You Make Me Wanna
1. It's funny to me - since I removed the comments, my readership has really dropped. I've thought about adding them back - not for that reason - but I'm just not feeling it. I feel I'm writing more freely, more honestly, more openly without them. Maybe I should just add them back and work on keeping this mindset, but I'm not there yet. Thank you to those who have felt strongly enough about posts to email me your comments; I do appreciate it, and that's the banter I miss without comments. Soon, friends, soon.
2. I love my mother's pot roast.
3. Some of you have emailed me, asking if I'm doing okay - that I seem down. Au contraire, mes amis! I'm doing okay right now. I've been too busy lately to allow myself to wallow. Between working consistent 11hr days, homework, keeping in touch with friends and fam, and trying to keep a clean house...self-pity's on the backburner these days. Thanks for asking, though.
4. I was trying to book my Costa Rica trip tonight but I'm at an impasse. Is it worth an 8hr Miami layover to arrive in CR during the daytime? I've done a bit of travelling, and I think it is...but I also hate that thought.
5. I think my new neighbor has birds. I hate birds.
6. I hate the morning Chicago news. They anchors are far too flippant for a big city. I mean, this is
Chicago. There's a lot going on here. Cut the cutesy jokes and songs and give me the news, damnit.
It Takes a Village
I watched 'The Village' this weekend. I cried.
Yeah, I know it's not classified as or meant to be a tearjerker.
But when you think about it...Ivy took on a huge challenge for her love. How many of us could - would - do that and be successful at it?
How many of us say that we love someone, but when it comes down to proving how much we love them, or going that last, uphill, obstacle-ridden mile to find, we falter? We wonder if it's worth it. If we can do it. If we should.
Yep. I'm classifying 'The Village' as a romance.
62 and 63. Young, comparatively; old, relatively.
My parents are showing signs of age. Signs that I can't ignore, signs that anger me for I'm hopeless to stop them, signs that weigh heavy on my heart.
I don't know how many times this weekend I had to repeat myself to mom. She won't get a hearing aid, and truly, I don't know that she needs one all the time. Maybe I speak too quickly or too softly for her; maybe it's me, and not her, with the problem.
Dad & I had a few conversations this weekend that I know we've had before. He didn't remember them, and I stopped telling him we'd already had those discussions.
My parents aren't what they used to be, and yet at the same time, are so much more than they used to be.
Be well, mom and dad.
Shamu
I'm fat. Technically, I'm obese. I wear large sizes and haven't ever been able to shop at stores like Express and 5*7*9.
I just don't
feel fat. I know what size I am, and I know that I can't always walk into a store or shop with my girlfriends and expect to find things that will fit. But, I'm usually okay with this.
Until I look in a mirror, or step on a scale, or go to a doctor's office.
There were a good number of years where I was made fun of for my weight. My guy 'friends,' starting to notice girls, noticed that I was heavier than others. They picked on me. Yet, it never really bothered me, because there were still guys who were interested in me.
I know it's unhealthy. And I've spent the past couple years yo-yoing. After the Ex situation, I packed on 30 pounds - quite noticeable on a 5'4" frame. I let myself eat whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted - KFC for dinner? Done. Half a dozen donuts for breakfast? Done. Cheetos and a candy bar for lunch? Done. Again, and again, and again.
I managed to lose 20, 25 lbs of that and kept it off. Oh, I was still fat, just not as. I've hovered around that weight for the past 2 yrs, never managing to get much below it, never rising too far above. I'm a big girl - tits, hips. What might be called 'big-boned' - I've never been petite or delicate.
And that's fine. I'm also a fairly compact girl - sure, I jiggle, but I'm also solid in some respects. I've never felt I look as though I weigh what I do, which has been a large factor in not pushing me to lose weight. If I actually looked like what I should...
At any rate, I'm sick of it now. I've started to backslide again into the fast food, lazy way of eating. I've seen the scale slowly creep up and there's only so much blaming it on...whatever one can do.
So, I'm going to try. I've had multiple well-meaning guy friends tell me that I'm not the girl who walks into a bar and turns heads, and I'm not the girl the guys flock to, but once a guy gets to know me, well, personality should win him over.
Yeah, maybe. But it'd be nice to lead a flock once in a while.
Gene-sis
I usually tell people that I'm a shitty driver. I don't necessarily think I am, but by conventional standards, I realize others may think so.
I drive too fast, I don't always signal, I tailgate. Yet, I always feel in control and alert; aware of being cut-off and aware of sudden stops. I've never caused an accident.
I've been looking forward, perhaps a bit trepidatiously, to my trip back 'home' in April. I haven't been back to Cdale since we moved from there in 1992. I want to drive there for the first time, over the one-lane bridge near my old house. I want to drive up the hills I used to walk; sit parked outside my old BFF's house and remember; drive to my old friends' houses that have appeared in my dreams.
I mentioned my trip to the 'rents last night for the first time. Mom wants to come with. She could ride down with me and visit a good friend of hers.
We'd take her car, which I've never driven, for she guards it quite carefully. I would, supposedly, have her car for the weekend and be able to drive through town as I wish. There would be no smoking in her car or presence. There would be no speeding of any kind, nor any music I enjoy. There would be 5-6 hours of conversation with mom, stuck in the same vehicle.
I love my mother dearly. I don't, however, get along with her. Just as mom and sister rarely fought growing up, dad & I never fought. Mom & I, however...had some doozies.
This trip is important to me, for a lot of reasons. It's opening up old wounds and hoping to find scar tissue attached to others; I don't want to do that with her. I don't want her to know what it means to me.
When we found out we were moving, mom threatened - with some degree of seriousness, I suppose - to get divorced from dad, the reason we were moving. I was the one who went to her, crying in her dark bedroom, sleeping away the pain, and told her she couldn't do that. That she had no choice in the matter, that we were all leaving, and we'd do it together.
I don't know if she remembers that; she has said that she always felt I blamed her for the move. In actuality, I didn't - the whys of moving were never unclear. I did, however, blame her for looking for the easy way out and for thinking of envoking a choice that I as a child did not have. I blamed her for making me wonder if I'd have a choice as to who I'd live with, and how I would break my decision to the unchosen. And I blamed her again, once we had moved, for spending months in a depression under the bedclothes, leaving an overwhelmed, overworked father to deal with a sad, uncommunicative daughter.
