, she's talking the whole time we're doing our thing with our 'leader,' (the official running group person who went with us tonight). All about how she ran the 5k before, and how she used to be able to run for an hour at a time, and all I can think is...
Yeah, right. I'm totally not buying it. I have no reason to disbelieve her except that I'm a catty bitch. I don't want to believe that someone bigger than I am can be more athletic than I am, cuz then that means I'm really pathetic.
What's with that? Why not be happy for her, proud of what she could do, glad that she's picked it back up, sad that she lost her previous ability? Of course, I was nice to her on the outside, but in my head...whoa.
What's with that, I ask again?
Time to start reading that book.
Seriously
Stupid Rude Girl is crying. AGAIN. At her cube.
At least when I have to cry at work, I go hide in the bathroom until I'm done.
And don't even give me that shit about how there's no crying at work. Yeah, I know, but sometimes shit happens and you just can't help it. Still, there's no need to put yourself on public display when it happens.
And it seriously happens (to SRG) far too often.
Catfight
That's the name of one of the books I bought yesterday. I haven't started it yet though; I started my other new book first (more on that later). But Catfight is about how and why women pick on other women.
Who of us hasn't done that? I see a skinny, beautiful girl wearing clothes that would show my rolls, and I'm the first to call her a bitch. Why don't I congratulate her on looking so good? Why don't I use her as motivation to get my own ass in shape? Why don't I realize that though she looks great on the outside, she very well may be a mess on the inside, or acknowledge that I've got good things to offer, too?
I don't know why I don't do those things. I know it's not fair of me to malign someone else out of jealousy (or for any reason/excuse, but jealousy is what is at play in this scenario). But that doesn't stop me.
Brighton wrote about this in a post a bit back. Women at a grocery store called her names because she's so hot, and they weren't. Brighton called them on it, which I think is completely fair. I never say things where the targeted woman could hear, but that doesn't excuse my behavior.
This type of woman-on-woman behavior (stay with me, pervs) certainly doesn't help women as a whole get ahead. It certainly doesn't promote sisterhood or unity or acknowledge that women collectively have a helluva lot of other oppressive forces at work. There's no reason we shouldn't band together to help support and encourage others.
I'm looking forward to reading the book, and I'm looking forward to looking into myself to help make myself a better person. If you're not going to support me, get outta my way.
He's Just Not That Into Me
PM has been after me to read the well-known book "He's Just Not That Into You." She felt it would end some of my angst about BBB. I skimmed through the book while at Barnes & Noble today, and damnit, she was right. If he were into me, there would be no stopping him from asking me out. I think I didn't read the book right away because I didn't want to have 'proof,' such as it is, that I've been reading too much into things. But, the proof is there, and there's no hiding from it. End of chapter.
I bought two 'girly' books today that I've already delved into. I'm sure they'll provoke thoughts of insightful questions from me that I'll encourage you to answer. :)
Friendship
I like to think I'm a good friend. I often do little things for my friends - cards. Special little messages. Sometimes even packages.
Tonight I mailed a card to a friend who's been feeling down. Nothing big, but I hope knowing that someone is thinking of him and wishing him well will cheer him up a little. Or at least make him smile.
Tonight I took a different friend (he-who-shall-not-be-named) to the airport.
Tonight I ordered a book for my best friend. For her, her self-esteem is tied tightly to her weight and appearance. She's gone through some rough times lately, and as a result, put on some weight. She started running again (she used to do a lot of it in college and immediately after) not too long ago, in a program very similar to the one I'm doing. She's run her first two 10k races and met her goal times in each. Tonight, she told me she's signed up for marathon training. I'm so freaking proud of her. I ordered her a good book that I got as part of my running program - "The Courage to Start." It's pretty encouraging - talks about how it doesn't matter how fast or far you are/go, what matters is that you're doing it at all. That runners come in all shapes and sizes and speeds. I hope she finds it encouraging on the days when her feet don't seem to move as she'd like them to.
Tonight I mailed little thank-you notes to my gfs in NoDak. I know there's no need to thank them for my birthday weekend, but it really was such a good time. I was so appreciative of their thoughtful present and really just their excitement and enjoyment in seeing me.
Sometimes being nice to others makes it easier to be nice to yourself.
Guys
Watching the "One Tree Hill" finale last night (shut up) (so what if I planned to watch it) (so WHAT if I might watch it again tonight) ( SO WHAT if I can't WAIT for the new season) reminded me that I used to have guy friends.
Growing up, I always had one or two close girl friends...and the rest were guys. In Cdale, there was Ben, who's now apparently a Chicago thespian and come a long way since his skater days. There was J, of course, my recently reacquainted with racist homophobic hick male slut. Brendan, the adorable preppy smart skater boy. Ex, of course. Monte, who married his high school sweetheart and is preparing to take Dupont by storm when he comes of age.
In NoDak, there was a time with no friends, but that changed quickly enough. Mike, who was my best friend's boy. Chris, the same best friend's step-brother. I was just as likely to talk on the phone with either boy as I was with any of the girls. Mike would often just drop by the house and we'd shoot hoops and chat. Chris would pick me up when we'd all go out.
College brought me another Ben, a tall, lanky beanpole who initially annoyed me, then became a close friend. His roommate, Pete, who had hair like a furry animal. FNG, of course, who I maintained a multiple-year flirtation with, neither of us truly sure we wanted to cross the friendship line.
After college, there was Kev, a boy I dated on and off for a few years. Johnny, of course, while we dated.
And then...there were none.
I miss that.
Things I've Read Recently
1. From a sign in my apartment building's elevator, telling tenants they cannot let their cats roam the building halls or grounds:
"Any cat seen on the premise without its owner will have its cat picked up by Animal Services."
Is this like babies having babies? Pets having pets?
2. This one's from a website of a girl my sister & I grew up with. The girl, Sarah, has a post on her blog slamming my sister for apparently treating her like shit while they attended the same college:
"At any rate, the joke's on Katey's Sister - I live in sunny Tucson and dated a famous trangendered [sic] folk-singer and am still super-cute so HA!"
My sister's sooooo jealous. She wishes she could have dated a famous transgendered person instead of marrying her straight hubby. You rock on with your bad self.
3. From a flier on my windshield at the mall, touting Sarah, the World's Most Powerful Psychic Astrologer:
"NEVER FAILS 99% ACCURATE" and "This miracle woman of God can help you."
Um...if she never fails...wouldn't that make her 100% accurate? And since when does God provide psychics? Ah, no worries - she's "HALF OFF with this ad."
Stupidity abounds, my friends.
Costa Rica Pics
Finally think I've got this figured out. Well, figured out enough to post some pics, not figured out enough to know how to tweak them and size them and all that crap. I forget what I've already told you about the trip, so you may know some of this already. Here's just a few:
This is the beach at Manual Antonio. There's not much else in MA; sure, there's a national park, but other than a few restaurants and souvenir shops, you go to MA for the beach.
This is one of the first monkeys I saw, in the park at MA. They were fairly tame; there's a picnic area partway in where the monkeys all gather to chitter and chatter and steal food. This one came within 4 ft of me - cheeky bugger!
This is the pension where I stayed in Santa Elena. This was the cheapest of all my hostels - $5 a night got a bunk bed in a room with its own bathroom and shower, right in the middle of town. Isn't it cute?
While in Santa Elena, I went not to the big cloud forest there, Monteverde, but to the smaller Selvatura cloud forest, where I walked the suspension bridges. Although for someone not crazy about heights, this was a little iffy. I was careful to not walk on the bridges when anyone else was on them, and there was one - the longest one, featured here - where I barely looked around at all. One foot in front of the other, all the way across.
This is the Arenal Volcano that is still active. Some days you can't see the top at all for the clouds. I have other as yet undeveloped shots of this, with the rocks tumbling down.
1. I'm disappointed in you. I feel...let down. I also feel uncertain, which I hate.
2. I slept for an hour on the couch after work. Of course, when I tried to actually sleep for the night in bed, nothing happens.
3. My medicine doesn't burn tonight, which I suppose is a good thing.
4. I generally find it very easy to cut people from my life. If you're cut and let back in, your access privileges will be greatly reduced. Hurt me once, shame on you; hurt me twice is not even a possibility. There's only been one exception to this that I can think of, and that was definitely enough to enforce this rule in future occasions.
5. It's funny sometimes how things work out. Perhaps I should amend that to explain that the result is not what's funny, but more how not getting what you want can turn out to be a very, very good thing.
I Had a Dream
I dreamt of you last night. I was afraid to look at you at first, afraid that I wouldn't like what I saw - afraid you wouldn't, either.
You were sandy-haired, which surprised me. You were taller than I had expected. You made me nervous, but in a good, butterfly-ish kind of way.
We sat at my parent's house - you, your sister (do you have a sister? I can't remember), and my mom. Yeah, don't ask. We had to lie to mom - heaven forbid she found out how we knew each other, what we did together, and your nationality (okay, she wouldn't care about that one, but it makes me giggle).
We managed to leave the house, our story intact. Tip-toeing through the dark to your house, avoiding all the dead deer that littered the paths. It was dark out, and the path was uneven, but you held my hand and I wasn't afraid,
Your house was amazing, much as I was finding you were. Your sister wrote me a letter, proclaiming her dislike for me. "How could you be good for my brother if you have to lie to your own mother about him?" Her words and the truth they carried stung.
-----
I know what it means, I know what it all means. Plans need to be made.
Shit or Get Off the Pot
That's what I tell my dad, everytime he talks about the VW bus he saw on eBay. "Just look at the picture! Isn't it beautiful?" he says. Uh huh. That thing's got more rust than...than...well, than something really rusty.
That's what I tell my dad, everytime he talks about the Vespa trip 'round Europe he wants to take. "Jesus, take the trip already! You're not getting any younger, so if you're worried about being too old, waiting around ain't gonna help!"
And now, that's what I'm telling myself, in regards to a) a new(ish) car, and b) BBB
I'm going to try to shut up about my car thoughts. No biggie, just not worth babbling on (and on, and on) about. My current car is still running, and really, that's all I need to know right now.
As for BBB, well...
I walked over to M's cube; she sits directly across from BBB. I needed M to school me on something, and phrased it as such. BBB heard and laughed at my ghetto-ness. He then called me over to him, close, and asked that magic question: "Do I lead you on or say too many suggestive things? Sometimes you look...contemplative."