I've refused to be baited into conversations with mom about this subject; I refuse to let her know how angry, how...sick the move made me. I refuse to infuse her with guilt over what a 14yr old girl had to endure. I don't know how to have that conversation without letting the anger seep from me. So I choose to hold it inside, where it only eats at one person instead of letting it loose to consume others.
Stupid Decision Making
I went to the bookstore today and read through a gazillion travel books. I finally decided on Belize, got all happy with it, wrote down the names of books I wanted to use my Amazon gift cert on, came home to book my flight...and found that flights to Belize are expennnnsive.
So now I need to go back and look through more CR books to see if I could get happy about CR, since that has cheap flights. Maybe I should check out flights to
everywhere first, seeing where the cheap deals are, and then see if I feel like going there.
This is always the worst part of things for me.
Lots of interesting (hopefully) posts rattling around. More later.
And The Winner Is... Updated
6%.
I'm not sure how I feel about that.
On the one hand, it's almost double what the average is, so that's good.
My ranking was 'outstanding,' which is good.
My increase was the same as last year's, making this the first year I haven't increased my increase. So that's disappointing.
I'm about $392 (approximately, of course) below a milestone salary. I was really really hoping to hit that this year.
Damnit!!!!!
-----
It is, after all, panty-less Friday. So I will cease my complaints.
Statistical Hugs
I don't get hugged nearly enough.
A few times a month is all I really get.
Isn't there some statistic about how you need 7 hugs a day?
Someone recently told me that I come across on my blog as a strong woman, angry, and sad.
I blame those last two on my lack of hugginess.
Not that I think I'm unhuggable; it's just hard, when you're a virtual amoeba, to get hugged.
What sound does an amoeba make?
Meeb. Meeb. That's the sound it makes me think of. Okay, so it's not really a sound.
I had a teacher once who made us memorize how to spell onomatopoeia. I don't remember how anymore, but it's a great word.
There's a bulletin board I see fairly often. It's a little girl wearing a tiara and a diamond necklace and a big ole ring. The caption says, "My mommy says no diamond is too big."
I hate that bulletin board. It encourages all the wrong values in little girls. If I were in the diamond-buying market, I would
so boycott that advertiser.
-----
I went shopping after work yesterday. Spent $40 at Lord & Taylor. Pipe down, I only shop the clearance there. They have GREAT deals on their clearance - 80% off of the original price. I bought three items, including a $94 skirt for under $20.
And apparently I have a black skirt fetish. I think I own 10. I barely own 10 pairs of shoes.
-----
BBB is starting to annoy me. He's really really overwhelmed at work, which I can completely identify with, but his to-do list keeps growing and multiple things get carried over from the prior day. Which, again, I totally understand. I just don't see how, then, he has the time for 2hr lunches and 30 minute chats with me, even though I try to get him to leave.
If there's that much to do...shut up and do it.
-----
Back in the day, when I had my old projects, I scheduled a meeting for yesterday. Stupid Rude Girl (SRG) and I had agreed that she would run that meeting. Kind of hard to do if you don't attend.
I didn't say anything to her as I walked to the mtg; she has a calendar. But 5 minutes in, which she hadn't shown up or called in...I ran over to her. "Are you coming?"
Guess who didn't show? Guess who ran the meeting? Guess which client called me after the meeting and asked if SRG had shown up?
-----
I STILL haven't heard about my increase. Other areas have. I guess, in the long run, it doesn't matter - my salary won't decrease, so anything else is just gravy.
I'm Not Handicapped
But I do use the handicapped stall. I'm a girl, I need room to wrestle with my nylons. Besides, the only handicaps around here are mental.
-----
I received some info today about GREAT airfare deals. So right now, I'm tentatively looking into a week trip to Costa Rica, a week trip (maybe not a full week) to Curacao, and maybe a weekend trip to NY, since I've been hankering to get back there. Not really sure what I'd do in NY for a weekend, besides museums and people watching and walking around looking. Which is plenty enough, I think.
I'm not sure what my desire to get back there stems from. My dad's from there, and as I've mentioned, has a couple apartments in Manhattan, but I haven't been there in over a dozen years. I've just been wanting to go. Maybe spending time in a 'foreign' big city will help me overcome some of my hesitation about my 'local' big city.
Just gotta sit down tonight and figure out dates and budgets.
-----
Speaking of...rumor has it we're finding out our increases today. Yay!
-----
Off to a Good Start
If I make a statement to you, and you don't understand, then there's no need to be rude. You needn't denigrate the statement made, and you needn't cut me off and/or talk over me. There's also no need to say, "I guess I don't understand. What are you saying, Katey, if you know."
I have friends who are Wiccan and I have friends who know people. Watch your back, bitch.
Not to mention, I've already yelled at my sister today. Damnit. Damnit. Damnit.
It's All About Me, It's All About My...
...yep. That's what you get when you come here. 100% me. For better or worse, I take myself.
Long, long day today. I managed to cross a couple things off my growing to-do list, but not enough to make a dent. I had meetings from 11-3 at the building across the parking lot, which meant I had to grab an empty cube when I could and check email from there. Not very productive.
And while we're on the subject of work...I should find out tomorrow if I take my original projects back from Stupid Rude Girl. I'm dying for them to make a decision, because I'm already knee-deep in my new projects. Is anyone running the show?
I think I made BBB feel badly today, which made me feel badly. I had to push him to get me something that was overdue, and I told him 5pm was the absolute latest deadline, and of course he missed it by like 10 minutes and then gave me incorrect information. I didn't yell, but I wasn't pleased. I think he avoided eye contact with me.
Then, there's class, where my group did HORRIBLY in the game simulation this week. Me, I don't give a shit, for reasons I've already gone into, but ZT (Zealous Teammate) does. He's analyzed every factor from the results we got at 10am yesterday. And when I say analyze, I mean, made notes on every_single_factor_for_every_team_in_every_region. I don't have the time, and frankly, if I did, I wouldn't give it that way. He made a comment tonight when I didn't have the printouts that 'we need to be looking at the numbers because that's where every decision is made' blah blah blah.
And, he's suggesting changes that aren't in line with our original strategy. He basically shot down every suggestion I made, which although I didn't have the data, I've done my reading and I'm aware of what's what, and my ideas are valid.
In light of all that, I didn't complain once when our group meeting took a full hour, putting me home 40 minutes later than I'd like.
That being said, I'm now going to finish scarfing my frozen pizza and do some write-ups for class.
Maybe, if I'm lucky, I'll wake up at 4:30am again, masturbating, and I'll finish that, log on to work, and spend another 11hr day at the plant tomorrow.
I'm Angry
Yeah, I'm angry right now. For no good reason; no injustice was done to me.
I'm angry because I'm tired. Because I'm stressed. Because things are in limbo here at work and it's making life much harder than it should be. Because my boss doesn't understand that some things need longer than a day to turn them around. Because some people don't understand that a deadline is a deadline. Because that's a contradiction in itself.
Because people send important emails but don't mark them as important. Because people don't pull their weight. Because I'm getting pulled in too many directions.
Because.
How is it that between 10pm and 4:17 am, I have received 18 work emails?
Stupid partners in Northern Ireland.
Early Morning Delight
Woke up to find my fingers rather busy. Why fight it?
It's Only a GAME!!!!
We're using a simulation game for class. All teams in class are companies in the shoe manufacturing business. Each actual week represents a year in the game; we have decisions that need to be made weekly in regards to how much we'll sell, where we'll sell (there are four locations), how much training we'll provide, how we'll price our shoes, etc etc etc.
It's a very interesting tool, the game, but one of my teammates takes it WAY too seriously. We're not graded on how well we do in the game; rather, we're graded on how consistent we are with our strategy and how we apply our learnings.
But Zealous Teammate (ZT) sends us daily thoughts. And analyzes the projections like you would not believe. Never mind that they're projections; never mind that everything changes once we get placed against our competing teams; never mind that we have, in actuality, no control over how we do, since we're not operating in a vacuum.
It's only a game!!!!!!! Not to mention, it's our LAST CLASS! There is NO NEED to be so gung-ho right now, and frankly, with only 5 weeks left in the entire program (after tomorrow night), it's more than a bit annoying.
TV's Inspiring Thoughts
I'm ashamed to admit that 'Desperate Housewives' inspired this post. That last scene, at the end...where whatshername is crying on her pillow because Mike is/may be/was a murderer.
We spend so much time looking for love...fighting for it...thinking about it and wanting it and crying over it and writing about it...but is it really worth it?
At the end of the day, or month, or year...when we've found what we've been longing and yearning and lusting for...does it make it all better? Does finding someone to love - who loves us back - make up for all the heartache that went into looking for it?
Stupid
Stupid cold that crept up on me.
Stupid fire alarm that woke me from my nice, warm, cozy, naked nap.
Stupid AOL that refuses to log me off the first time I ask. As a result, I'm kept online for HOURS after I've thought I signed off; until the next time I go to log on, actually. Guess I need to start double-checking that.
Two Small Things...and One Medium Thing
And no, I'm not talking about dick!
At the bar with BBB the other night, two small things happened that cracked me up.
1. I got to the bar first and sat at an empty table with my beer. I wasn't exactly out of the way, but I certainly wasn't on the main path, either. I was just people watching and waiting for BBB to get there.
The reason we were there was because an old coworker of BBB's was leaving and folks were going out for drinks. I saw BBB before he saw me; he was standing in a doorway, talking to the coworker group. My waitress came by and asked if I needed anything. Since BBB still hadn't seen me yet, I ordered a beer and asked the waitress to deliver it to him.
I saw her approach him with the beer; she handed it to him, said something, and pointed in my direction. He looked my way with a really incredulous look on his face, saw me, and cracked up. That was fun, and a first for me. I mean, yes, I've bought guys drinks before, but never like that.
2. The second thing that made me laugh was also a first for me. As I was sitting at the table people watching and waiting, I noticed a guy out in the main part of the bar. He wasn't very note-worthy, I just happened to notice him.
Then I noticed he was at the jukebox very close to my table. Then he was at my table, asking if he could buy me a drink.
I thanked him and politely declined. (I really was polite about it; I know that takes guts.) I was also going to invite him to sit down and chat, but he left pretty quickly after that.
Made my night, though. Sure, guys have bought me drinks before, but usually after we've started flirting/talking.
------
I knew from talking to BBB on Friday that he was planning on going into work on Saturday. I emailed him Sat and asked how long he'd be there, whether he'd be up for anything afterwards. Gave him my number.
He called on his way out and said he was just going home. No biggie.
Well, at about 10pm last night, while I'm lounging in my jammies watching Law and Order reruns, he calls. Says he's at a bowling alley with friends, how bored was I?
It was a good time. We bowled until 1 when the place closed. I've heard BBB talk of this married couple before, both good friends of his, so it was nice to meet them. I had a good time.
I've been debating on whether or not to keep writing about my interactions with BBB, since it doesn't mean anything. I get to a point where I'm sure I wouldn't date him (if that were even an option), and then he does something that makes me change my mind.
Whatever. We'll just have to see how things go.
Jessica Alba Disgusts Me
I can appreciate that she's a beautiful girl (she's 23 - not yet a woman). I can appreciate that Hollywood is a cruel master to the female curves. I can appreciate self-esteem issues. I can appreciate that virtually all of the photos I've seen of Jessica have been air-brushed to perfection, including her Cosmo cover picture, found
here.
But, I cannot appreciate Jessica's comments in her Cosmo interview:
"I'm not one of those women with a really thin body. I have body fat."
Nor can I tolerate Cosmo's next question: "Have you always had a curvy figure?"
Hel-lo. Jessica's probably a size 4. Okay,
maybe a size 6. How can that ever be defined as a 'curvy figure?'
EWWWWWWWWWWWWWW - Part II
How long does it take for
slushy, expired milk to burst through its plastic carton?
Oh, about four months.
Yeah, it's nazzzzty. I almost hurled, and I haven't even cleaned it up yet. I'm dreading that. It's not moldy, it's just...slushy white chunks on the shelf of my fridge.
I'm not a horrible housekeeper - I mean, sure, my bedroom floor always looks like my closet threw up, and the entire place could use a good dusting, but it's not like I have rodents or food lying out or trash smelling in the corners.
I guess my fridge got overlooked. Out of sight, out of mind. Almost makes me want to re-enable my comments; I'm sure you'd have some choice words on this one. :)
Friends & Memories
Every so often - actually, about once a month - my best friend and I have a long, long phone call. Most often we each have a few drinks while we chat - her in her state, me in mine.
Tonight was one of those nights (minus the drinks). Never mind that we talked for a quick 15 minutes last night; never mind that we talked for an hour last weekend. Tonight we talked for 2.5 hours.