Right then, of course, M called me back and we actually had to talk shop for a few minutes. When I turned to leave, BBB was watching me. I walked back over, and asked if he was waiting for an answer. He said yes, but he didn't expect to get one.
"Sometimes I'm confused. I don't know if I'd say lead...well...things that are said, sometimes...but in the end, I know the score, so it's not a big deal." He looked at me with those big brown eyes. "Really. I know where things lie, so I just try to blow stuff off."
"I'm sorry. That's not my intent, to confuse you."
"I know it's not, and that's why it's not a big deal. Really. I know which end is up." He just kept looking at me. I felt very...serious. Like, sure, it was a serious topic, but I felt...grave. That there was no laughter in my face, no smile lurking. "It's a fine line sometimes, this friendship thing," to which he nodded in agreement.
"Yeah, but it's not good if I'm sending mixed signals."
I hit him on the arm with my paper as I turned to leave. "Really, no big deal. It's not keeping me up at night."
So, no more BBB talk. At least not as far as I can help it.
Necessity
So by now you should all be aware that I'm bitter and cynical and begrudge others their happiness.
But is it really, REALLY necessary to hold hands in Target?
And while I'm at it, in a land of Fatty McFattersons, is it REALLY necessary for Wendy's to introduce a 3-patty burger? I'm far from being a health nut, but if a Jr. hamburger has 280 calories, then I'm guessing a TRIPLE patty burger will clog your arteries faster than you can swallow it down with a sip of your Frosty.
1. All I've eaten today are 3 cookies and a lot of cake. I should barf.
2. I did go exercise though. One minute into running on the treadmill, and my treadmill, the one next to it, and the TV just shut off. Good thing I have cat-like reflexes or I coulda been hurt. So, then I switched to the only other available treadmill, but it wouldn't keep up with the running, which actually sounds like I was going fast. So I just walked for 15 minutes. Shrug. Better than nothing.
3. I have not picked up a single damn thing today. I actually added to the mess by throwing my empty soda bottle behind me rather than in the overflowing trash. Tomorrow...right, Scarlett?
4. I looked online tonight for a new entertainment center. I really like the one I have but it's bowing in the middle as well as leaning to the side. Doesn't bode well. I did not find one I like that I will pay for (meaning, I found plenty I like, but I'm too cheap for those).
5. I realized that I really really like the Mazda RX8. Well, I've known I like it, but a comment from BBB yesterday got me thinking (damn him). I saw one in the lot and fawned over it, and he said that's as passionate about any car he's heard me be. So shouldn't I get what I really like? Except they're a bit pricier than what else I've been looking at. Not terribly so, but enough to make me think. I hate that.
6. Kim asked from the post below if BBB's 'indifference' comment bothered me. At first, I was offended. Indifference isn't exactly flattering. But is it better than rejection? I'm not sure. At least the door remains open, I guess, for sometime in the future. And I know that the indifference isn't personal - he's just not ready for something relationship-y. He did also make a comment about how he wasn't ready for something and has as such convinced himself of that. I dunno. I'm not sitting around waiting for him, but at the same time, no one else local has attracted me right now.
7. My sister and BIL come home tomorrow from 2 weeks in Turkey. I miss them! I'm used to talking to them (or at least her) every day. Get home already, damnit! (Get in mah belly!)
8. I have a goal. I have a turquoise silk dress that I wore to a wedding 5 years ago. I love the dress. I would really really like to fit in it for boss's daughter's wedding in July. I think 10-15 lbs would do it, and that is doable in the timeframe allowed. I should take the dress out of the closet and hang it up so I have a visual reminder. Oh, and I should also throw out the rest of the cake.
9. My old boss and friend (E) and I had lunch together yesterday.
E: Know what I appreciate about you?
KtP: Uh...nope
E: You use adverbs.
KtP: (Cracking up)
E: Seriously. Do you know how many people don't use adverbs? Take note over the next few days.
Yeah. I'm fairly well spoken. I have my folks to thank for that. With dad as an ex-reporter and mom as an ex-English teacher, they made sure I knew grammatical rules.
Disgruntled I Am
I'm...out of sorts. A bit sick, a bit crabby, a lot unfulfilled.
I test drove a Mazda3 last night. I liked it lots. It's not quite as sporty as I like, but I'd add a rear spoiler and that would help. The lava orange color that I like (shut up) isn't available in the M3, so I'd have to get something boring like titanium or green or something.
I don't know if I can swing it, though. My current car is paid for (thanks for the inheritance, grandma), so I haven't had to deal with a car loan. I don't know what I can afford. I mean, I know what I can afford, but I don't know how much I can afford without changing my lifestyle, and I don't want to change my lifestyle. I don't live extravagantly, but I have the freedom to pick up and do shit at the drop of a hat. Maybe I need to move on from that. I mean, really - would it kill me if I could only take one big trip a year? Would it kill me if I had to eat out less? Of course not. I just don't
want
to.
BBB & I had a covert conversation last night, sitting in the theater, watching the people pile in. "It's not rejection, it's just indifference right now," I was told. It's indifference to everyone in that regard right now. He just feels he needs and wants to get other parts of his life settled first before adding that dimension. I can understand that. But sometimes I ache when I'm with him. I fear I have a hard time being his friend without adding the other shit in, which makes me leery of spending time with him, which is why I never approach him. However, it doesn't explain why I always accept his offer of plans.
What does partially explain that is the chills I get with his leg pressed up next to mine. We basically snuggled last night; his excuse was that he'd rather lean on me than the stranger next to him. I moved away at one point, and he asked if he shouldn't touch me. I said no, that wasn't it, I just felt I was in his space (hell, my thigh was under his), and in response he stretched out on top of me. He is so physically beautiful.
I need to like someone attainable. I need someone attainable to like me.
I had an interesting conversation yesterday with one of my old bosses here. My current team is being moved back to my old division. I don't really care - it's the same job, but part of the deal means I'll have a new boss. Which is good, in that my current boss SUCKS, but bad in that I don't know the new one very well. Anyway, OLD boss and I talked about what I want to do - where I want to go. I'm getting a little burned out of my current role; it's been about 3 years. I've moved up through the levels, though, and while I'm not always enamored with it, I would like to reach the top level before moving on. I may have screwed myself in that respect with this last move - as about 6 of my old teammates got that promotion the last go-round, when I was already over here. I think I for sure would have received it then, but...oh well. This has been good for me in some ways.
I just don't know where I want to go with it. It's nice working for a big company, in that I have a lot of options, but...I don't know what I want. There's good and bad with every position, and right now I'm fairly content. Sigh. I hate this deep-thought kind of shit.
You
This isn't real /
But I get chills /
And I think things /
Why do I think things? /
They don't help /
And they aren't true /
But I want them to be /
So I let myself keep thinking them /
But the chills tell me /
I know better
Ack!
1. I just now realized that my last post is titled 'crappy' rather than 'crabby,' as was intended. Crappy pants is a whole different kind of tale.
2. My license picture is scary! My eyes are huge and bright blue, which they're actually not in person. Oh well, at least I'm legal again, and it only cost $10.
3. I went shopping today but restrained from buying the really really cute clothes at Lord & Taylor. 50% off the original price is still damn expensive, so I'm going to keep an eye out.
4. And it's a good thing I showed restraint, because I found out my rent is increasing by $50 a MONTH if I renew! And of course I'll renew, because I can't afford a house 'round here. Last year the rent went up $15. That was definitely manageable. But $50? Yeow. That's gonna smart.
Crappy Pants(less)
It's a gray, dreary day here and that mimics my mood. I'm sneezy and headachy and crabby and cold. I have to bite my tongue so often that I implode at times. Now is one of those times. I'm all rage-y and wanting to lash out. I want to go over and shake certain people - do your fucking job! Give a little! Quit fucking writing long emails that don't say anything and do what you get paid to do! I won't, though. So the rage will just boil up within.
For instance, my boss. She asked three of us early this week to set up meetings with her - each person for 30 minutes on Wednesday and each person for 30 minutes on Friday. I did as told. She then declined my Wednesday meeting, stating she'd be out of the office. Hmm...good thing your calendar was FREE, or we could have avoided this. So she told me my Wednesday mtg could be moved to Thursday. Except...you guessed it, she's out of the office today. She didn't tell us she's out of the office, and her calendar certainly wasn't blocked. So, yeah. Great. Thanks for making me take my time to find a fucking mtg room and schedule us TWICE for nothing.
I used to wait for the weekends to pass by and Monday to come 'round again. Monday was when I was social; I saw people at school, at work, during the week, and lived a solitary life on the weekends. Now, though, I just want Friday afternoon to come, so I can curl up in bed with the magazines that have piled up. Maybe I'll get up to make some hot cocoa; maybe I'll spend a few minutes cleaning. Maybe I will order in food and not leave the warmth of my pajamas and bed the entire weekend.
I'm having underwear issues lately. I might have to go commando today.
Foul - Updated
And not of the feathery kind.
I'm in a foul mood. Work has been sucking lately. I got ambushed at a meeting yesterday morning. Thanks, boss. Turns out she knew one of my states was being pulled from the August release but didn't bother to tell me. So when Team Member X asked if NY was being pulled, I thought she was asking out of hope - the state's a pain in the ass and the requirements are worse. So I said "No, no such luck" only to be immediately told to check with my boss.
That sounds really trivial now, but it was stupid. And there's just been all sorts of other little shit this week too. I can handle little shit, but it's the SAME little shit over and over and the SAME stupid people over and over.
The good news is that one of the stupid people is going to get fired. I had to write some documentation up so that there's something on record. Part of me feels badly about it - she's a nice person, but the other part of me wants her to die. DIE!
I had a good, 75-minute conversation this afternoon with my boss's boss. Boss lady told my team some confidential info on Monday that she should not have told us. Oops. And basically, boss's boss wanted to get the straight scoop from someone on all sorts of things: How's the environment? How's the workload? She wanted my opinions on process improvements, what is working and what isn't, where we can improve, input on the new girl who I've trained, and other various sundries. I was totally honest and open. Things kept coming back to how my boss SUCKS, which really doesn't matter since my boss won't be my boss for much longer. Oh well. Still nice to feel valued and respected.
She also gave me some coaching on how to get to the next level, and what the impending org changes mean for me and how I should benefit. So that was nice.
I'm having some health problems too, so that's a nagging concern. Guess it's time to make another appt. That's really frustrating, as I thought I was all better.