We could have kept going, except that my cell battery drained. And not like, almost out, but like, I had about one minute remaining.
We talked about work - lazy people abound everywhere. And boys - I had some game for a short while, back in the day. And people's kids and if it's okay to bring wee ones to adult parties. And people's kids of those we grew up with and those we lost touch with and those who should not procreate. And how we'd feel if our future daughters decided to join a sorority not our own and sororities in general. And what we'd do if we had to take care of ailing parents and which parent we'd rather have and which parent we'd rather our siblings have. And vacations we've taken together and vacations we want to take together. And boys who were mean and shallow and times we had the cojones to approach our crushes and times our crushes turned us down. And our single friend who is pregnant and our deliberation over whether she'll have the kid and what we would do if either of us got pregnant now. And clothing and fashions and trends like ponchos which should really fade away and how Lane Bryant clothing assumes big women have big breasts. And flavored vodkas and rums. And the raise she got this year and the chance for a second raise she'll have this year and the raise I have yet to get. And salaries and grad school and and and...
I love her. She's smart and funny and kind and cute and competent and capable.
I don't miss college, but I do miss being able to open a door and find friends. Good friends.
This didn't stay anonymous. Some of you I've talked to on the phone; quite a few of you I email regularly, both from home and from work addresses. Guess I'm not a - what was it? - no-fun stuck-up something? :)
I've met some of you; I may have even kissed one or a few of you. I've discussed personal things with you and I've shared things with you that no one has ever known about me. I've seen your breasts and your kids and your jammies and your dildos.
Why? What is the attraction with taking an anonymous forum and making it nymous? (since that must be the opposite of anonymous, right?) Why not stay a foreign amoeba in a vast forum? If the allure is the anonymity...why change that?
I've gotten the distinct feeling from friends before that they're tired of my mood swings. Tired of me feeling down, tired of me saying 'fine' when they ask me how I am.
That always made me crawl further into myself; I was already feeling like crap, and now those closest to me wanted me to snap out of it? If only it were that easy.
When I first read
Prozac Nation, I found myself really, really annoyed with Elizabeth. Get on your meds! Quit fucking up! No wonder your friends are leaving you, you're annoying as hell! So I do understand how, well, depressing a depressive can be.
Some people think that anti-depressants are candy from the devil. Nothing can be that bad - it's mind over matter. If whatshisface from 'A Beautiful Mind' can overcome mental issues, why can't everyone? On the other hand, for some people, anti-depressants are literally the difference between life and death, light and dark.
I'm a very different person on meds versus off. When I'm on, I still get down at times, and I still have my nights crying in the dark, but I'm not as rageful, as irritable. When I'm off, I have a fuse so short it may as well not exist. Everything bothers me much more than it should, and that fact makes me work harder to not let things bother me, which is exhausting and compounds the issue.
At any rate, going back to my first sentence...well, you make me feel that way too. Maybe you don't mean to; maybe you do. Maybe (to borrow a phrase) you feel 'tough love' is the way to go. Maybe you think that with all I have, I should be able to snap out of it. Well, you know what? Sometimes I think that too. And most of the time, that doesn't help. It's like temptation - the more you try to avoid it, the more it comes out to play. I used a cringe-worthy word before: mental. Makes me think of strait jackets and white padded rooms. Depression is a mental issue. So, you know what? If you're going to judge, do it elsewhere. Do it to yourself. Look in that mirror. Judge your loved ones and your enemies. Do whatever you need to make yourself feel good. Just do it somewhere else. We're all stocked up on crazy here.
The shiteth. Hath hiteth. The fan. Eth.
Comments
Some of you have asked what happened to my comments. Well, I got rid of them.
I'm spending far too much time blogging these days and not nearly enough time living. I love the comments - the conversations that build and the genuine thought that goes into your responses. But I need to just take some time for me, and devote some time to actually writing what I want to write without worrying what you'll say about it. Did you think my post petty, stupid, egotistical, rude, annoying, sad, mad, bad? I don't want to know right now, and I'm not giving you the chance to tell me.
I'm still going to comment on others' sites, and as I told one of you last night, we'll see how long my commenting ban lasts - I'm betting that I'll revert back this weekend. But I'd like the chance to feel more free and to write without worrying about condemnation.
You're still allowed to condemn, of course, I'm just envoking my right to remain ignorant about it.
I inherited a March release of a project; a separate coordinator inherited the June release of the same project. Yet, the guy we inherited stuff from sends everything MY way - for both waves. Not only does that initially confuse me, since I have to dig through the issues and find out what pertains to my responsibilities, but I have to make sure the June coordinator is getting the info she needs.
I forwarded something to her (June) yesterday and cc:d the 'old' coordinator so he could take the hint. He called June's name over the wall and said, 'Some people adapt quicker than others.'
What the hell does that mean? Stop sending me stuff for June, you old goat!
Pounding, throbbing, reverberating headache. I will not get it checked out, because it's a stupid headache and because I don't want to know if there's something in there that's fighting to burst its way out. So, yes, I will keep mentioning that my head is pounding, despite my previous claims to be a complaint minimalist.
I feel...stupid. Like I've done stupid things lately. I'm not perfect; I never claim to be, except in jest, which is the funniest to me because I know better than anyone how much of a joke that is. I feel like I've thrown stupidity upon myself - like karma, you reap what you sow.
I'm hurting myself. I've been told, time and again, that I'm too hard on myself. I don't think I know what I'm doing anymore.
Verrrrrrrrry Interesting
That
Statcounter is an interesting tool. I don't fully understand all the data it gives, but I did learn some nifty things there.
For instance...I learned that someone from Volkswagen Credit in Illinois has been to my site, which makes me wonder if it was the
liar I dated last year, as he worked there. You know,
the asshole who at 29 had to lie to a girl as to why he didn't want to see her anymore? Yeah. If this was you, you personal-shopper-frosted-hair-I-live-in-an-apt-but-I-call-it-a-condo reader...you suck.
Ahem.
Anyway.
I learned that someone in LA (I'm pegging you, PM) found my site by looking for 'catheter bulb masturbation.'
I learned that someone at Mercer University visited me; I think I know who you are.
I learned that a lot of people come here via
Aimee's site, which is interesting to me because I use her links all the time.
So just remember...you can run, but you can't hide...