My place is a mess but I can't bring myself to clean it, even though I'd feel better if I did.
A coworker made me brownies for my birthday. She makes, hands-down, the best brownies ever. I can't stop eating them though!!!
I'm going to go to the bank, get my hair cut (and hopefully with it these bad angry vibes), car shop (possibly with BBB), and then maybe hit a bookstore to spend some birthday money.
Anyone got a map of Canada???
*** Update ***
Well, I didn't get my hair cut. Maybe tomorrow. I did change in over $23 worth of change, so that's good.
And I did look at cars with BBB. I actually found one I like, but did you know that they don't like you to test drive cars if your license is expired? Damnit. Gotta get to the DMV tomorrow. Yuck.
BBB asked how long we're going to keep up the flirting . I told him until he realizes he's a chickenshit. Whaaaaa? At least I'm honest.
Boys are dumb.
Me, Myself, & I
I stole this from
PM &
Joanne:
10 Years Ago:
I had just turned 18.
I was graduating from high school in Bismarck, North Dakota.
I found out my family was moving to Wisconsin.
I decided to find a new college closer to the 'rents rather than go where I had already been accepted.
My sister and I were not close.
I was still a virgin.
I was starting to realize that I went through bouts of depression.
I did not have my driver's license.
5 Years Ago:
I was 23.
I had just accepted my second post-college job and was leaving my first.
I was no longer a virgin.
My sister and I were fairly close.
I had my driver's license and my second car.
I had seen someone for depression but not listened to what they said.
3 Years Ago:
I was 25.
I was working at my second post-college job.
I was 1/4 of the way through grad school.
I was in my second apartment of my own.
My sister and I were very close.
I was falling in love.
I had been on meds for depression.
I was 'finding myself' sexually.
I was the happiest I had been in a long time.
1 Year Ago:
I turned 27.
I had fallen out of love.
I was off of meds.
My sister and I were still very close.
I realized I have potential to be a sexual superfreak.
I was in my 3rd apartment of my own.
I had taken my first international trip by myself.
I was pretty miserable overall.
Today:
I am 28.
I am still in my 3rd apartment.
I am still with my second post-college job (company).
I am a sexual superfreak.
I am off meds.
I have become frighteningly self-sufficient.
I am done with grad school.
I still have my second car.
My sister is one of my closest friends.
I have taken my second and third solo international trips.
I am still trying to find out what makes me happy.
Dear _____,
Remember back a few years ago, before we started dating? I went through a really, really bad spot during that time. I was worried you'd leave me. Maybe because you had before; maybe because
he just had.
I was worried that you'd think I was too much trouble; that I was too...not demanding, for I asked little of you, but too... too much work. I was worried that you would realize you could get friendship elsewhere for less mental strain. Remember?
And I don't think I begged, but I asked you not to leave me. I asked that you stand by me and be there for me. And you did and you were. Remember?
But... it's different now. It's okay if you leave now. And actually...I'd like you to. There's nothing either one of us are gaining from this. There's nothing either of us are giving to this.
And it's okay. Really. I'm not who you knew; you're not who I loved. We'll keep each other in our thoughts, that I know. But let's leave it there and just...remember.
Meeting of the Boobies
As you all should know by now, a few weeks ago I had dinner with
Aimee and
Lois. We had a great time - Lois's long legs kept knocking over a lamp (she should really learn to keep them closed), and Aimee's stories of eyeballs kept making us hungry.
After dinner, we stood outside for a while enjoying the fresh night air. Lois demonstrated for us the directions her nipples pointed while she was nursing. Aimee then decided she could top that, and demonstrated just how easy it would be to nurse from Lois's breasteses. Apparently, though, Aimee didn't like the taste -
you can tell from her expression.
Aren't they CUTE??
Indecision
Dear _____,
I think you know how I feel about you, as much I know it myself, of course. I haven't qualified it, but you know feelings exist for you. I think of you often - probably more often than I should - and I always look forward to hearing from you. Your accent (don't deny it!) and that giggle thrill me.
I'm scared, though. I think you know that even without me saying it. To take this one step further is frightening. What if we lose what we have? Perhaps even more frightening - what if we don't? What if we strengthen it? We're both stuck where we are for many reasons - I don't want to find out this could be something except for a small thing called logistics.
I'm lost people from my life this way before. People I've met this same way but been too afraid to pursue. Of course, the flip side is that I've lost people from my life that I HAVE pursued. It's like I'm paralyzed and I don't know which way to turn. Either way I could be risking a lot - and losing a lot. I'm not sure I can handle that. I'm not sure I want to know how this would turn out. I'm in a rut, and this could change that, and while inertia is a powerful force, it can be fought if I want to. And I do want to, but again, it comes back to fear.
It bothers me, that I can't - or perhaps more accurately, haven't - met 'real' people in my area. It bothers me that the people I dig, people I connect with, don't immediately have the potential (options?) that I need. It bothers me that I feel so connected to you - is that 'right?' When it comes down to it...what do I really know about you? You're smart and caring and witty and funny and oh, such a sexual turn-on and hard-working and and and...is that really enough?
I know. Relax, kiddo. Breathe easy. It's not like we're talking marriage here. But I'm scared of finding out there's something there, and I'm scared of finding out there's not, and you need to know that.