Stupid Disappointment
I was all excited about the Toothpick concert tonight. Had my directions, went to the bank. Was really looking forward to some good people watching and some cold beer drinking and some bar food eating and some good music listening. Yep. Never got there. The directions were really fucking simple: 294 to Fullerton, Fullerton to Lincoln. Lincoln never showed. I don't get out much, if you haven't noticed. And I get into Chicago even less frequently. I really thought that not only would tonight be fun, but it'd be good for me. Damnit, I'm so disappointed. I didn't get lost, but I did drive around for quite some time. I felt so...stupid. How could I not find an entire frickin street? I have a pretty good sense of direction. And I've obviously done okay traveling in foreign countries alone. So how could I not find a stupid street in what is my own virtual backyard??? I drove home feeling very, very disappointed. Then, to top things off...I missed the fricking exit because I was so caught up in beating myself up. So that meant an annoying detour. And then, because what else do you do when you're pissed off and upset and disappointed? Yep, Taco Bell for dinner.
Realization
I don't like you any more. I don't know you very well, but every interaction we've had as of late makes me think you are manipulative, rude, schemy, and evil.
It's entirely possible that I'm misreading you, and perhaps I'm losing out on getting to know a good person because of my misperceptions.
And yet, I'm willing to take that chance, because you put me on edge. You make me feel weak and small and not good enough. And again, it's entirely possible that I'm just tapping into my issues and insecurities where you're involved and projecting negative things onto you, but...that's really my choice.
I don't approve of things you've done. And that's fine - we each have to live our own lives and make our own choices. I'm envious, to a degree, of other things you've done - you take chances and risks and live life more fully than I do. I admire that.
So, keep on keeping on. I'll be better off without, and you - well, you'll never notice.
Facts
1. It's really really awkward when most everyone has cleared out for the day, and you're on a business call, and you realize your Stupid Rude Cubemate is on a call and is crying.
Do you end your call? Do you invade her privacy? Do you pretend you haven't noticed?
Yeah, I did the last one. She was still on the call when I left for class.
2. I have 7 more weeks of grad school left. Ever.
Until I finally give in to the urge and take some law classes. (I know, LiAps, I know, but I've been fighting it for so long...)
3. If your parents are going to your sister's house for the weekend and sister will not be there, they will need a key. More specifically, they will need your key. And if you haven't mailed it by Tuesday night, they will - in all seriousness - expect you to overnight it to them.
Rather than mailing it to your sister's house for delivery Friday when they'll get there and can get the mail.
Rather than driving 30 minutes and having them drive 30 minutes to meet and hand over the key.
Yes, that's right. They will expect you to pay $10 to overnight the key to them.
Dread
Know that feeling where you think you're going to get into trouble?
Where you aren't quite sure, but you think someone's mad at you?
Where you know the only reason what you did could get them mad at you is because they're stupid and rude and not because you were in the wrong?*
Yep. I have that feeling now.
* Seriously. I was in a meeting with many internal clients and
Stupid Rude Girl. She never bothers to come to these weekly meetings in person and always looks really really bad. She has a nasty attitude and never has a clue what she's talking about. So today, when the conversation took a 10minute detour to try and get her to understand that she was being asked to do something, I spoke up and used small words and outlined what she was being asked to do. She claimed she knew that. I tried to mind my own business so as to not make her look bad but the clients were ready to jump through the phone to strangle her.
She's so the type to call me out on making her look bad. I try hard to be tactful but jesus, this isn't fucking brain surgery.
Oh, and on a separate note...I emailed
Stupid New Girl about her headphones. I emailed because both today and yesterday when I've found time to go see her, she's already gone for the day. Her response was this:
That darn thing is down so low that I can barely hear it myself.
I have headphones at work but it is an old radio. I will check to see if they fit tomorrow...I am so depressed - I will go crazy without my radio!Yeah, it's a good day. Anyone wanna sit through a 3.5hr class?
Grumpalump
1. Went to Circuit City tonight to buy Kelly Clarkson's CD (shut up). Didn't buy it at Target yesterday for $14.99 because I saw that CC had all CDs on sale.
CC didn't have KC, though they did have Lindsay, Bridget, and Hilary. And the CDs weren't on sale.
2. Returned the 41qt bin I bought at Target yesterday. The goal was to put all my bed linens in it and store it under my bed, since my linen closet is tiny and my sheets are always in three different places.
Well, the bin was too small, because of course I find it necessary to keep three extra mattress pads and multiple twin sheets. Because, you know, I might throw a twin bed in my 1-bdrm apt someday soon.
Oh, and there were no bigger bins that would work.
3. Our divison boss gave us all carnations today. Two carnations, pink or red, with foliage in a bud vase with a Vday balloon. Sweet, even though it's depressing to realize the only flowers I got were from bosses. Oh, and the guys didn't get flowers, because, you know, they don't want them. Or something.
Yeah, only the girls got flowers. I found that very strange.
4. My parents are annoying me. They're raving about the fact that Sister, BIL and Dogs #1 & 2 will be at the 'rents in two weeks for dad's bday. Never mind that I was the one who had to remind my sister of it, or that her response was less than gracious...it's still a frickin big whoop.
5. Called a really good Chinese restaurant tonight while running errands. Was going to treat myself to some fried rice and the best crab rangoons ever. Stupid fucking restaurant is closed on Mondays.
Hobo
I'm itching to go on another trip. I'm going to Southern Illinois in 8 weeks. I will probably go to Dakota in late April/early May to visit the girls.
But, I need a
real trip. I emailed Andrew of Florence fame for tips, since he spent about 5 months in Europe. He responded from the Amsterdam airport where he was catching a flight to Nairobi. !!!!!!
I really really want to go to Egypt, but a) flights are REALLY expensive and b) I'd be nervous about traveling alone there.
Whale watching season will be over when I'd be able to go - I won't take vacation prior to finishing class on APril 5th.
I've been to France, England, Ireland, Greece, Italy. Where should I go next? I might possibly meet up with my sister & BIL in Turkey in May...but I'm not that gung-ho on the idea. Thailand is interesting me lately. I dreamt about going to Tuscany the other night, but I'd like to explore new countries.
Any ideas????
Stupid New Girl
Stupid new girl started today. She's not new to the company, only to the team, but already she's on my nerves. I have to tell, er, ASK her to use headphones. We share a wall and I get to hear her staticky radio.