Weekend Update
1. Lois, you're a pain in the ass. I love you. Just remember, payback's a bitch. :)
2. Thank you all SO very much for all the birthday wishes. I had a GREAT birthday. I normally don't celebrate them if I can help it, but that wasn't the case this year. And yes, my birthday is the 13th, which is very often a Friday, and was the year I was born. I'm just special like that. :)
3. My girls got me a beautiful photo album. The engraving says "True friends are never apart, maybe in distance, but not in heart. Love J, L & N" I got teary eyed.
4. I got copies made of pictures of us four girls - some at L's wedding, some at her bachelorette party, some at her bridal shower. Only 3 years later, but better than never. I also got a copy of a hilarious picture of me that I'm going to try to post - it was taken at L's wedding and I'm obviously tanked. I have all sorts of flowers in my hair and stains on my dress. I had never seen the picture before, and it's great.
5. My entire weekend was good. I laughed so hard with my girls - we sat at dinner last night for 5 hours, keeping the $2.75 daiquiris coming at us. We all learned a bit about each other this weekend, which was fun considering a) how much time we spent together, b) how many of our stories involved another one of us, and c) how close we all still are.
6. I got to meet my niece! She is the cutest baby ever. Really. She's happy and smiling and I got to hold her and watch her sleep and roll over and spit bubbles and I did NOT have to change her!
7. Baby's dad did the majority of the babysitting so us girls could shop and eat in peace. That was awesome.
8. I'm not as tired as I thought I'd be, considering I was in the car for 10 hours today. And no speeding tickets!
9. I came home and found a gift certificate to a spa as my bday present from my college best friend. Yay for pampering!
10. I came home and found a HUGE check. Tuition plus salary = money! Yay!
11. I came home and found I have a package that I can't get til tomorrow. I think it's my painting. Yay!
Hi Hi
Am here in Madison, where I'll leave within an hour for my long drive. It looks like a rainy, grey, dreary day - ick. I slept with a black bear last night - i.e., my sister's black Greyhound. He liked to climb into bed and plop down on my legs. And he sleeps like a log, so there's not really much kicking him out of the way. Oh well, at least he doesn't snore.
I also had my parent's dog sleeping by the side of my bed - can't get much better than that!
Made the folks take me to Red Lobster last night - I'm not a seafood fan, but was dying for shrimp. And cheese rolls. Mmmm.
I got some Costa Rica pictures back yesterday - even got them on CD, but just didn't have the time to post them. I should be able to finish my roll of film this weekend and then get the last CR shots developed as well. If you're lucky, when I'm posting pics, I might let you see a darling picture of
Aimee and
Lois.
Alright kids, I think that's it. Play nice with each other this weekend.
Weekends Begin with Thursday
I thought I had mentioned what my weekend plans are, but I guess not, so here's the deal:
Tonight after work - whatever time that is - I'll drive up to Madison. 2.5 hours in the car depending on traffic. I'll have dinner there with the 'rents who are dog-sitting at my sister's. After dinner I'll probably crash since I'm running on about 20 hours sleep since Sunday night.
Friday morning around 9ish, I'll hop back in the car and drive to Minneapolis. Once I get to my friend's place, we'll hop into her car and drive 3 hours to Fargo. We'll meet two of our gfs at dinner around 7pm.
We'll have dinner and drinks and then go back to N's place where we're all staying. I'll get to meet my honorary niece, see my honorary step-daughter, see their new house, enjoy a bonfire built by N's hubby, who I adore, and crash there.
Saturday us girls will probably shop and eat and repeat often.
Sunday - early - J & I will drive the 3hrs back to Minneapolis, where I'll check the oil and drive all the way back down here (6 hrs, give or take).
Am I looking forward to it? Yes and no. And right now, it's more no than yes.
Wednesday Night
1. I didn't go to BBB's. He gave me directions before he left for work, but once home, I did some thinking. He didn't really seem thrilled with the idea, even though HE invited ME over, and while packing up the ingredients and all, I realized it was a lot. (I don't trust him to have baking items.)
I don't like doing things with people if I feel they don't really want me to do them with them. So when he called after his class, still not sounding excited, I said I had too much to do.
I'm disappointed. I wish he would stop sending mixed signals. Fucker.
2. I had a good talk with Best Friend tonight. I love her. 3. I have two things coming to me in the mail that I'm very excited about. One is a painting I commissioned from
Kate. It's one of her
monster girls and will go in my kitchen. Yay! I'm excited to see it. So while I know what it is, I don't know what it looks like, so that's kind of a surprise. I like surprises.
The second is a CD a friend burned for me. Mucho good music that I've been wanting to hear. There may also be pink post-its in the package as well, which will make me giggle. Random office supplies amuse me.
4. My red velvet cake is cooling right now. I hope it turns out - I don't always have good results with buttermilk. But the batter tasted cake-like, so that's a good sign. I need to make the buttercream frosting, but I can do that when the cake cools.
5. I have a lot to do before tomorrow: packing up pics of all vacations; clothes for many occasions and people; souvenirs for the fam; magazines for the 'rents. Eh, it will all get done somehow!
6. I noticed today that my car's paint is peeling off of the roof. Oops. That might become an issue.
La Peon ser muy confuso
A couple of you have asked whether or not BBB missed me while I was gone. First of all, that's a stupid question - who WOULDN'T miss me? Secondly, here's an update:
One of the first things BBB said to me, as he leaned over my keyboard on Monday morning, was that he missed me. "And not just at work."