Really, shouldn't headphones be the norm in CubeLand? In my typical fashion, I hate having to deal with this stuff. I might just seethe until someone else tells her to shut that radio up.
Grammys
To be updated as new people appear who I want to comment on.
-----
Melissa Ethridge is tough.
------
My new lesbian crush is Joss Stone. I think she's underage though, so don't tell anyone.
-----
I have never said this before and never thought I would, but Billy Bob Thornton actually looked kind of sexy.
-----
I'm sorry, but since when did the Grammys become a foundation for charity? Yes, the tsunami was a horrible disaster, but why are the Grammys the poster child for relief funds???
Oh, and by the way - the collaboration song with Bono/Stevie Wonder (when is he going to die? Not that I wish him dead, but he's old, right?)/Tim McGraw/Norah Jones (who looked like she forgot the words)/other people STUNK.
-----
When did Sheryl Crow get all hard body? Yowza.
Two Tits Up...And Then Seriously
I just went and saw the sequel to 'Bridget Jones' Diary.' I won't bother looking up the actual title of the movie because a) you already know which movie I'm talking about, b) the movie sucked, and c) the movie was barely worth the $2 I paid.
Exhibit A: The stupid lesbionic twist at the end was just plain wrong. I, for one, am generally a fan of lesbian kisses. However, this was obviously so far off of the plot path that it was seen for exactly what it was - gratitious. Not a fan of that.
Exhibit B: The Beyonce song that played at the end. Um, hello - I realize the movie is set in modern times, but that song did not enhance the mood at all, as good movie music does. Instead, it was jarring and out of place.
Exhibit C: The stupid drug sequence, beginning with the eating of mushrooms and ending with the release from a correctional facility in Bangkok. Though this became a major plot point, it was a stupid one. And though the movie is fiction, the portrayal of a Thai correctional facility was so soft it was ridiculous. I'd be willing to bet good money that Thai jails do not a) let groups of women perform Madonna karaoke acts, b) let paroled women give out books, bras, and chocolate to the remaining prisoners, c) share bras.
I will be willing to conceed that one of the better parts of the movie was the starring role that Bridget's breasts took. They were often on display and I ogled quite freely from the back of the theater.
Which makes me sound like a dirty pervert.
Huh.
On a more serious note about the movie, I didn't find it all that funny. Maybe I shouldn't have gone to see it on Vday weekend; maybe I shouldn't have gone alone. Sure, there were some funny parts in the movie, but it wasn't an outright gutbuster. Looking for love isn't a funny subject. Losing love isn't a funny subject. It's painful and heartwrenching and just plain
hard. If you're going to poke fun at that and make light of it, you damn well better do a good job of it.
I'm a Flibbertigibit
I'm not, really, but thinking of music popped that paraphrased line from 'The Sound of Music' in my head.
10 Random songs in your libraryI'm really sorry to disappoint, but my library has books.
What is the total amount of music files on your computer?Again, sorry, but...I'm a dial-up girl, remember? My home system would take years to download anything, and I just listen to CDs at work. So, the answer here is zero.
The last CD you bought is:Toothpick - Time Travelin' Couch. I think I love it, and I'm determined to find my way to downtown Chitown this week to see him in concert.
What is the song you last listened to before this message?Rollin' (Urban Assault Vehicle) - Limp Bizkit
Five songs you often listen to or that mean a lot to youRearrange - Limp Bizkit
I Don't Know How to Love Him - Jesus Christ Superstar Original Motion Picture Soundtrack
Only the Good Die Young - Billy Joel
Satellite - Dave Matthews Band
Down by the Water - PJ Harvey
Smile - the Gufs
Since I can't answer some of these questions, I'm just gonna keep going with songs that mean something to me.
Tupac - Wonda Why They Call U Bitch
Expression - Salt n Pepa
Runaway Train - Soul Asylum
The Boxer - Simon & Garfunkel
Pinball Wizard - The Who
Se A Vida E (That's The Way Life Is) - Pet Shop Boys
Whiskey in the Jar - Metallica's version
Ditty - Paper Boy
The Race is On - Sawyer Brown
Have you noticed yet that with music - as with everything - I'm all over the place?
Hum de dum de dum
I'm having 'server problems' here at work, which is code for saying that our servers are FUBAR'd and large groups of us can't use Outlook.
Which is fine, except for the fact that EVERYTHING we do is email related. So I'm stuck having to alternately reboot and log off and call up the program again, hoping that this time will be magic and it will work. Yeah, I'm real optimistic about it.
We have these problems fairly consistently for such a large company, which amazes me. You'd think, wouldn't you, that a company so prominent would find a way to give us constant email access, if not, take the focus off of email. Instead, everything is becoming mechanized and we're moving towards becoming a 'paperless society.' Ah, the corporate life.
------
Our boss was selling cheesecakes for her daughter's fundraiser. Cubemate D bought what looks like 3 of them by the size of the box; however, D is out of the office until Tueday. Boss Lady should have known that, since D reports to her, but Boss Lady isn't all there. I'll most likely take the cheesecakes home, throw them in my freezer, and then haul them back in here on Wed for D. Damn, I hate being nice.
------
I learned this morning that playing Nintendo directly before bed will result in weird Nintendo-like dreams.
------
My car is getting an oil change this morning. We have a service that comes to the parking lot every Friday and does oil changes there. You drop your car off in the morning and either pick the keys up and pay at lunch, or pay in the morning and they'll drop your keys off at the front desk. It's a little more expensive than a Jiffy Lube place, but well worth it to me.
------
Oh look, Outlook decided to grace me with its presence! Guess I should get some work done...
Topless Karaoke CabRiding
That has got to be the funniest shit I've seen in a while. Nice tits, by the way.
Loser, Baby
You've all seen those stupid Hallmark commercials, right? Where the women (always women) are having coffee together and one darts off to her organized card collection to pull out cards just right for the occasion?The focus of the commercial is the card box, handy dandy, that keeps everything neat and together. Yep. Bought me one of them tonight. I had a coupon for 'buy 3 cards, get one free' so I purchased a bday card for a friend, a random card for a friend, and two Vday cards. One for my sister/BIL, one for the 'rents. And because I bought three cards, I got my green-and-yellow card box (I just like saying box) for half off. Which means the original price was ridiculous. I just spent time organizing it. Putting all my random cards in it from their various places; writing down my friends' bdays and anniversaries; looking at the handy 4yr calendar to see what day my 30th birthday falls on (Sunday). Let the good times roll, bitch, I'm ready for them.