"That surprised you, didn't it?"
"A little, yeah."
"That was hard for you to say, wasn't it?"
"Yeah."
I invited him over tonight to bake a cake with me. He is doing some cardio class at 5:30 and said it would be better if he drove out here to pick me up, then went back to his place so he could shower there, and we baked there. No need to pick me up - I drive. So as of right now, I'm driving out to his place to bake a cake with him tonight.
Although, he did just have second thoughts. "It's a long drive." Shrug. "I keep a big separation [between work and personal]." Shrug. I'm baking either way; you just let me know if you want me to come over or not.
When he heard I had dinner plans Monday night, he asked what the guy's name was.
Yep. Just as confused as ever.
Let's Start at the Very Beginning
Tonight was my first night of beginner's running. And I do mean beginners. Though it was a mixed group - some doing a 5k, others doing mixed walking and running, I was definitely one of the most beginner.
We walked 10 minutes, ran for 30 seconds, and repeated it twice more.
The good news is, I can run for 30 seconds at a time. The bad news is, I can't run for too much longer. Probably a minute, max.
The goal of the program I'm in is to run for 3 consecutive minutes at the end of the 10 weeks.
That's right. Not 3 MILES, but 3 MINUTES.
It's embarrassing that I'm so out of shape I can't even run for a couple minutes. Slowly. Downhill. But give me a couple months, and I'll be kickin that 3 minutes all over the place.
Ticos
That's what the people of Costa Rica are called. But this post isn't about them; it's about the two girls I travelled with at the beginning. Elizabeth is 29 and from California. She had been living in CR for the past 4 months, travelling and bartending, and when she's home, she lives with her folks and bartends/waitresses. She has a softish voice that reminded me of Drew Barrymore - very Cali, with phrases like 'vibe' and 'are you picking up what I'm putting down' and 'chill'. Now, I got the impression that E felt bad for me, living the life of a corporate whore as I am. I'm settled (or reasonably so), have bills, and a peusdo 9-5 job (more like 8-6 most days). I got the impression that she felt sorry that I was so tied down, with, like, bills and stuff. But, the ironic thing was...I felt badly for
her. She's 29 - lives with her parents when she's in the country - has a college degree, but uses it to bartend and waitress. She travels well and often and has really no ties to bind her. I'm not saying that either way of life is right or wrong, just trying to say that there are multiple ways of skinning a cat. Or something. It's late. ***** The second girl E & I travelled with was named Christine. Christine was a Jamaican from Florida, and spoke with a lilt. No idea how old C is. I wasn't sure how I felt about C until she related two separate anecdotes that bothered me. The first was how her apartment burned down a few weeks before she left for vacay. Some woman a few doors down fell asleep while smoking and basically burned the whole complex down. So C was going to join in a class-action suit and sue the woman for stupidity, and the complex owners for not having the right fire-walls, or something, AND the city for not enforcing them. I guess I feel that people make mistakes, even if they're stupid ones. Does suing make things right? No. Is it worth it? I don't know. Maybe I'd feel differently if C had had renter's insurance. Yes, I know I work for an insurance company and may be biased. But really...if you don't take the precautions you can against something, is it fair - or right - to take what you can get from someone else? The second reason I decided I didn't like C was when the three of us were sitting outside our hotel/hostel room, just chatting about random shit. Somehow we got on the topic of homosexuality. Now, you peeps know that I dig chics. But more than that, I dig the freedom to dig chics, ya dig? C told us - I don't remember the exact conversation - that she thought it was bad for kids to be raised in homosexual homes. E & I exchanged a look at that one. Um...why? Something about it being bad for the kids. E & I said something about how even in straight homes, kids can be damaged, and that all that matters is that it's a loving home, but C didn't really buy it. The conversation ended soon after that. Sigh. I hate when people don't agree with me on really important shit.
Multiples - Updated
It's good to be home. And showered. And in my bathrobe. My legs are still soooo sore from my excursions on Friday - the way to get to the waterfall was to hike about 1/4 mile in, and then go down 450 steps. And not just average steps - these were built into the hillside. And were largely built out of rocks. Going down was hard enough, but going up? Jesus H Christ, that was hard. I think I used muscles I've never known I had. It was such a sense of accomplishment, though, to do it - sure, I thought about quitting partway - I could see the waterfall from some of the steps, that was good enough, right? Nope. I pushed myself. And I'm glad.
The one area I did not push myself in was at the volcano at La Fortuna, the Arenal Volcano. I hiked the mile, mile-and-a-half in, but I did not climb up over the rocks/lava boulders to see Lake Arenal below and the volcano up a little closer. I'm not all that sure-footed, and it was pretty trecherous. But I still saw the volcano up from just about as close as possible. When we hiked out, it got dark, and we could see some of the red lava flowing down the side. Awesome! The boulders sounded like thunder when they tumbled down the side, and we could see the steam rising off of each impact. Very, very cool.
I took the 8am bus from La Fortuna yesterday to get back to San Jose. It was a little longer, time-wise, than taking the afternoon direct bus, but I wanted to see a little more of San Jose, and that gave me the afternoon to do so. I walked down by the national theater, and a pedestrian mall that is there, and a little marketplace where I bought a couple more souvenirs with my remaining colones.