It's Official
Yep. We just had a group meeting about the people leaving the area. I'm pegged for J's projects when he leaves in two weeks from tomorrow. There is a March release and a June release. Then, I'll also get D's projects when she leaves in March. Actually, I'll probably get them earlier then that, since she is charged with training M who starts this Monday.
Looks like I'll have a project implementing in March, two in May, two in June, two in August, and then there's two other projects unaccounted for yet.
Nothing like job security.
Enraged
I don't get mad a lot. I get cranky and annoyed, but not much really really pisses me off. I don't get caught up in the injustices of the world and wish death to those who hold others down. I don't know, maybe it's selfishness, but I have a hard time raging against the machine if the machine doesn't impact me.
But this...this...I think my heart rate escalated while reading this:
Students ordered to wear tracking tags
One school has ordered their students to wear tracking tags - like those that track livestock - in order to better monitor attendance. Parents have openly complained about this, but the powers that be don't see any issues with essentially branding their students.
The superintendent of the school thinks that the backlash is because the IDs aren't stylish.
Yeah, that's it. Force me to wear any tracking device you want - monitor my every breath - as long as the ID is pink and glittery. Never mind that there's a financial connection between the school and the ID company; just give me a shiny badge to wear and I'll be fine.
I thoroughly understand that schools need to track attendance. I get that. I'm for that. But jesus, why not just implant monitoring chips in each student's wrist? They do that for dogs, and you don't ever hear about any dogs complaining.
Ow.
My head's been hurting a lot lately. And when I say a lot, I mean, well, a lot.
It might not seem this way, but I don't complain very much. At least, I don't think I do. I don't think I'm whiny. Sure, I have my moments, but I think I'm generally pretty quiet when it comes to that stuff. Well, pretty quiet compared to a lot of people. Or perhaps it's best to say that I'm pretty quiet when compared to the amount of complaining I could do.
I always like the idea of not complaining without being willing and able to do something to change the offending item. I mean, why bitch that it's cold in here if I'm not going to turn the heat up? What some people might see as complaints, I just see as statements. Yeah, it is cold in here. I'm just commenting on that fact.
I'm all over the place so far. See, that was a comment.
I think my head hurts partly because there's so much inside it trying to get out. It's all fighting and jockeying for first place out the door, first in line to be sorted out. But since none of it is getting sorted out - and they all know this - they just push and shove and scream louder.
And right now, they're telling me to shut the fuck up and go to bed.
Iwona Bochenska, Too
I swear, that is a person's actual name.
Well, minus the comma and the too.
Is It Just Me?
Or is there something horribly wrong with this headline?
Rabbi probed for circumcised infants' herpes
Theme
Not only do I let normal things like milk expire, but I also let non-normal things expire.
You know. Things with normal shelf lives (or would it be lifes in this case?).
Maybe I differ from most people, but I don't just buy them to have on hand. I buy them because I plan on using them.
Apparently I had the best intentions in the world when I bought that twelve back of condoms. Back in 2000.
I know who I planned to use them with, and I know I bought them at Target, and I know I bought them on a Friday night, and I know a gf was with me at the time.
And as if that's not a sign of how pathetic I am, I expand on that theme by not being able to bring myself to throw their expired little bodies out.
Disappearing Tricks
I spent $76 last week.
No, listen - it's a bigger deal than it sounds. That was
in cash.
I spent $76 in cash last week. I never use cash, except in the cafeteria here. I took out $100 from the bank on the evening of 1/31, which technically means it hasn't even been a week yet. What the fuck did I spend it on?
4 days lunch in the cafeteria (and at least 2 of those days were just soda and salad to supplement my leftovers). Let's call that $20.
1 day lunch out (mall food court) ($6)
1 dinner out (pseudo-Mexican fast-food) ($8, I got a beer)
1 pair sunglasses - $10
Um...probably around $15 for the week in sodas and snacks at work.
Those are conservative estimates, with the exception of the sunglasses. Even at that count, there's $17 missing.
Let's say that $2 of that went to change. Where did the last $15 go???????
Ewwwwwwwwwwww
What do these three dates have in common?
October 25; November 11; January 23
Yep. Those are the expiration dates of the cartons of milk in my fridge.
(Pause for collective ewwwwwwwwwwww)
It's a good thing my fridge tends to FREEZE everything that comes its way, otherwise, you know, things would smell.
Ever feel out of place among your own family?
Yeah. Me too.
Parental Warning - Explicitness Follows
I'm fine with being called a slut, a whore, a cock-slut, a cum-slut, a cock-whore, or any other such combination while getting it on. I like it. I like being treated like a naughty toy for a guy's pleasure. It turns me on. And if it turns my man on, even better, cuz it's a two-way street with me.
I'm not saying I always enjoy this, or that I need this to get off. Sometimes I'm not in the mood to be on my knees with hands forcing my mouth to take more cock inside. Sometimes I'm not in the mood to have a facial of hot, white cum. Sometimes slapping my ass is not the way to get me to moan expletives.
Some might think it's degrading. Sure, I suppose it can be. And trust me - not every guy deserves to have a willing slut at his feet. But if the guy respects my mind, respects my opinions, and values me as my own independent person...then I'm more than okay with being his cock hungry slut.
It's precisely that unexpected persona that makes it so hot for me - if I'm with a guy, chances are he holds a good job, has a college education, operates within society's rules, and can hold a conversation. Nice, polite, considerate guy. To take the flip side of that - within the same person - and have him slapping my ass, telling me that I'm such a slut and that I like being on my knees and that I'm his good little slut...well, that's simply hot. I'm a modest, law-abiding citizen - but the kinky shit that plays in my brain is unreal. Being able to express that, even to a small degree within the confines of my bedroom, is a release that leads to a release like no other.
And on that note...happy hunting.
I'm Confused
I've stopped doing something lately that I think has hurt me. Well, it hasn't been lately, exactly, it's been about 2 months. And it started (the stopping) unintentionally but then became deliberate.
And I thought I was fine without it, but I'm getting glimpses of myself that make me realize that might not be true. I hate that. I really really really want to be okay with out it, and I hate that I feel I'm realizing that I can't be.
But then I think that I'm only human, and humans fuck up, and maybe these glimpses of myself just are me being human and have nothing to do with needing something I'm depriving myself of.
I don't really believe that. But I want to.
Say My Name, Bitch!
Ask me where I went tonight after dinner. Come on, you know you want to. Fine, fuckers, don't ask. You know I'm gonna tell you anyway. BBB & I decided to leave work, go to this store where he bought a sweater yesterday in the wrong size, exchange the sweater, and then go eat at a fast-food psuedo-Mexican restaurant. We had fun poking around the store - it's one of those cheap-clothes-at-cheap-prices places. What does that mean? Yep, lots of UGLY ASS clothes!!!! Picking through them was lots of fun. After about 30 minutes in there, we went next door to the restaurant-that-shall-not-be-named. Sure, it has tables there, but it's not exactly a sit-down-and-take-your-time kinda place. So it was with surprise that we sat there for THREE WHOLE HOURS and shot the shit. We both laughed a lot, sometimes at each other, sometimes at the stories we were telling. We talked of work people and families and religion and school and exes, until we realized that they were closing up. So, yeah, it was fun. No major flirting going on, only a few innuendos, but a lot of laughing and good conversation. It's fun having a friend.
Where IS it? - Updated
Damnit!
Tonight's the night I was FINALLY going to move my old crappy chair and my old crappy table and my old crappy lamp/table (yes, it serves two functions but is one piece of furniture) to my 'storage unit' so that I can have my floor space back (and maybe even vacuum it, seeing as how I paid with my soul for my new vacuum), but someone has put their things in MY storage unit!!!
I was going to return the favor and put my stuff in a storage unit for an apt I know is empty, but I can't find my stupid lock.
I have about 3 different combination locks, cuz I always take them along when I travel. I'm usually pretty good about putting them back in one place, because I don't normally need them out, but...
I can so picture one lock lying around here, I just can't find the fucker!
- Update -
Turns out, Cub Foods (24 hour service) sells locks. With two keys. For a mere $3.99. I might be cheap, but I'm not THAT cheap.
Oh, and they also sell name-brand batteries. Color me happy.
This post may be deleted due to its happy ending.
My BIL has a very good friend who I'll call Dave. Fine, yes, I'm calling him Dave cuz that's his name. Now, I've known Dave for a good many years - at least since Sister & BIL got married, which is 7yrs ago this spring.
Dave & I used to live down the block from each other, and he helped me move from my Milwaukee apartment. We've had many a meal and a beer together and it's not unusual for the two of us to hold pseudo-witty email conversations together that crack me up.
Take, for example, this one, that just occurred:
KtP: Do you hear bells? I hear bells. Congrats, dude. (He & gf just got engaged.)
Dave: Thank you. Yes, yes. Bells are donging. Sarah wants to release live butterflies at the wedding. I don't like butterflies. I suggested sheep.
Is that funny, or is it me?
Another Installation of...
...Katey's middle of the night ramblings!!
1. What the fuck is wrong with me? It's 4:fricken 44 in the morning. Normal people SLEEP through the night!
2. I was apparently living in the Sahara this weekend. One grocery store visit net(ted?) me a 2ltr bottle of soda; a carton of juice; a 1/2 gallon of milk; a big thing of Crystal Light; and a small thing of strawberry milk, which I drank in the store. Everything else but the milk is gone now and some of the CL is gone now.
3. I'm getting the urge to travel again. I think I've decided that this spring I'll finally do the whale-watching that I've always wanted to do. I've been to both the east and west coasts, so I'm starting to seriously think about Canada. I'll have to revisit some of the sites on this.
I also think I need a quick visit to Dakota to visit my girls and my honory niece. I've been dreaming of the girls a lot lately, which generally means that I'm starting to need a fix. Plus, my 'niece' is now 3 months old and I haven't seen her yet, so that needs to be remedied pronto.
4. Class was pretty interesting last night. We're using this online 'strategy game' to compete against every one else in the glass. We have 6 groups and each group represents a different shoe manufacturing company. We all start at the same point - end of Year 10, with the same numbers (sales, earnings, production, plants, etc) - and have to 'run' Years 11-17.
I'm not very competitive. At all. In fact, when I was younger and my sister would try to institute a competition between us, I was more than happy to just shrug and say, nah...why don't you just win? But I have two very good team members who I've worked with quite a bit in the past and we should be able to hold our own. Besides, it's not whether we win or lose. Right?
Right?
Hello? Anyone still there?
Ow.
My tummy hurts. And not in that, wow-I-just-ate-too-much kind of way. No, not even in that what-time-of-the-month-is-it-oh-of-course-kind of way. No, it hurts in that I'm-gonna-hurt-you-from-the-inside-cuz-you-let-someone-cut-me-open-and-poke-around-in-here-and-even-remove-a-growth-I-was-friendly-with kind of way. Ow.
Blah Blah Blah
My eyes are red and itchy. No, it's not my drug habit, it's because I had YET ANOTHER 7:30 call this morning. Don't worry, I woke up late. I barely had time to shower before I called in. It's always fun trying to quietly eat oatmeal and get dressed while holding a cell phone to your ear.
Not to mention, people on the call pissed me off, but that's okay.
Then, I had a 10:30 meeting in a different building. I'm not always lazy, so I walked my ass across the parking lot. Turns out, the room that the meeting was scheduled for doesn't exist, and the person who said she would facilitate the meeting never called in, so that was a bust.
Pissed me off, but that's okay.
My boss, C, pulled me over this afternoon. HER boss (CC) said that I'm interested in getting promoted to the next level, so C is using that as an excuse to pawn off on me all the piddly time consuming shit that she has to do and doesn't want to. Oh, and Round 1 of Crap Work is due this Friday.
Annoyed me a little, but that's okay - I'll get a promotion out of it.
Had a division recognition event after work yesterday - got to leave early, have free munchies AND free beer, and hang out with people.
THAT didn't piss me off at all.
Was stuck behind a woman at Target on Sunday - she needed a price check on a backpack AND on a rug, since they both rang up at different prices than what she said they were on sale for. After five minutes of eye rolling from me and no eye contact or apologies from the THREE cashiers it took to work on this, I managed to get someone else to ring me up.
On my way out, I saw a guy who literally had pieces of his brain on the outside of his head. He had a big purplish mass on the side of his skull, with no hair growing on it, and a bandage covering a small part of it. It was bumpy and red and really icky looking.
So, yeah, I'll take my stupid petty annoyances over that any day.