Speaking of colones, the money was hard for me to get used to. Sure, the dollars and coins are marked - 50, 5000, etc, but the exchange was 474 colones to a dollar. So I would get really confused, looking at a menu - what do you mean, a daiquiri costs 500? 6000 colones for shrimp? Yeah, so you basically just halve or double (depending on which way you're calculating) the cost, but I was an English major for a reason.
I took a few rolls of film, and once they're developed - possibly this week - I'll post any good shots. Yeah, I know, upgrade to a digi - that might happen with the next birthday. We'll see.
I just had my second real meal in two days - for some reason, I don't eat much on vacations. Maybe because I go where it's hot, and who wants a full meal in the heat? At any rate, the comforts of home are nice.
*** Updated ***
Can't quite sleep, so here's some more. One of the best comforts of home is having toilets where you can actually put the toilet paper in them. I missed that.
The hostel in San Jose was decent (I linked it on a post before I left), but not the cheapest place I stayed. That honor belongs to
La Pension Santa Elena. At a mere $5 per night, I got a bunk bed (lower, thankfully), and a private bath and shower. The first night I stayed it was just me and a guy from Denmark and a guy from London. The next night a guy from Milwaukee showed up in my room along with two Canadian girls. The staff here was super helpful and super hot.
Although, the hotel in La Fortuna did come complete with a gecko on the ceiling. Honestly, that creeped me out a little - I didn't like the thought of it falling on me while I slept. And besides, geckos eat bugs - if it was there, there must have been bugs at some point, right?
The roads were horrendous. Most were dirt and rocks, with no shoulder. The lanes were unmarked - no lines at all, just one lane each way for most of what I travelled. And the roads themselves were hairpin curves - from San Jose to Monteverde, it was basically a big switchback. Which is fine - they drive on the 'right' side of the road, and I'm used to shitty driving, but the roads barely seemed big enough for two cars to traverse at once. Some of the bridges we crossed - ay yi yi! Rusted metal in a dilapated bus - ah, adventure!
The scariest bus experience, though, had nothing to do with the route or the vehicle. On the way to San Jose yesterday, we stopped at some place. I don't know if it was a town, or a regular stop or what, but a policeman got on. I looked to the girl next to me for help (no, I don't speak any Spanish). Identificación, I was told. And sure enough, folks were pulling out their ID cards. I got my license ready - hell, I wasn't about to hand over my passport - but the cop seemed to be randomly pulling IDs and didn't pick me. That was a little unsettling, especially after many travelers had told me of bus shootings that took place fairly recently.
I didn't buy much by way of souvenirs. Some coffee for mom and sister (I don't drink it); a shirt for dad; two sarongs for me, one of which I'm going to (have mom) stitch a loop in and then (have dad) through a dowel in the hole, so I can hang it on my wall; a couple small items from the
Frog Pond for myself; oh, and a stuffed monkey for BBB that may not be given to him. He has a shitload of stuffed animals, and the one I got is black (appropriate), but not sure I want to part with it!
Alright. That's enough for now, don't you think?
Hola!
Me again. Back in San Jose at the hostel where I started out - last night here! Had an action packed day yesterday - hiked over 4miles, saw a volcano, a poisonous frog, hot springs, and a waterfall. Stood on suspension bridges, one of which was 45 meters up, whatever that translates into feet - not as high as some I did the other day,but high enough to see the howler monkeys up fairly close. They grunt like gorillas - kind of a deep ooh ooh ooh!
Met some interesting people, some I'll write more about later. There was the guy who's name I never caught who is from Milwaukee - we had a good chat. There was the pseudo-Canadian I spent the day with yesterday. There was the Canadian couple I rode the bus with the other day. There was the part-owner of the hostel, originally from Texas, who besides being hot, was interesting. There was the Portugese honeymooner yesterday. And who knows who today will bring?
Had planned on going into town here, but am not sure about that now. Looks like it might rain, and we Peons melt in the rain. Plus, I think I just have enough colones left for cab to the airport tomorrow and dinner tonight, so...
Think I'll be out by the pool if you need me.
Quick Note from CR
It´s warm here! Spent today at the beach with a girl from CA I met, Elizabeth. Had a yummy pina colada and a massage - that's right, all on the beach! Am a little red but should fade to a glorious tan. Well, a girl can hope.
Went through Manuel Antonio National Park yesterday with E and another girl we met, Christine. Saw a sloth!!!! It was sleeping, imagine that. Saw two kinds of monkeys - the capuchin ones were pretty tame and ran right up by us! Saw hermit crabs - BIG ones - and red land crabs, I forget the name. Saw some badger type of animal. Saw lizards and iguanas. Saw geckos - well, those were at the restaurant the other night, perched on the walls!
Stayed at a place last night for $13 per person per night - our own bathroom, and a pool! *Us three girls stayed together). Am at a different place now, but just down the road from the beach! Can't beat that!
Tomorrow, am off on a early bus up north, to Santa Elena, Monteverde, and La Fortuna. Will make it back to San Jose sometime on Saturday so I can catch my morning flight out on Sunday.
Yay for vacation! Alright, my 30 minutes of internet is about up...
